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#216398 - 04/08/08 01:01 AM Recovery Weekend Anxiety
G5 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 203
Loc: New Jersey
I've decided to seriously consider a recovery weekend, possibly the one in Bangor, PA in October if it is the correct one for me. This would be my first 'group' anything. Up until now, all of my discussions on this topic have been with those I've chosen to share with and my therapist.
Anticipation of this type of group discussion is driving me nuts. I'm afraid, nervous, angry, you name it, it's come up. This anxiety is playing it's part in all that I do right now. I talk about this in my sessions. We have a plan (my T and I) on how to deal with the days/months/hours leading up to the possible event. But things are just consuming me and I feel lost. So much that I have suicidal thoughts. I'm not so afraid that I would take any action like this, and I've promised my T I wouldn't, but I feel shame for having all of these emotions and anxiety and even the thought of suicide.

Again, I don't plan any action. It really frustrates me to have this thought and the fear of the unknown. What will happen at a retreat? Will I be safe? Will I fall apart and just want to run away? Will I survive the emotional torment I envision? I'm so afraid and so ashamed of what has happened to me. Why must I have to attend such a thing in order to move on......I hate him for all the pain he has caused me and what he's had me go through to recover and move on.

Any advice would be appreciated from those who've attended a recovery w-end.......I just want to move on with my life.

How should I prepare? What were your experiences before going to a weekend and after?

Thoroughly Exhausted,

Chris

_________________________
WoR Kirkridge '08
WoR Alta Advanced '09
International Conference '10, '12
Oprah 200
PA Support Group
WoR Alta Advanced '12
"Silence Buster"

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#216404 - 04/08/08 01:19 AM Re: Recovery Weekend Anxiety [Re: G5]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Chris, I can relate to your feelings I had many of them myself. No self harm thoughts but all the anxiety and fear for what will happen.

I attended the WoR in Sequoia in March. I was totally impressed by the professionalism, friendliness, and concern for my safety that was presented to me by the staff of facilitators. I was very anxious and in trumoil but they had expert handlers and safe rooms and a lot of work went into preparing me for a safe and healing journey that weekend. I could participate or not in any of the exercises. I could observe or comment. I could share or not share. Nothing was forced and no pressure was applied at all. I honestly felt perfectly safe to try anything I was comfortable with.

My time was so special and privilidged. I told someone I think I got 4 years worth of therapy in 3 days. Would I go again? I am planning on going in Oct. also if they will let me. I left a lot of guilt and shame on that mountain. I was able to drive away with a great deal of forgiveness for my self and some others. My heart felt 30 lbs lighter. The whole world seemed brighter. Like the dust had been washed away from some obscure window I had been peering through.

Would I recommend it..absolutely. You have nothing to fear honestly. People told me that too before I went. I only half believed them thinking they just didn't know the real me. Didn't matter. They were right. That was not just my experience either as I am sure others will post here for you too. Welcome to the site Chris. I am glad your here and soon you will be too.


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#216695 - 04/09/08 12:10 AM Re: Recovery Weekend Anxiety [Re: Freedom49]
G5 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 203
Loc: New Jersey
Thanks for the thoughts and insight. I wanted to attend an earlier weekend, actually the one you attended, but I don't think I'm quite prepared just yet.....close tho. But at the same time I want to get it started and have the whole experience. Will it be an end all and start me on the beginning of the rest of my life? I wish it would be, but I realize (rationalizing without the anxiety) that just won't be a reality. There is no quick answer as I've stubbornly come to terms with.

I want so very much to have a positive experience like you and others have had. I have trust in the process of the w-end deep down, but just have the fear of the unknown. Reading things here and seeing others face to face are two different things.

You understand as well as do others......that's all that matters. Going to one of these things and MEETING others that do understand I think is the next big, important step for me. I want to cry while I'm there and have those around me understand why I'm crying....to see their eyes and have them know without asking questions.

I'm just scared and this fear is underlying......effecting a lot of my everyday, away-from-CSA life.

Thanks again for the support....this is why I'm here.

Chris

_________________________
WoR Kirkridge '08
WoR Alta Advanced '09
International Conference '10, '12
Oprah 200
PA Support Group
WoR Alta Advanced '12
"Silence Buster"

Top
#216703 - 04/09/08 12:34 AM Re: Recovery Weekend Anxiety [Re: G5]
JorgeR Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Santa Cruz, CA, USA
Originally Posted By: G5
Will it be an end all and start me on the beginning of the rest of my life? I wish it would be, but I realize (rationalizing without the anxiety) that just won't be a reality. There is no quick answer as I've stubbornly come to terms with.


Chris,

I say to you with emphatic words...YES, a WoR will start you on the beginning of the rest of your life. I cannot echo Roger's words strong enough. The environment is completely set up for safety and support...you do not have to do anything, but I dare you not to. You will meet men like you, and in the process change your whole perspective on what is real, what is possible, and what is true hope.

At the same time, there are no quick answers...because there are so many answers we need...I got a lot of answers at my first WoR...then I attended a second, and got more answers, to what I needed at that time...I still have more answers to find, but I now know that I will find them in their proper time...and I may find them through my men's group and/or through my individual/joint therapy, or I may decide to attend another WoR...time will tell.

It took you a long time to arrive where you are now, and it's going to take time to get to where you want to be, but a WoR will jump you down that path further than you can probably believe possible...and that is what you really want, isn't it? Something that right now you don't believe is possible?

I volunteered for the Board of Directors of MaleSurvivor, because I believe in this work...it has change me...and I want every man who wants that change to have access to to it...and I am already working to make that happen.

But don't do it because I say to do it. Do it because you want to start the rest of your life, and you want to start it now.

Peace & Joy,
Jorge

_________________________
I found my little boy at Alta 2007...I spoke the unspeakable shame at Sequoia 2008...I learned to flounder at Alta 2009

What breakthrough can YOU have at a Weekend of Recovery?

** talk to me about WoRs or BoD or Committees **

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#216706 - 04/09/08 12:38 AM Re: Recovery Weekend Anxiety [Re: G5]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Hi G5. Well, I certainly hope you go. And you know what? The more discussion/talking/sharing that you do HERE, makes your upcoming trip much EASIER. Why do I say this? Well, when I recently attended a survivor group in Bangor last year, I found men (the new guys) that were tripping over every other word just trying to share their issues/stories. What they struggled to do, I found it to be quite routine.

Also, have you ever considered the possibility that you might actually ENJOY the time and discussion and activities there? After you're there for the first day, you might strike up conversation with another guy that just happens to share MANY of the same issues as you do, and you might help each other figure out how to deal with those problems in your life. You just might LOOK FORWARD to seeing so-and-so the next day over coffee or while going for a walk in the nearby trails.

Will you be driving there or flying? Either way, try to consider your traveling there as a spiritual journey, I know that I did.

The only regret I had when I went is that I forgot to give my AAA card to the overnight hotels I stayed at on I80. I could have saved myself 40 bucks!


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#217702 - 04/12/08 11:35 PM Re: Recovery Weekend Anxiety [Re: Hauser]
G5 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 203
Loc: New Jersey
The pessimist in me shows through. Yes I do want very badly to begin anew and I can envision a rebirth if you will. I'm also deciding I guess, if I really want to take this step. I'm having reservations that involve shame and the overall energy I anticipate will be involved. I'll probably change my mind again tomorrow. But I would like to go if approved.

I want to enjoy and look forward, but at times, I still am at a point where I think I don't deserve to be happy. In my mind I'm destined suffer....I deserve this pain. I'm hoping that a w-end will help change this idea....I want to change it, but the old habit is tough to give up and the w-end could be a catalyst for me.

I just WISH the weekend was sooner......I don't want to have these feelings until Oct.:-) I liken this waiting to standing at the side of a pool and jumping in for the first time as a child. As I write this, I am now envisioning my Mom in the pool encouraging and protecting. Funny, I never saw it like that before....I had always been at the edge by myself....thinking I had to do everything by myself without really trusting my instincts....or anyone else.

So I see now there will be the support and I don't need to be afraid.

I specifically have selected the Bangor w-end because it's close to me and I could think and reflect while driving, taking my own time.....instead of relying on the airlines and such....too much anticipation and anxiety about the w-end for that kind of trip.

AAA is up to date.....and the personal days from work are waiting patiently.

Thanks guys....

Chris

_________________________
WoR Kirkridge '08
WoR Alta Advanced '09
International Conference '10, '12
Oprah 200
PA Support Group
WoR Alta Advanced '12
"Silence Buster"

Top


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