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#215857 - 04/06/08 02:10 PM good feelings hurt!
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
I'm really sorry again, ---- I'm taking up more people's time with more posts, it just seems I've really entered a down period at the moment.

there was a time, just before and during my degree, one of the things I loved most was really getting absorbed in music. Particularly music with a certain sense or feeling, ---- a really warm comfortable and good feeling, yet at the same time stimulating, ---- like a fast bike ride on a warm summer day through beautiful country side.

Even before I decided to deal with this stuff though, things started to change, that feeling of hope and warmth was more distant. now, i stil feel that sense of hope, that warmth, ---- but it's agony!

There's no more certain way to reduce me to tears than through complex uplifting music (the main theme from jerassic park or titanic would be an example).

What's happened to me?

where's my creativity gone? where's my appreciation for experience?

I feel so pathetic that I can't even achieve this anymore, and all i do is work hard to do something minimal with my energy and just get away from myself for a while, ---- or hastle my friends or people on this site.

what's happened to me? why can't I be creative or enjoy anything anymore without huge amounts of effort? where have I ended up?

i hate myself for not being able to work through this!


Why is everything that was once wonderful creative riding the lightning just struggle? and why does hope hurt so much?

Has anyone else felt this way? Could someone please let me know of a way of dealing with this thought?

I know this feeling of depression will pass, ---- and if I make an effort I can at least destract myself, ---- but I want so much more than just destraction!

I want to create, and to really feel the creations of others, I want to love and be loved just as I did when i was nine before all the awfulness that happened at secondary school, ---- and I want to stop these stupid desires destroying me the!

I'm really sorry, ---- i believe this is what's known here as venting, and that's probably what I'm doing, but any help would be appreciated, though I'm sorry for asking.


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#215867 - 04/06/08 02:37 PM Re: good feelings hurt! [Re: dark empathy]
simonsurvives Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 58
Loc: California, Fresno
Creativity only comes when you are inspired what may have inspired you before may not now. Try new things or things that you might think inspire. Art museums. Music other people know. Your own poetry. Stuff like that. Good luck.
Simon


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#215877 - 04/06/08 03:23 PM Re: good feelings hurt! [Re: simonsurvives]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks simon. Here by "creativity" I mean creative energy, I'm always getting what I believe are good ideas, but in order for anything to happen with them I need to in put what I can only describe as energy. this is true whether I'm doing creative writing, my phd thesis or music. the initial idea is relatively easy to come by, but to get from there to a finished product I need energy. It's actually really frustrating for me to have an idea of the thing I want to create, but not have the energy to sit down and set about doing it, ---- and forcing myself just doesn't work (as recent comments from my tutor indicate).

When the energy's there though it's such a good, such a fantastically good feeling, I can't even begin to describe it.

but the feelings of hope I get from exploring other's music are actually related as well, and those feelings are just hurting at the moment.

for both things, my inability to create and my inability to appreciate, I really! despise myself at the moment, especially as I feel so powerless to do anything about this.


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#215878 - 04/06/08 03:27 PM Re: good feelings hurt! [Re: dark empathy]
simonsurvives Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 58
Loc: California, Fresno
I hear what you are saying now. I am having that trouble now myself. Where I want to do my work I have creative ideas I just don't work and I beat myself up for it. I hate that place limbo is something I do not like. I really cannot say much more because I am there with you. \:\)
Simon


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#215883 - 04/06/08 03:32 PM Re: good feelings hurt! [Re: simonsurvives]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
it's weerd, about the most energy I can muster is to play a stats and resource management game or something like chess, or read an easy book which i don't have to work hard on.

Yeee gods! I hate this state, and I hate the fact that I am stuck in it.

It's really nice to know that someone else feels something similar Simon, ---- thank you for that.


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#215887 - 04/06/08 03:40 PM Re: good feelings hurt! [Re: dark empathy]
simonsurvives Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 58
Loc: California, Fresno
yea, that crappy thing that I have noticed too. Is that we just have to wait out the feeling. Patience is definitely not my virtue. It is not the fact that we are not smart or that we can't do it. Its just that we are stuck.
Simon


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#215921 - 04/06/08 05:25 PM Re: good feelings hurt! [Re: simonsurvives]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Indeed Simon! and what really gets me mad is that I'm using all this energy to hammer at my self-worth issues and my fears, ---- and I just feel as if I'm swimming against the current and making no progress at all accept to keep my head above water and at the best destract myself for a bit, it makes me so furious with myself!


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#215934 - 04/06/08 06:46 PM Re: good feelings hurt! *DELETED* [Re: dark empathy]
awakening Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 342
Post deleted by awakening


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#215968 - 04/06/08 07:45 PM Re: good feelings hurt! [Re: awakening]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
DarkEmpathy even graduate students with CSA have to get away and let their creativity 'incubate' now and again. I strongly suggest some time away from your worries.



Edited by hogan_dawg (04/06/08 07:46 PM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#215971 - 04/06/08 07:59 PM Re: good feelings hurt! [Re: awakening]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Awakening, You are indeed right on both counts. I wouldn't mind if I felt I was actually getting somewhere with it. i resolved to do something about all this stuff that's been causign me so much trouble, ---- and however much it hurts and however much energy it take.

but at the moment i just feel as if all this pain and exhaustion is going into just making me stand stil, --- and I'm not getting anwhere.

Pluss, the old method of getting hope through music, of feeling strong by music does nothing but cause me pain.

I tried to here the theme from cocoon today, ---- one of the most beautiful pieces of music I know and one that's had a very special meaning for me, ---- and I just burst instantly into floods of tears because that bright feeling of rushing warmth and hope just seemed so wrong!

As I've said before, this recovery is almost like my abuse again, ---- accept this time it's me who's hurting me, and there's nothing I can do about it but use all my energy and resources to close myself down and shut myself off.

Creation? or hope? forget it!
Oh heck, I'm really sorry, I know that sounds disparing, but that's how I feel at the moment. I've made the resolution so I'll go on trying, ---- but right now the resolution is all I've got, and it's fairly cold comfort compared to the hope and flying warmth and star watching and creativitiy that I really desire, ----- not to mention to love and be loved by another, ---- though right now that's so beyond me as to be completely impossible, ---- as though I were trying to fly by flapping my arms pointlessly.


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