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#216685 - 04/08/08 11:07 PM I'm so weird
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
I'm in a relationship with an older man who is controlling and constantly needs to know where I am. He's been working day and night for a few weeks and I've seen him less. I've been going out by myself. He says he's fine with me going to bars alone, but I know he doesn't like it. So, I don't tell him.

Last Saturday, I went to a lesbian bar in Brooklyn, and met a nice, pretty lesbian. There was this amazing chemistry between us. She talked just like Ellen Page in Juno. She seemed to sense that I was attracted to her, but she didn't get offended, or uncomfortable. Nevertheless, I was skittish and kind of ignored her after we made this connection.

I felt so at ease at that bar. I dress like a lesbian. I'm as defensive as a lesbian. I have an underlying dislike of men, like a lesbian. At one point, this gay man walked up to a middle-aged, poorly dressed lesbian and squealed "Oh God, I just love lesbians!" I was drunk. After he left, I turned to her and said, "Gay men are so condescending." I think she was too drunk to realize how weird I was.

But really, it's distressing. I don't like sex with men. I want women who don't want sex from me. This is the second lesbian I've been attracted to, and it seems like a pattern that can only lead to heartache.

I have a feeling that my current relationship will end soon. But I don't know where to go from there. I actually woke up yesterday morning fantasizing about this girl. It just reminded me how lost I am, and how far away I am from happiness.

And yet, I was happy with her, in the twenty minutes we spent together. I didn't feel afraid, or dominated. I felt like an equal. I felt appreciated for my mind, not my body.

Do I dismiss this crush as another crazy byproduct of two years of rape, or is there something here to be learned?


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#216717 - 04/09/08 12:58 AM Re: I'm so weird [Re: Bewlayb1]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Bewlayb1
Yes, there is something here to be learned. Your gun shy. No big revelation there.

Not only is this girl pretty, intelligent, and comfortable to be with drunk and probably sober too. She is SAFE. You think and maybe correctly, that she will not put any moves on you and therefore the sex issue will not come up.

Your abuse has messed up how you think about sex. You don't mind being with this older guy because his relationship with you is connected to your abuse. When you have sex with him it is ok because it doesn't mean anything to you it is just pleasurable if you can get off. You are not required to actually have a real honest intimate relationship with him. It is just sex and you can handle that.

This woman on the other hand you can have an intimate relationship with and get close to because you know there will be no sex. And again you may be right.

You equate sex with abuse. Something bad, but necessary though uncomfortable and awkward. It does not occur to you yet this far into your recovery that intimacy and good healthy sex,(and this is a word you will need to redefine in the future if you wish to have a good relationship with a partner), are not the same but should go together.

This is so common among survivors that sex gets all messed up and associated with the bad feelings we were given during our abuse. So much so that when we do find some one to love and cherish, we almost and in many cases don't want to tarnish it with what we have come to believe is "sex" but which is in fact just a rehash of our abuse experience.

Something here to be learned? You bet. Thanks for posting and welcome to recovery 101.


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#216896 - 04/09/08 06:48 PM Re: I'm so weird [Re: Freedom49]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Thanks Roger,

I agree with most of what you said, except regarding the relationship I'm in now. It's not just about sex. In fact, one of the things I find most attractive about him is that he doesn't think sex is that important. Unfortunately, I realized that I'm happier alone than when I'm with him: it's a painful revelation, but one I can't hide from myself.

I don't know how to break up. I like him a lot as a person. But he's unstable, tempermental, older and bigger than me, and I feel overpowered. And really, sex, even with him, is not something I enjoy. At best, I can tolerate it.

I honestly don't know if I will ever like sex. Part of why I feel a little different than many of survivors here is that I have almost no desire for sex. Ever since I was young, the only thing I've been attracted to is faces: men's and women's. As a boy, I never cursed. I ran out of the room when sex was on TV. I covered my ears when anyone talked about it. In college, I was determined to be straight, and went through freshman year without masturbating once. I acted as asexual as Michael Jackson. I rarely spoke, but my personality was that of a child until I was eighteen, or nineteen.

That's part of why I feel a connection with lesbians. My brain worked overtime to make me think sex was evil. It's wired in there, and though I know it's untrue, I doubt whether it can be undone.

I opened up to my brother, who is straight and wasn't abused, and he said "Try a woman. See if you like it." But I know I won't: not with some stranger. I think the best way is just to follow my heart, for now, whether it leads me to a man, or a woman.

Thanks again for your comfort and advice.


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#216899 - 04/09/08 07:07 PM Re: I'm so weird [Re: Bewlayb1]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Well, guy your not the only one turned off to sex. I have talked with others who felt asexual. Again I think that stems from the abuse and how it was done and how we reacted to it. You are a sexual being. If that part if you is damaged by abuse a platonic relationship will look real attractive. Give it time. Make friends. See what happens but be careful of getting involved with someone and just repeating the abuse scenario. That will hurt you. A therapist will help you a lot there.


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#216902 - 04/09/08 07:16 PM Re: I'm so weird [Re: Freedom49]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I am attracted to lesbians also, I never really thought much about it but I think Roger hit it right on She is safe. Although attracted to lesbians one abuser had a lesbian friend and she taught me about making love to a woman. I learned a lot about how to please a woman but it was really abusive mentally. No emotional attachment at all, just sex. I like both lesbian and straight but feel less threatened by lesbian women.

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