Mark:

I will not claim to know whether God creates us with having same sex attractions. Obviously you have come the conclusion that your same sex attractions are "Part of who you are". I don´t like the term ...GAY is who I am. You are a man, a father a husband, and lots of other things ...and you have same sex attractions. I do however know, that it for many with same sex attractions are necessary, for a while to identify themselves with these attractions in order to be true to themselves. You are about to make some tough choices.

Could one of the choices be that you choose to see yourself as Bisexual? That you are capable of loving both men and women. But until now have sacrificed your Homo emotional needs, in order to do what you at that time thought was the right decission.

You have taken care of your wife and children. Now it is time to take of yourself. Would it be possible to stay in the marriage and get your wifes blessing to find friend? It is my opinion that getting a divorce and telling her that your marriage "was a lie and a mistake" is cruel. You were honest about your same sex attractions, they were part of you and still are. You now know that you have to have your homo emotional needs met, but perhaps you can have that without destroying the good part of your marriage. Yes it is going to be hard on your wife, but I do not think it is right to leave the decision up to her. It is also your decision and responsibility. Can you reach some sort of agreement?

The living a lie part seems more to do with keeping up appearance in the Church perhaps in order to keep your job?
Your marriage was no lie and your children either. Your need to find a man to love and be loved by is not a lie either. You now have to choose and it is hard. Ask God in prayers what you must do. It is never easy to do the right thing. I hope you will find peace and have your needs met. If you stay it is not going to be easy. If you leave it is not going to be easy either. All our choices have consequences. "No man is an Island. We all have a ripple effect on each others lives". But I know that having same sex attractions is not a choice, how we deal with them are however. Gods know us and our hearts.

my wife and i have had many conversations. talks about me - who i am, how i feel... each time i have given up on the part of me that cries out for a man. i give it excuses - just looking for the father i never had. trying to have the relationship my brother was supposed to be but wasn't. you name an excuse - i've used it.

anyhoo - there are not many things i claim to truly "know" in life. but, if i can believe the woman who has been my partner for most of my life, she will leave if i give any "attention" to my intense desire for a man. i know the church will let me go. it's not my main income - in fact it's doesn't cover much more than the gas to drive back and forth. it's losing the "friendships" there that i fear the most.

my children ... have been raised to be open and honest. i think i know how each of them would react - and i don't believe i would ever truly lose one of them. yes, there would be hurts and pains and many tears - but i don't think any of them would ever completely shut me out.

my T session was good this week. and it helped get some things in line. i know longer doubt my sexuality. i know.

my real choice now is do i live as the man i was born to be, or as the man others expect me to be.

put that way ... it doesn't sound that difficult a choice. but it's tearing me apart.

m

Mark,
As a godly man, find out how He expects you to live. There you will find peace, you may not be happy, but you will find peace. It is a simple formula. Not easy to formulate but simple. Just a thought.

That's what this is all about.

MarkK -- Is it possible for me to apologize for my earlier post? You have enough on your mind without my uninformed comments. Without qualification I say "I am sorry" for what I said and I am sorry that you must go through all of this. Trent

Since i can't control your actions - only you would know if it's possible for you to do something.

Forgiven - and hopefully over.

m