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#215715 - 04/05/08 09:00 PM the invisible man
Magoo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/08
Posts: 48
Loc: far, far away
I'm going to be 50 this year. I kept my sexual abuse a secret for 37 years. I couldn't tell anyone and stuffed it for a very long time. I was married once for 15 years and had 3 kids. We divorced over 10 years ago. I met a beautiful woman a few years ago and we got engaged. In February, we split up. She was scared and she questioned my behavior and my mood swings, my distance and absence from the relationship, etc... I knew I had to get to the bottom of it because I heard it before. I knew the trauma was affecting my life. I saw a therapist to help with the grief of losing her and was asked straight out, 'Were you ever sexually abused as a kid?' I blurted out 'YES..I WAS' in a relieving, breathless sigh of exclamation' YES' 'YES I WAS' Finally ...WHEW!
I'm Free...finally...someone asked. Someone cared enough to ask because I didn't have the nerve to tell.
I am now working through it. No more secrets. I never told another soul until then. I've been so ashamed and filled with guilt all my life. My alcoholic Dad didn't even wonder where I was half the time. He was also disabled and lied in bed all day long. I have 4 older brothers and 2 sisters who never asked, never wondered. Either they didn't care or didn't want to know. I have been one of the loneliest people in the world...the invisible man, and no one, not my kids or co workers, ever knew it. Once when I was 14, at the time of my abuse, I attempted suicide. I swallowed a handful of aspirin just to get a reaction from someone. A cry for help. It was neatly covered up. No one ever asked why. Not even the hospital.
Thank you God for keeping me in your grace. I have no secrets to hide any longer and I know now it wasn't my fault. I forgive my father and siblings for not realizing or wanting to realize what was happening to me. I know now they were scared too.
Thanks for letting me share...


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#215725 - 04/05/08 09:28 PM Re: the invisible man [Re: Magoo]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Magoo, welcome.. and congratulations!

Breaking the silence is an amazing and powerful step. I hope you continue to heal and find the men here as compassionate and understanding as I have. I, too, waited for 37 years to start my journey - and I too have felt such a huge weight lifted from my soul.

So glad you found us here

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#215727 - 04/05/08 09:34 PM Re: the invisible man [Re: Magoo]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Magoo,

Welcome to MS, I'm sorry you need this place but I'm glad you have found us.

Your story is so familiar, except for a few details, it mirrors my life. I am glad you are finally getting help. A good T (therapist) will help you work through many of the effects of CSA. You will also need to build a support network.

I can honestly say that the guys here have been a major support for me. I hope you continue to work through the past, but remember you are among friends here. When you need to talk, stop in and share. We will be here for you.

Good luck on your road to recovery.

Your new friend,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#215730 - 04/05/08 09:39 PM Re: the invisible man [Re: dannym]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
Magoo,

Your story is very close to mine. Like you, I kept my abuse a secret for 40 years(I am 51). I finally told my wife of 26 years about the abuse and it felt as if the weight of the world was taken off my shoulders. I am also in therapy and making progress...slow, but still progress.

I am glad that you are on your healing journey. I wish you much peace and joy in your life.

Dan


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#215746 - 04/05/08 10:50 PM Re: the invisible man [Re: DanM]
Magoo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/08
Posts: 48
Loc: far, far away
Thank You Dan, Carl, and Dan!

What a relief!

Another twist for me is I'm from NYC. I got laid off in January but soon got another job offer in Dallas and accepted it. I am now here in TX and my therapist, the first person I divulged to is in NYC. She suggested the Healing Workbook from Laura Davis which I own and the book suggests building a support network but also 'telling'. I told you guys, it felt good and I liked your responses however I don't have any friends so do I tell my kids and my siblings? I'm petrified! I'm not sure I'm ready. When and how do you tell and to whom?


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#215747 - 04/05/08 10:57 PM Re: the invisible man [Re: Magoo]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Congratulations Magoo. I know how that feels. I kept the secret for 40 some odd years my self. Kids and siblings should understand. They probably love you and respect you. Any others just kind of feel people out socially and your heart will tell you when is right. I would not just go down the street stopping strangers but if someone indicates they care about you and want to get to know you that is a good sign.


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#215815 - 04/06/08 10:06 AM Re: the invisible man [Re: Freedom49]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
Hi magoo--------------i keep it in for about 40 years------------------i am now 56----------------where does the time go????????????Dallas you say------------------i live so close to dallas you could spit at me--------------sorry just a poor joke--------------------anyways------------------i dont really have friends in person------------------i have a bunch here--------------------which i am greatful for-----------------sometimes i dont show it---------------------------------send me a PM-----------------if you like-------------------------steve


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#215827 - 04/06/08 11:04 AM Re: the invisible man [Re: sabata]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Magoo,

I am glad you found MS. Sorry that you are here, but this is a great site to tell your story and find you are definitely not alone.

I disclosed my CSA after keeping it a secret for 41 years. Yes, what a relief, no more lies, no more living someone that I was not. I was married two times, ended up with 2 wonderful children, but that was about the extent of the victories. Now that I am dealing with my sexual abuse my life is in a major turmoil. My present GF is moving out soon, I have an estranged relationship with my family, It has effected my job and performance.

But I do know that I will be a stronger man and a man not hiding behind a mask. My life is running short on time. I pray that your healing journey will be just that, a Healing Journey>

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#215831 - 04/06/08 11:16 AM Re: the invisible man [Re: KENKEN]
Darren Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/12/07
Posts: 120
Loc: The High Seas
Welcome to MS, Magoo -- I'm glad you found this site. It's a great resource and the people here are very supportive. Good luck with your continued recovery! -Darren

_________________________
“Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates” -Mark Twain

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#215833 - 04/06/08 11:28 AM Re: the invisible man [Re: Darren]
MagRaith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/07
Posts: 69
Loc: Salt Lake City, UT
Magoo -

First I gotta say I LOVE your screen name! My screen name is the original pure Scottish version of my last name, but Magoo is my unofficial nickname. My ipod is named "Magoopod", my ipod nano is "teen magoo" and my ipod shuffle is my "baby magoo". Okay, enough already but - great screen name, I'm curious (if you don't mind telling) how you settled on that.

Second, you took a great step in coming to this site. I don't post a lot, but in reading I do get a lot out of this site. I just recently attended my first Weekend of Recovery which was a bittersweet experience, a definite step forward. I know this site is a resource that can help you and has made a huge difference in my recovery. You can also find a new therapist in your area through a referral from this site if you ask. I would suggest you consider finding one asap and reestablishing that relationship. At least for me, my therapist has been my life saver.

Kurt


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#215869 - 04/06/08 02:42 PM Re: the invisible man [Re: MagRaith]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1977
Holding this stuff inside creates enormous amount of emotional pressure that builds up and can create all sorts of problems.

I told a friend of mine last fall about what happened to me. We recently got on the subject again, and I told him the story of who I first told, a therapist back in 1997. I actually blacked-out in the session. Not sure for how long, but I blacked-out (may have been even just a fraction of a second, I have no idea).

Anyway, my friend said it was like trying to fit all of Lake Mead through a hole the size of a quarter. A lot of built up pressure. It is good to share this stuff, so the pressure doesn't build up so great, and create problems related to this. This site is a great resource to be able share and get things out. It might make sense at some point to share with your family as well (who you think you should share with), in that it may help them to know you better and create and opportunity for a deeper relationship, and more healing to happen.

Take care,
Eric


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#216018 - 04/06/08 11:20 PM Re: the invisible man [Re: sabata]
Magoo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/08
Posts: 48
Loc: far, far away
Thanks Steve, I appreciate your support. \:\)


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#216020 - 04/06/08 11:22 PM Re: the invisible man [Re: ericc]
Magoo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/08
Posts: 48
Loc: far, far away
Thanks Eric

I wish I told sooner. Maybe my life would have been happier.

Be well,

M


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#216022 - 04/06/08 11:25 PM Re: the invisible man [Re: KENKEN]
Magoo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/08
Posts: 48
Loc: far, far away
Thanks Ken,

I appreciate your support. I know this can be tough on everyone but right now, I think you need to take care of you.
Sorry your having a tough time and I wish you many more victories.

M


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#216024 - 04/06/08 11:26 PM Re: the invisible man [Re: Darren]
Magoo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/08
Posts: 48
Loc: far, far away
Thanks for your support, Darren.

M


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#216025 - 04/06/08 11:30 PM Re: the invisible man [Re: MagRaith]
Magoo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/08
Posts: 48
Loc: far, far away
Thanks Kurt,

My older brothers and sisters called me Magoo when I got my first pair of glasses...it kinda stuck!

I will search for another therapist soon as I settle down;thanks for the advice and help.

Be well,
M


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#216036 - 04/07/08 12:00 AM Re: the invisible man [Re: Magoo]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1977
Magoo,

Don't be too hard on yourself for thinking you should have told sooner. I know I wish I would have dealt with it all sooner than I had (long story there). But truth is we were able to do so when the time was right. Keep working on what you can now and try to make things better going forward.

Eric


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