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#215744 - 04/05/08 10:46 PM feeling trapped/ smothered
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
I'm not sure what is causing this feeling in me and wanting to run but lately i have been ( especially today ) feeling really "jumpy" and on edge and i am not sure why.

Perhaps it's my wedding coming up in september and i am now feeling this way.

She is bugging out tonight and just wont give me my space and she has her period and when "it" arrives i want to scream....she is so clingy and touchy feely i'm going F$%^ nutso.

Is it me

is it her

is it the fact i want my space

i'm not at all enjoying this feeling of being so jumpy and trapped yet i love her

--i want to be with her

my therapist says relationships and everything about it can trigger me


i sit here typing and she comes over to me wanting a kiss and it's not the first time tonght she has wanted attn and being clingy...what the fuck do i do without hurting her feelings..??

Do i leave it alone and just let it go

who knows
at this point i know we spend alot of time together i mean alot of time together and i am feeling trapped,jumpy,raw,edgey and most of all cautious..

What do you think is going on with me, or is it her

is it just what it is....a relationship....

Coop







Edited by thecoopstah (04/05/08 11:31 PM)
_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#215749 - 04/05/08 11:10 PM Re: feeling trapped/ smothered [Re: thecoopstah]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Coop I think it is several things going on.
1. You are starting to feel the effects of loosing your freedom and your space with the upcoming marriage. She will "officially" be there and have a "right" to be there and the control hot button is flashing "Danger, danger" lol
2. You abuse makes your personal space and boundries a trigger and she is stomping all over them. That will not go away. You need to find a way to cope with that. Check with your T.
3. It is the normal husband and wifey thing. You will not always be in sync. Sometimes she will want affection, kissing and touching and you won't. And vice versa. Get used to it. They didn't put that clause "for better or for worse" in there for nothing. Again Talk with your T and with her and arrange for some signals to indicate what your comfortable with.
4. Pre marital jitters. Take a valium. Get naked and relax.


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#215780 - 04/06/08 01:41 AM Re: feeling trapped/ smothered [Re: Freedom49]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
I'm not there, so i don't really know, but i can tell you what those that know me well would say, if i had the same situation: "Maybe the combination of two separate things has to do with this- one might be the struggle a part of you has, with allowing yourself the possibility of succeeding at a long-term relationship. The other might be a ghost of 'all-or-nothing' thinking, in other words 'it has to be all good, or all bad, eventually; why drag it out, if there's a bad ending in this?'"
Again, this is just what i would probably be asked to consider, if i were in your shoes. Sorry if none of that helps, but it's what came to mind...

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#215791 - 04/06/08 04:15 AM Re: feeling trapped/ smothered [Re: dgoods]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Coop,

Is it possible that SHE is feeling nervous, scared, jumpy, edgy and cautious too?? Is she looking to you to give her the the attention to reassure her that she is making the right decision in getting married? Does she get extra clingy and needly (scared) when you are having a particularly difficult time with your recovery?

I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you, only more questions.

Up until 4 years ago, I swore I would never get married. I would never put myself in a vulnerable position where someone else could manipulate and/or take advantage of me. It just wasn't going to happen!

My wife and I have been married for just over 3 years now and they have been (without a doubt) the happiest years of my life!! It's not always easy, but I haven't regretted getting married (not even for one minute) in the last 3 years! There has not been a day that has gone by where I haven't actually told her "Thank you for being my wife - I'm so glad that I married you"!

As far as her period goes, although it can be difficult, I would much rather deal with that than have to deal with a BF or husband that is dealing with CSA issues! Because I give my wife so much positive attention on a daily basis, she is able to give me the space when I need to deal with "my stuff".

The biggest lesson I've learned in the past 3 years of being married (and please don't take this the wrong way) is "It's not all about ME anymore"! If you can start asking yourself the questions in that first paragraph, I promise you, although things may not ever be perfect, they will be MUCH easier and you will have a much more satisfying relationship!

Good Luck!

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#215798 - 04/06/08 08:32 AM Re: feeling trapped/ smothered [Re: Brian]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303

Coop,

Like the Tango, it takes two to dance the dance. It's never JUST one person who performs the steps, otherwise the dance wouldn't happen.

Likewise, it takes two to cling -- and only one to uncling. It's not just your girlfriend who's clinging, you are too, otherwise there wouldn't be a relationship. By you putting the clinging ONLY into her, and not thereby recognizing your own clingyness, you're forcing her to cling for the two of you while you step back and call HER clingy, and by implication, declare clinginess as not ALSO a part of you.

If she stepped back, withdrew, stopped displaying spontaneous expressions of affection, then you'd have a mutual pact of non-intimacy. You both would hang out in seperate rooms, emotional nurturing would decrease, and the relationship would die -- at least as an intimate relationship.

Her "clingyness" is doing the intimate work for both of you --until or unless you own your own clingyness as well.

You're setting up a situation in which her clingyness (and the word is very strong and full of meaning) is something you feel you need to avoid as something "bad", like a clam stuck to our skin, or a leach that sucks our life-blood -- yet you don't plan on leaving.

Sooo...... seems to me that you should try to love BOTH her clingyness and your own. Otherwise you're going to create a mutually parasitic relationship rather than one based on mutuality -- including mutual gratitude that each of you have someone to cling to. It's a pretty fine thing.

And like someone else wrote: people who are traumatized tend to 1) withdraw into themselves and 2) split the world up into opposites, black and white.... me and "not me".... me and "Them", etc.... To deny one's own emotions and put them in others -- like "she's" clingy, but I'm not....

But it does take two to tango.

Katie



Edited by Kathryn (04/06/08 08:37 AM)

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#215860 - 04/06/08 02:24 PM Re: feeling trapped/ smothered [Re: Kathryn]
rchsweetie Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/06/08
Posts: 23
Hi Coop,
While tonight might not be the time to do it, maybe tomorrow, when you're both feeling a little less edgey, you can work out a sign (physical or spoken) that you can give each other to show what your feeling.

Her sign might be able to indicate to you that she's feeling withdrawn from you, in need of physical contact to reassure her of your feelings for her, wants to be touched, etc. And then you can decide how best to respond to her, based on knowing what she wants and knowing what you can give.

And your sign might be able to reassure her that its not her, that you just need some space, and that you do love her. And similarly, she, knowing how you feel, can judge her own needs and decide if she can just leave you alone for the evening, or if she really needs more from you.

Clearly it needs to be a give-and-take. But that comes more easily if you reassure each other about the potentially underlying insecurities/concerns before dealing with the situation at hand.

hope thats helpful...


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#215903 - 04/06/08 04:17 PM Re: feeling trapped/ smothered [Re: rchsweetie]
nic_z Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/05/08
Posts: 10
what you describe comes up for me alot. i'm living in an apartment where space doesn't exist. my gf is very demanding for attention, (me to at times) and it is 24/7.
i have no answers or clear understanding of the dynamics , but i've got a system i use that helps me.
she sleeps late, i wake early.
then i am available for her and she is for me..., talking, jobs..whatever needed for that day.
later in the evening i tell her i need space, she can have the bedroom or living space, mostly i dont' care where she picks. she knows that i wont be able to be focused on anything she says or wants or needs until i come back until i can - it maybe an hour or the rest of the night.
after i am calm and feel good and am ready i check in with her and can give her the quality attention she wants. it works for her because she knows i want to always treat her in a loving way and yea she wants not to deal with my irritation. this system helps make things good between us and meets the need i have of space.
good luck


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#216098 - 04/07/08 10:17 AM Re: feeling trapped/ smothered [Re: nic_z]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
That sounds really smart nic.

One thing I've learned over and over, is:

Quote:
Is it me

is it her


it usually a combination of both of you, and that's why you are together. Understanding that helps. Blaming one of you, generally doesn't.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#216146 - 04/07/08 12:57 PM Re: feeling trapped/ smothered [Re: thecoopstah]
Chagrin Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/18/08
Posts: 17
Loc: BC Canada
Hi Brian,

Not sure if you'll read this, but I just wanted to say that I really loved your reply here! Thanks!

~ Chagrin \:\)


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