i'm an incest survivor. it lasted a long time.
i've been thinking this last few months of when i was about 8 or 9. the family had a party for a cousin of mine who was getting married. it was summer and everyone gathered at my uncles house. i was with my sister and 2 cousins hiding behind one of the many cars parked along the street. we were hiding because we were going to smoke the cigar that we got from the party. an older cousin found us and said we need to come to the abandoned house farther down. inside it was dark and smelled of mold and dust and dirt. we were told to line up against a wall. we joined a few other of the younger cousins. i didn't know what was going on. the older cousins were in groups in front of the windows so i could see them move around talking to each other. the door opened and two of my uncles walked in. that's when it started. they told my cousin barbara to move to the middle of the room to my right. two of the older ones forced her to the floor and it was to dark...i don't know..just her body with them over her. then they pulled my cousin jon forward and he had a group of older ones around him. it was my turn..i don't remember anything more except blinding pain. my mom told me that i came to her later saying i was sick and they took me home.
that was one night of many years of uncles, cousins, father and grandmother.
the uncles were most cruel. barbara, who was older than me focused on pain when she set up re enactments.
my mom, an incest survivor herself, asked me after i left home if uncle roy ever touched me. i said yes and she said i thought so. she hasn't talked to me again about it. i can't function well and am on disability for ptsd and depression/anxiety. i try to talk to my mom about what happened and how it effected everything in my life but she wont. in fact she can hardly talk to me at all. what is difficult to hold is that she pretends nothing happened and is in contact most everyday with someone who abused me. i don't get that part. being rejected cause i cant keep the secret.
anyway, i finished college, lost every job i had. lost friends, family, most everything i had owned and was homeless for a year before the ssi . i have a gf who i've lived with for a few years. she is a survivor too. we have this little apartment and my service dog and her cat and we spend the days isolating while trying not to trigger each other. its the best relationship either one of us have had but its crumbing. i dont know if we are in couple therapy to heal with each other or split up. i feel like i am loosing everything again.