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#216910 - 04/09/08 07:22 PM I feel like a baby (triggers maybe)
SuperTramp7981 Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/06/08
Posts: 99
Loc: Massachusetts
Suppose I should start this at what actually happened to trigger this in me..........

Last night I went with a friend to a bar, not a really high end one, but not a dumpy one filled with college girls either. We took the subway there, it wasn't too far. We got there, everything was cool. It wasn't that busy, there were a few people though. My friend went to play pool with some other people there. I sat at the bar and watched whatever was on the t.v, I don't even remember. I was about half way done with my first drink when someone came in, I didn't pay much mind. There were a few people at the bar besides myself, which made the fact that he sat right next to me kind of weird.....He said Hi, I was polite and said hey back. I thought it was kind of weird, why a man that looked to be about at least 30 years older then me was talking to me. He already was kind of reminding me of the man who molested me.....he was roughly the same age...dressed like him, kind of looked like him in a way (he looked like he just got out of work or something) I wasn't dressed to "bring anyone onto me" (i don't think jeans,scuffed black shoes and a collared shirt are anyway)

But anyway.......he kept talking to me, asking if I lived in town and yada yada......I told him I was 20 (lying) when he asked, I was being polite, giving minimal answers, as I wasn't really in the mood to talk to anyone anyway. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt...I really do......I make a conscious effort too. But then he put his arm around my shoulder.....and I just froze...He reminded me of him.....he was creepy. I just froze, I felt like a 13 year old all over again. I came to my senses and threw my money on the bar and said I had to go all of a sudden. Outside I was practically hysterical......I smoked a cigarette (im trying to quit) in about....30 second I was so worked up and I felt ridiculous. I looked over my shoulder,pretty sure I saw him leave too (after me?) but I was probably just being paranoid as there are any number of white male adults dressed like that in a big city on a Tuesday night.

Heres the kicker.......I'm gay and how am I supposed to ever meet anyone?! I'll throw a hissy fit and make a fool of myself in public! The other big kicker is that something I struggle with is that I don't necessarily find gay people my age that attractive.....It might have had something to do with my abuse.....I don't know (which i admittedly liked and thought it felt good at the time....I got an erection every time and ejaculated more then once....)It wouldn't be a stretch to say that if a guy like that wanted to do something with me and I was in anyway impaired or desperate I'd say yes.

I'm just a mess and it happened almost a day ago. I feel like a f****** moron and made an idiot of myself in front of my one friend i've managed to make. I also just feel....guilty I guess the word is for my sexual orientation such as it is.

I just want to run off by myself......physically run away from all my problems.....to where no one knows me.......hell I'd even change my name.......

Thanks for listening to the whole thing guys......:(

_________________________
Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds.
Have no fear for atomic energy,
'Cause none of them can stop the time.
How long shall they kill our prophets,
While we stand aside and look? Ooh!
Some say it's just a part of it:
We've got to fulfil de book.

Chat Name-Lparsons

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#216925 - 04/09/08 08:23 PM Re: I feel like a baby (triggers maybe) [Re: SuperTramp7981]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
You're ok.

Look, there are going to be times when you get triggered. You got triggered.

You can find someone that suits you but it may not be right at this moment. You're recovering from abuse, or the realization of abuse. That takes it's toll, ok? It's freaking serious stuff and it's emotionally going to mess with you for a while.

You're alright. This is just a blip.

Consider one other point: Man or woman, gay or straight - he invited himself upon you with an arm around you. That's not kosher and he should expect any negative response he gets. Huge monster trigger. I'm surprised you didn't break his nose.

You did everything ok.

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#216962 - 04/09/08 09:41 PM Re: I feel like a baby (triggers maybe) [Re: hogan_dawg]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1959
I agree with Hogan. I wouldn't beat yourself up over this. And I also agree, I don't care what your sexual orientation is, you have every right to get upset if someone does something like that to you. Give yourself some time to figure things out for yourself. I know the feeling, thinking if you can't make it all work for yourself today, that there will be no tomorrow. But there will be a tomorrow, and the more you allow yourself to grow and heal and learn about your feelings, etc. the better tomorrow can be. Learn what your triggers are. Try to figure out why they are triggers if that isn't fully evident. Keep reaching out and sharing. But seriously, I see no big deal in this or your reaction to what happened.

Eric


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#216986 - 04/09/08 11:09 PM Re: I feel like a baby (triggers maybe) [Re: ericc]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
Triggers or no triggers, I think the guy was creepy. Any older guy who sits right next to a younger fellow, asks all sorts of questions, and then puts his arm around him is looking for something. I think you had every right to be creeped out. God knows I would have been. Heck I get jittery and freaky when someone I know puts their arm around me. Strangers? Forget it. If I don't know you, don't touch me is my policy. And if I do know you, don't touch me unless you really really really know me.


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#217010 - 04/10/08 04:56 AM Re: I feel like a baby (triggers maybe) [Re: JustScott]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1893
Loc: durham, north england
Supertramp, on the one hand I really appreciate the problem. while I'm not myself gay, any physical contact, ---- especially from girls, causes me to panic as scot detailed. Even people I know very well.

One reason I'm here now is to try and work out this problem.

I've certainly had occasions in bars (one reason when even during my degree I was terrified of crowded uni bars), and that was with a bunch of students around my own age.

Triggers aside though, this sounds distinctly dodgy to me as well. Afterall, there's appropriate contact, and there are things that are plainly not good.

I'd also say that meeting the right person doesn't seem to have anything to do with your orientation. I have a similar dispare of that ever happening myself, on the other hand I've known several perfectly happy gay couples, ---- there doesn't seem to be a corelation at all.


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#217036 - 04/10/08 10:38 AM Re: I feel like a baby (triggers maybe) [Re: dark empathy]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
This is my story too, Supertramp. It's just that I've had nearly 30 years to work on it. Same events, same feelings, same shame and disappointment in myself...

Guys like him make me SO angry. It wasn't respectful how he touched you. You clearly weren't sending signals that would be welcome. So why the hell do that?

Short answer, I think you need to get comfortable saying "No, NO! and I SAID NO! GOT IT, BUDDY?!". Practice it with a friend who will understand. Or a therapist. Older, same age, male, female, until you can back it up with enough conviction to feel safe, very able to do it. You'll probably feel guilty and bad doing it, but that's just your abuse talking so don't listen.

I'm really sorry though. You don't deserve this. It certainly isn't any fault on you.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#217127 - 04/10/08 06:37 PM Re: I feel like a baby (triggers maybe) [Re: LandOfShadow]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
ST,

Actually, I think you handled the situation pretty much as I would have expected from a guy in your situation. You are still struggling with some basic feelings from the abuse, and you weren't sure how to keep yourself safe. You reacted like many other guys would have done; you kind of froze up, hoping things would somehow resolve themselves, until this other guy really crossed the line and put his arm around you.

But then you got the hell out. You did what you had to do to get safe. That's okay! Not so elegant, maybe, but you got out. Next time you will have learned from this and you will be better prepared.

My point here is that this was not some fuck-up unique to you alone. So many other guys would have reacted the same way, and have reacted in the same way.

I also would not see this incident as proof of your inability to meet other guys. You were a young guy sitting alone at the bar, and that message was misread by the man who approached you. It looks to me like it was the situation that led to trouble, not you yourself.

A final comment on this:

Quote:
t might have had something to do with my abuse.....I don't know (which i admittedly liked and thought it felt good at the time....I got an erection every time and ejaculated more then once....)


This is one of the toughest memories we have to deal with, ST. We think that because we got erections and/or ejaculated, that means we "liked it" or "wanted it" or "were in on it". Many of us heard that from the abuser, and sometimes we just remember what happened and judge ourselves and feel guilty. But the truth is that any boy whose penis gets stimulated is going to get hard, and if it goes on long enough and he's sexually mature, he will ejaculate - this happens even if he's scared to death of what's going on.

You were 13 years old, bro. That's way too young for you to have understood anything about sex or to make any kind of informed decisions about whether or not to do things with the abuser. You were just as innocent and defenseless as a kid 5-6 years younger. It wasn't your fault - please don't take on that burden. A boy can comply, but he can't consent.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#217162 - 04/10/08 08:23 PM Re: I feel like a baby (triggers maybe) [Re: roadrunner]
SuperTramp7981 Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/06/08
Posts: 99
Loc: Massachusetts
Thanks for responding everyone. I just feel like I overreacted, and It makes me feel immature...thats all. The whole other issue with my abuse........just came up.......so much more to it.....so confusing

_________________________
Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds.
Have no fear for atomic energy,
'Cause none of them can stop the time.
How long shall they kill our prophets,
While we stand aside and look? Ooh!
Some say it's just a part of it:
We've got to fulfil de book.

Chat Name-Lparsons

Top
#217272 - 04/11/08 08:30 AM Re: I feel like a baby (triggers maybe) [Re: SuperTramp7981]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Yeah but that's just the thing: You didn't overreact. You reacted. I'm saying you reacted 'because' you sensed something was amiss - there was a disjunct between your feelings (maybe from trauma) and his feelings and behavior.

If it gives you comfort to feel you overreacted then what I'm saying is crap and should be ignored. Please indulge me for a minute:

I had a guy once who kind of 'zeroed in' on me at the workplace. He could probably tell that I was a victim. This guy started talking explicitly - using terms in work discourse that were sexually loaded. He wanted a rendezvous. He was older than me. I reacted out of fear and made a hasty retreat. I too felt weird and wondered if I'd done the right thing or if I'd behaved in an immature fashion.

My conclusion is fear is there to protect you. Perhaps if CSA makes you more sensitive to situations that are worthy of fear, it's not such a bad thing. Fear sort of makes a 'hair trigger' response in the person who has the fear.

I don't want to invalidate your feelings. If you want to think that you overreacted, that's cool. I'm here to say you were just fine and ok. You trusted your body and that's where it's at - in other words:

YOU ARE NOT A BABY.
YOU DID NOT BEHAVE LIKE ONE.
YOU REACTED NORMALLY EVERYTHING CONSIDERED.

Let me ask you something: Imagine you went against your feelings and you warmed up to this guy. Imagine you went for a walk with him or ended up in some private setting. Scary feeling? I'd still be scared even if it was a female I had reservations about. I'd be scared.

That's your emotions guiding you.



Edited by hogan_dawg (04/11/08 10:40 AM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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