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#215525 - 04/05/08 09:13 AM To charge or not to charge,...may trigger
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
I get the impression charging the perp isn't cool around here.



Edited by hogan_dawg (04/05/08 01:58 PM)

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#215602 - 04/05/08 02:58 PM Re: To charge or not to charge,...may trigger [Re: hogan_dawg]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
huh?


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#215603 - 04/05/08 03:01 PM Re: To charge or not to charge,...may trigger [Re: Jarrad]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
Originally Posted By: Jarrad
huh?


Eh?

_________________________
Boom!

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#215607 - 04/05/08 03:11 PM Re: To charge or not to charge,...may trigger [Re: frost]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
You could not be more wrong . The thing is that you have the opertunity to do what a lot of us were not given the chance
If you can charge a persom with abuse DO IT in a hot second
Because this person will continue to do this, and there will be more lives destroyed

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#215614 - 04/05/08 03:31 PM Re: To charge or not to charge,...may trigger [Re: OKIE MIKE]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Thanks Mike and others for giving me permission. Here's the original post - I removed it because I thought it triggered people - plus I don't know what's acceptable here.

Hey guys!

Thanks so much for being so supportive for me since I arrived on this site. I've found your comments and help useful for me because you're not afraid to speak your mind. I kind of need a bit of that help again, if you can swing it. Here's the problem.

Let me say I don't expect you to answer my question with a Yes or No, although you may freely do so if you wish. Instead, I just want you to help me brainstorm cause my brain is fried right now.

I've been scapegoated all my life within my family. My perp has destroyed my credibility gradually over time. I'm 46 he's 75. I don't know if he got to another family member but I suspect so, an older brother (with anger issues whoa big time), perhaps more but it's impossible to say and prove. I'm the crazy problem child and that fact is crystallized within our family - I'll not be able to change it, I predict.

I've contacted the authorities and they're willing to charge but they're giving me some breathing space. I've been gung ho about charging, but a talk with my wife last night, and some nagging old feelings of loyalty, are holding me back.

She says since DadPerp is mid 70s, blind, sadistic features in his abuse, wife says perp is probably not interested in sex (I say to her, well, he mentioned my sexual habits in a phone call some months back and was probably using that memory as stimulus for his own self pleasuring).

She says that without visual stimuli he won't re-offend and therefore isn't a danger. I say they can probably re-offend given sounds esp. if he gets off on the power, then sounds would suffice.

I also picture him in jail and it only saddens me. At this moment it gives me no happiness or pleasure to think of any person in jail taking the kind of stuff guards dish out. But if that's where he belongs I'm willing to do the right thing and come forth to the authorities.

Factoids
He told me to say, when I was a toddler, that another person did such and such. So that's part of his modus operandi, to get the kid (me) to blame someone else. I never did blame someone else, but that's his tactic or approach. It confused me for years.
He used threats.
His grandchildren are female.

I'm cognizant that this may be one of the most important decisions of my life.

I'm at a loss. Regarding incest perps of this kind:
  • What factors should I be considering?
  • Any ethical / moral formula I can use?
  • Any rule of thumb?
  • Do they really stop offending?
  • Re - his granddaughters - Might he have got to them? Do these people change preferred gender of their victims?

So far I've: Got a counselor and Googled the problem with no success yet. But talks in PM have helped immensely!

Would it work to get my bro(s) into a therapy session of some kind where this demon can be addressed? Or would that blow up? They both seem so angry. But they too scapegoat me.

PS: For reasons I can't go into here, I have limited time to resolve this matter.



Edited by hogan_dawg (04/05/08 03:41 PM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#215653 - 04/05/08 05:29 PM Re: To charge or not to charge,...may trigger [Re: hogan_dawg]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
oh that kind of charge. im thinking money. im thinking charge... as in run after shouting "CHARGE!"

i was very confused.

but, now that i know what this is about, thats up to you. i personally have no urge to go after my perp. i dont want to get involved. but a lot of other guys here would form mobs and attack. so, its really up to you


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#215677 - 04/05/08 06:35 PM Re: To charge or not to charge,...may trigger [Re: Jarrad]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Yes. Well yeah it's up to me. I mean 'charge' in the sense of involving the criminal justice system.

Thing is, I don't have brothers I can turn to right now. So I'm turning to you guys. Know what I mean?

I'm all about self determination. I'll take responsibility and eat whatever comes of my decision, but hey, my wife is pretty sharp (victim of assault) and if she can make me think of things I haven't thought of yet, surely you guys can and I need all the help I can get. More thoughts = Better judgment.

Look I won't hold anyone here liable or anything. Just pretend we're sitting around having coffee and you get a shot at giving your opinion given what I've said above. What would ya do, and how would your thinking go while making the decision?

Regarding 'charging' the perp like a bull charges someone - no I can't do that - I'll leave the animal behavior to the animals - not trying to be superior here just that I'm on my mental guard 'not' to charge into anything. Regarding taking charge, yeah I'd like to think that's what I want to do with my life.



Edited by hogan_dawg (04/05/08 07:15 PM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#215685 - 04/05/08 07:16 PM Re: To charge or not to charge,...may trigger [Re: hogan_dawg]
Darren Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/12/07
Posts: 120
Loc: The High Seas
Hello Hogan-Dawg... we haven't met. My name is Darren. I haven't read your previous posts, because I just rejoined this site after a long absence. I'm sorry for you situation but am glad you feel comfortable here and have found this site supportive.

Anyway, if we were just sitting around having coffee, I'd tell you, based on what you said here, that I'm all for holding these creeps accountable. Age and other factors shouldn't come into play. Would you feel sorry for a blind 75 year old Nazi war criminal? These bastards deserve to be strung up by their balls, but unfortunately that's not one of the punishments our legal system dishes out ...

I'd encourage you to take this weasel and apply the screws to him as much as is legally possible. he's destroyed your life and you're not getting it back; maybe it's payback time! Actually it will be justice time, because justice will (hopefully) be served.

You'll have to live with your decision, whatever you decide... so think about how will you feel 10 years from now about what you decide to do right now? Will you be able to live with the decision you make? Well, that's what I would tell you if we were having coffee.

As for your more specific questions:

# What factors should I be considering? --How much he has hurt you, and possibly others, for a start.
# Any ethical / moral formula I can use? No, I don't think so.
# Any rule of thumb? He committed a crime. Rule of thumb = Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
# Do they really stop offending? I don't think this is the norm.
# Re - his granddaughters - Might he have got to them? Do these people change preferred gender of their victims? He may very well have gotten to them. I think I read somewhere that they can and do change genders preferences.

Good luck with your situation and whatever you decide. This will be a rough road if you decide to go down it. I hope you will let us know how it goes!

_________________________
“Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates” -Mark Twain

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#215732 - 04/05/08 09:54 PM Re: To charge or not to charge,...may trigger [Re: Darren]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi hogan_dawg, your wife may not be seeing this correctly. Yes guys are turned on visually, but also by sounds, and touching. I myself was raped by a stranger so it may be a bit different. But my understanding is that the guy is not so much getting off from the sex. But from having another person totally in their power, and that they can make them do what they want. Ken Singer can give you more detail about it.

My best guess about DadPerp, is that he is still interested in sex, being that he brought up you sexual habits in a phone call, he is testing you to see if he still has you under his thumb. Being that he is blind, that limits how far away from family, he could get to do his thing. So I feel that his grandkids are more in danger, not less! I say charge him, even if they don't arrest him for what he did to you. It lets the police and the DA know that if he gets caught again, that it is not the first time. It also lets your family know that they need to watch their kids around him!

take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#215998 - 04/06/08 09:59 PM Re: To charge or not to charge,...may trigger [Re: lostcowboy]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Quote:
...and there will be more lives destroyed


Let's hope that can be remedied or halted.

Thanks Darren, Lostcowboy excellent. I don't think it's the same for women. I think men on men violence and sex is way different in how it affects the male self, the person.

Yeah I wouldn't feel sorry for a 75 year old Nazi war criminal or for a perpetrator. The complexity here is that family is involved. Your point is poignant though, as that is what I lived with during my life.

I think the idea of a perpetrator wielding control and exiting himself that way is el sicko and I don't like it.

Darren I'm going to evaluate and think a bit on how it's hurt me as per your suggestion.

Lostcowboy you're echoing that similar feeling - namely, that the perpetrator is interested in having someone under his thumb. Very important.

Again thanks guys for responding - it helps to hear the views and feelings of others.




Edited by hogan_dawg (04/06/08 10:35 PM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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