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#21703 - 10/11/03 08:10 AM Where do I start
deej Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/11/03
Posts: 7
Loc: Toronto
Can anyone help me find some help for my abuse, in the Toronto area.

I can't even put my feelings into words right now, because I don't know what I'm feeling. It's just the most horrible emptiness ever.

Help me please, help me please. All that goes through my head is... I never meant to hurt you, I was just really hurt myself. This doesn't make sense, I know...

Where do I start\.


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#21704 - 10/11/03 10:58 AM Re: Where do I start
bobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/21/03
Posts: 10
Loc: London Ontario
Hi deej

Glad you found us. We are all brother here and this is a great place to find support and strength to carry on. I know that there are many MS members that live in the Toronto area so you are not alone.
One place that has really helped me and others that I know of is Emmaus Support Services. You can check them out from their website at http://www.emmaus-intl.net
Welcome to MS and I hope you feel the love and support that is here for you.
Bob


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#21705 - 10/11/03 11:03 AM Re: Where do I start
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Hello, deej,

Welcome to the MS group of men. I'm sorry for the pain that brought you here; but am glad that you have found this place to begin to heal the cause of that pain, whatever it may be.

As for making a beginning, I would say that so far you are doing an excellent job of doing just that. By coming here, revealing the hardships you are experiencing and asking for some direction and help, you have taken some very important first steps in your recovery and healing.

Jeff is right when he says that there are many resources available to you. This is but one and here you can find links to many others.

The main thing is to begin wherever you are.
I was lonely, frightened, hurt and confused when I first came here at the recommendation of my therapist. It is amazing how incredibly helpful it has been for me to be in contact with men who, like me, were sexually abused and are now trying to deal with the devestating effects of the abuse.

There is a real power here and a very positive energy in reaching out and connecting with a group of like-minded individuals. Congratulations for having found this place as one way to access that power.

Please come back and read and post. And use this site as a place to begin whenever or wherever you find yourself.

Men here do understand, the way that few others can. Because we too have suffered the pain and sorrow that you are experiencing. Most of us would agree, I believe, that it is possible to recover and heal. I know that it is happening for me, and so I believe that it can happen for you too.

Glad you're here. Keep coming back.

Your comrade,

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#21706 - 10/11/03 12:19 PM Re: Where do I start
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Hi, Deej,

I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now. Of course you feel confused and hurt. What you've gone through is terrible.

I agree with the other guys here. The first thing you need is to find a therapist you trust. They can help you through this.

The next thing is talk. Talk about your abuse to those you feel are safe and can understand you. It will help, believe me. And don't be afraid to come here and talk to the guys. They can help you too. They've been all through it.

I care about you. We all do. Please let me know how you're doing.

Love and peace,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#21707 - 10/11/03 12:44 PM Re: Where do I start
deej Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/11/03
Posts: 7
Loc: Toronto
I appreciate the responses, thank you. I have been on the board before a few months ago, but just feel like I'm starting all over again... again.

I don't know if I can do this. I feel totally alone, and I feel like that's the way it should be. I can't stand myself, I can't stop myself... I just want to run into a field and scream to the top of my lungs. It just won't go away.

I feel like I'm getting worse. I'm losing myself more and more everyday. I don't even know if it was real. I'm coming close to convincing myself that it all didn't happen, and that this is just the person I am. That I'm a selfish bastard that everyone hates, and that's the way it is.

I'm sorry everyone, I know this isn't positive.


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#21708 - 10/11/03 03:41 PM Re: Where do I start
wrangler Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/03
Posts: 84
Loc: Northern Virginia
Deej,

Don't apologize for feeling like you are not being positive. This is not a place that I come to pretend... if I am feeling negative I let fly with it. It was not very long before I realized no one here expected anything of me... much less that I be feeling good or positive or even motivated.

This web site is one of two places in the world that I am just me. I don't manufacture a pretense of being okay because I am not. The other place is in my therapists office. But it took me a good six months to forge a relationship with her that made me feel safe. I will be frank with you now. It is a slow road for me with a lot of back stepping. I started trying to deal with this pile a long time ago and one day one I knew that I had to feel better on day two or I would die.

I did not feel better on day two, but I did not die either. And slowly, but definitely surely, I am changing. The changes are not what I expected or would have>
_________________________
"Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself." -Mary Schmich

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#21709 - 10/11/03 03:50 PM Re: Where do I start
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Deej,

We don't believe this happened to us because we don't WANT to believe this happened to us. It's a horrible thing for anyone to endure.

I was abused and raped by a counselor at my middle school when I was 11. He manipulated me into thinking it was love when in reality it was his OWN selfish needs he served. He became sadistic and violent because he enjoyed controlling me. My sister told me he took the one thing children have, unconditional love, and he stole it because he could.

I blocked the whole thing out after he attempted to kill me, again, in the school, where I should have been SAFE from animals like him. I didn't want to believe what he did to me either. It's normal.

I'm having a good week this week. I'm taking a break from going over what happened to me because I NEED to and I really want to. It's possible to let go and heal. It's never easy, and we will have bumps on the road, but we will heal. We are better than the abusers. We are more than the products of the abuse.

Keep in touch, Deej. I'm honored to know you.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#21710 - 10/11/03 04:36 PM Re: Where do I start
deej Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/11/03
Posts: 7
Loc: Toronto
Unconditional love. That is the search for me Scot, and I'm assuming it's the search for a lot of us. That's exactly what I felt was denied for me. That's exactly what I've felt I've been missing my whole life.

I can remember being me. I can remember who I was, but I'm not that person anymore.

I remember the first time I had a panic attack, in grade 10 english class. I had no idea why or what was happening. I just knew that everything changed.

I don't want to share my story, because i feel like I'm fucking lying about it. I feel like I'm making my mom look bad for not being there. And my father (aka step dad number 1) was a drunk... shit. Anyways

I wanted to share a song,

band is Travis, song is Turn. listen to it if you can.

I want to see what people saw
I want to feel like I felt before
I want to see the kingdom come
I want to feel forever young

I want to sing
To sing my song
I want to live in a world where I belong

I want to live
I will survive
And I believe that it won't be very long

If we turn, turn, turn, turn, turn
Then we might learn

So where's the stars? Up in the sky
And what's the moon? A big balloon
We'll never know unless we grow
There's so much world outside the door

I want to sing
To sing my song
I want to live in a world where I'll be strong

I want to live
I will survive
And I believe that it won't be very long

If we turn, turn, turn, turn
And if we turn, turn, turn, turn
Then we might learn
Turn, turn, turn, turn
Turn, turn, turn
And if we turn, turn, turn, turn
Then we might learn
Learn to turn


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#21711 - 10/11/03 05:08 PM Re: Where do I start
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Deej,

Share it when you want. Share it if you want. It's not necessary. You know something happened. That's all that matters. We believe you. And we care about you.

I will look up that song. Speaks to me too. Probably speaks to all of us.

You will get better. We'll be here when you need us.

Be well, my brother. I love you.

Peace,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#21712 - 10/11/03 08:40 PM Re: Where do I start
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Deej
I'm sorry this is going to be a short reply, it's very late here in the UK. But the Canadian Gov't website has a lot of very good info on it.

As does this site, check out the articles from the home page.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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