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#212968 - 03/25/08 11:53 AM I'm Wallowing...
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State

I have been doing fairly well in my recovery pit.
But I have noticed that I have gotten to a point where I am stuck.
I want to crawl out of this pit and move on but I am scared.
As miserable as I am here, I find that when I try to crawl out
And go to the next level,
I freak out and slide back.
Seems like it is easier to stay where I am than
To brave the unknown on the next level.
It is dark here, it is miserable here. I am not happy here.
But I KNOW here.
Up there I do not know the rules.
I will be adrift and floundering.
I will be lonely and vulnerable.
I might fail and fall back here.
I could be rejected and that would hurt
Worse than the familiar pain I have now.

So I wallow feeling sorry for my self.
Not moving or even trying.
Withdrawing because I donít want anyone to notice that
Iím wallowing.
I blame this. I blame that.
I blame him or her and maybe you too.
I am wallowing and so please donít notice.
I have shame enough.

Every now and then someone throws me a rope.
I gently tug to make them think I am trying.
But it is a small rope, or to big to handle or the
Wrong type/color/ or time for ropes.
I let it slip through my fingers letting them
Wonder what is wrong and why didnít their
Beautiful rope help me.

I am wallowing, miserable but not miserable
Enough to make the trip into the unknown.

This is an ugly picture but I needed to see it.
In order to get the courage and strength to pull myself out.
Because that is what I have to do.
I will accept the rope that is tossed.
Swallow my pride and brave the undiscovered
Country of the next level of recovery.
I have to.
I canít be sixty years old and still wallowing
In this spot. I am better than that.
And I will take on that challenge
Tomorrow for sureÖ.





Edited by Freedom49 (03/25/08 11:55 AM)

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#212980 - 03/25/08 12:53 PM Re: I'm Wallowing... [Re: Freedom49]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
I read your post in poetry about wallowing. I think we all find ourselves in that spot now and again. I think I spent most of my life there and now that I've started moving from it, it really is hard to move ahead and leave those things behind. It's like sitting in a tub of water. You get used to temperature and even though the water is getting cold, it's still hard to get out because the air out there is colder than the water in the tub, or at least feels like it. It's a comfy spot, or at least it feels comfy. It's more a zone in which you get comfortable. Not really a comfort zone as such, as something tells you that you need to move on, but it's still feels safer to stay than to move on into the unknown.

It's like that first time you told anyone about your past. The fear crept up inside and screamed at you to shut up, because keeping it secret felt far more comfy at the time than speaking it aloud. But once it was out there... you soon found it was an even better place than the one you were in before. It got easier. Sure there were times when that old fear crept back in, but you still had moved to a better place. Each little step is like a colored square on the candy land board of life. That stinking chocolate swap seems to be everywhere. Nice, warm, gooey and tasty, but if ya get stuck in there your gonna have a hard time getting out. Ya gotta pull that next card from the stack and see if you can move away.

It's ok a lose a turn now and again. I think we use it to heal and recover. To build up strength for the next big step. I think that's what I've been doing lately. Building up for the next step. Maybe it's telling my parents, maybe it's sharing it with others, I don't know, but I know as that energy builds, I'm reaching out to others more and more. Like the one passage I shared yesterday. We receive comfort in order that we might in turn share that comfort with others. Guess I'm passing some back to you!

I'm throwin a rope I guess ;-) However I think it's the same one you've thrown me quite a few times, I'm just given you back the end you pulled me along with all those times since meeting you here. It's ok if you're not yet ready to take hold. When you are, I'll be here pulling.

Thinking of you, Praying for you, and Holding on to you, and I'm not letting go.


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#213237 - 03/26/08 12:55 PM Re: I'm Wallowing... [Re: JustScott]
kellticwarrior Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/10/08
Posts: 89
Loc: vancouver,b.c.,canada
roger,

it is not easier to stay where you are because that part of you is dying. you need to be strong and realize the positive side to healing. let it go,be free from it so you can live again.you are worth it! we are all worth it!we did nothing wrong!

may you find your true happiness,

Kelly

_________________________
Love heals everything

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#216216 - 04/07/08 03:58 PM Re: I'm Wallowing... [Re: kellticwarrior]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Roger,

Personally, I never accuse another guy of wallowing and I hope no one has done that to you. We are all different in so many ways, even when we see so much that we share. Only you can tell when you will be ready to move on. And when you know, you will do it. Look and you will see hands extended to you all around, but always with the understanding that you will reach out when you can, and when it feels possible.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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