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#216270 - 04/07/08 07:06 PM We don't have any secrets........
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
I met a client the other day for the first time. When she came in to my office, she had her little boy with her who was just the most adorable little guy. He was friendly and sweet, exactly what you'd expect from a 3 year old. Anyway, after we were all talking for a little while, Mom bent down to pick him up and he whispered in her ear, without even thinking, I asked, "telling Mom a secret?" Her answer was very simple, and she said it to him, not me, "No, of course not, we don't keep secrets, right?" He smiled and nodded with all the assurance in the world. He then waved and off they went. Mom has obviously told him this alot and will keep telling him for as long as it takes. Good for her! It was such a nice thing to see.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#216290 - 04/07/08 07:44 PM Re: We don't have any secrets........ [Re: Trish4850]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Wow, Trish. That sounds like a very healthy situation for the child. Secrecy has been the tool of abuse for centuries. What a simple way to break that cycle. I'm glad you shared that with us.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#216302 - 04/07/08 08:30 PM Re: We don't have any secrets........ [Re: Trish4850]
Chagrin Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/18/08
Posts: 17
Loc: BC Canada
I love it! Thanks for sharing this Trish! If my husband and I ever get to a point where we have little ones running around I will most definitely remember this!

~ Chagrin \:\)


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#216418 - 04/08/08 03:42 AM Re: We don't have any secrets........ [Re: Chagrin]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
That's a great story Trish! I'll be putting it into practice very soon!

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#216517 - 04/08/08 12:35 PM Re: We don't have any secrets........ [Re: Brian]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Wow, great story Trish. I'm afraid I might be raining on this parade but I need to speak. My daughter was left at my door when she was 12, her Mother dropped her there with two garbage bags of her clothes. I got home from work and she sitting with her arms around her knees leaning against my door and it had to be the most heartbreaking moment of my life, and that's saying alot considering.

Her Mother and her do not talk anymore, I say this from a survivor point of view, they talk once a month maybe but it's nothing but accusations and blame. Like I said, "they don't talk anymore". My Daughter (Mang) that's my Daddy pet name for her just turned 17 yesterday, our relationship is pretty strained at this point, I booted her out 3 weeks ago, maybe the 5th time I've done this, I've always welcomed her back with arms wide open, it started with her being kicked out for a day but has gotten to past a week of her being gone. She's always allowed to come home with the condition of following my rules, she never does. She cuts as well, her arms are littered with scars, I know that I'm not the cause of any of this although I would never pretend that "we" don't have issues, there was never any abuse of any kind between us other than maybe I've been lax in letting her get away with anything and everything. I know this isn't proper parenting. I've been standing up for myself recently and trying to set more structure and boundaries with her, trying to undue the damage I've done, not an excuse but I've been overly lenient because of my past, I'm so afraid of damaging her that I've.....well damaged her with lack of structure, ugh.

The point is that there are secrets between us, nothing simple, she tell's me everything that she does in her life and I have always felt we've had great communication. We can talk for hour's and hour's about life but nothing I could put down to a reason for going as far as cutting. I know she's in pain and I'm feeling pretty helpless to be able to help. Councillor, done that. Therapist, done that. Trying to be the one she can open up to, done that. She accused me of not being a pychiatrist, so I stopped pushing to get answers myself.

I've tried to be both Mother and Father but I certainly don't have this ability, I can only be her Father. She was abandoned by her Mother, this is clear and makes me think this is the problem but at this point I'm so unsure.

Ladies please, I'm a Father who just doesn't know where to go. Being male I think I just don't have the ability to see what she see's. I could tell a boy everything about what he's going through, but with my poor sweet beautiful little girl I feel I just don't have the ability.

Sorry, I know that's a lot lady's but please just a perspective if you would.

Anything?

Heartbroken, scared Dad
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#216520 - 04/08/08 01:00 PM Re: We don't have any secrets........ [Re: mogigo]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Hi, Mike.
Sorry you're in such a fix.
(By the way, I think this should be in a new thread of its own; it will probably get more attention there.)
I am not a therapist, so there's relatively little I feel qualified to say.
However, I think it's not a good idea to put a girl out of the house. I don't know what prompted you to do that, and I am sure you had your reasons. But the streets are way too dangerous. Going from one extreme (no rules) to the other (lots of rules) is not especially successful. Understandable, but not successful.
I know it is really hard to be a good parent. My kids and step-kids have their own issues with me, to be sure. But whatever it takes, Mike, you need to be on it. Your daughter is asking for YOUR help.
So--you get on the phone to people in your area. You talk to people at her school. You keep knocking on doors. Someone will open one for her and you.
I'm sorry to be so vague about my suggestions. But this is no time to feel powerless and paralyzed. This is urgent and you need to act on her behalf. Keep posting here to ask for encouragement and ideas--or wherever you get support. You have to step up. It is important for both of you, and I believe that you can do what it takes.
Good luck to you both.
Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#216729 - 04/09/08 01:46 AM Re: We don't have any secrets........ [Re: honey girl]
LittleMissL Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 42
What a wonderful story, it's a shame that more parents aren't like that.

I wish my Mom and I had that kind of a relationship but we don't. It's funny because my therapist and I were just discussing this very topic last week. I've never felt that I could just talk to my mom about anything that happened to me. Nope, not at all. Hell I've still never told her that a friend of hers tried to molest me. Thankfully I was old enough to realize something wasn't right and get away before anything happened. I wish my husband could have been that lucky.....


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#216777 - 04/09/08 10:26 AM Re: We don't have any secrets........ [Re: Trish4850]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
i dunno.. that is on the verge of creepy for me. like crazy child in horror film creepy.


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#216787 - 04/09/08 10:53 AM Re: We don't have any secrets........ [Re: Jarrad]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2466
Loc: UK
i must admit i wasn't sure what to think when i read the initial post (so i wasn't going to reply and spoil a good thing), i felt sad more than anything but wasn't sure why and still am not sure, maybe it's to do with the way things should be, or maybe something freaks me out about being so open and truthful, i think i must have issues, bonding issues i don't know, but something frightens me about it, maybe it is the intimacy of the relationship they seem to have, yes that must be it, i don't trust intimacy

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#216790 - 04/09/08 11:00 AM Re: We don't have any secrets........ [Re: king tut]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Lewis how can you trust something you were never shown, was never given, and was never rewarded. Even discouraged. It is a real thing. You are seeing it here in the connections you have made with others here. A place where it is safe to be you and know your loved and accepted even in your rambling rants and vents. LOL you are with family. With family you can always come home and tell your secrets.


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