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#213986 - 03/29/08 03:54 PM Re: Mom [Re: dking777]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: dking777
It boils down to something my Grandfather passed on to me. It was his daughter walking with the dieased mind. He told me to remember the "good book" - and hate the sin and not the sinner. Or - hate the crime and not the criminal. When he told me that, he knew the subject matter concerned the fact it was possible I was going to wake up one day - and recall and realize - that my Mother (and his Daughter) was a child molester and I was her victim for many years.

So - that is how I dealt with it in the past - and how I am trying to cope with it now. My Mom walked with a terrible sin and I hate what it did to the both of us - but I don't hate her.

Instead of feeling sorry for myself -- I feel sorry for her. I feel that is where the sorrow belongs. On her and not me. My prayer is - that "God has mercy" on her soul. I say that because with her dieased mind - she don't realize the hurt, damage, pain, angish, and the harm she has done to me in my life. I have a feeling when it comes time for her to face her Creator -- he is going to dump all that pain on top of her - and then - maybe she will shed a tear or two - knowing what it was like to walk a mile in my shoe. I wouldn't wish the pain I carry inside me on my worst enemy - much less my own Mother.


i like that idea, to hate the crime and not the criminal, the idea that it is a disease of the mind, actually in a story i've been writing there is a disease of the mind, and that kind of abuse does come out as a side affect in my story. i think i know why my story is so theraputic to me now, because it is about the crime and not the criminal, i have tonnes of love hate things going on im my story, and in my story everything makes so much sense.

thanks for that, i feel like you've brought me closer to healing

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#213991 - 03/29/08 04:11 PM Re: Mom [Re: mogigo]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
Originally Posted By: mogigo
...I don't know how to feel. That has been my hardest moment, the hardest "thing" of my life. Thank you for making me feel I'm not alone.

I just don't know how to feel about her, my Mother. She was my Mother, she loved me but she hurt me so very very badly. It's so very hard.


Ok, let me say this first, I saw this post last evening and hoped it would just go away, b/c it trumps up my own issues; unhealthily better left unattended to. Rather then wish this posting would go a way, I will post. Your statement hits right at the heart of my issue.

I love my mother, not because she made me tacos, but more so because she gave me life and deep inside I know she loves me. She came from a crappy childhood and she made sure we knew that. She did this so we knew just how good we had it. My mother did not overtly sexual abuse me, but she did engage in inappropriate activities of physical touch that I feel taught me at a young age that it was acceptable to have physical connected with other people.

When I started to dealing with my abuse I had a lot of confusion and did know what to do, so I shared it with my mother. She took it as I was confronting and accusing her for everything. I was just seeking answers, which her reaction truly provided. At the same time I tried to come out with my sexual identity conflicts, WOW, itís amazing what the bible and Jesus our Lord GOD says about homosexuality. Her ďthrow of the bibleĒ at me lead to a lot more questioning of who I truly was as a man, as well as my lose of faith in the bible as I was taught. This was all 10 years ago now, Iím still not comfortable out, but inside I know who I am and I have been able to find faith as an Unitarian, which allows me to be comfortable with my own belief system. Itís all about personal healing.

Mike, back to your statement, last August, my mother called to tell me she had thyroid cancer and needed to see a thyroid specialist. Working in a retirement community, I told not a problem I find you the best in the area. The next day, I went fishing with my Pop, he noticed I was perplexed by something, so I told him of my motherís call and that even though I offered to help her, I felt nothing, NO feeling of compassion for her illness. I was more upset, because I didnít feel anything, then I was with the thought that my mother, the woman that gave me life might be dying of thyroid cancer. My Pop and I donít normally talk about her, but this was an acceptation. He just listened and offered no real advice, but did say he understood and I would too. When I went to work the follow week I talk to our director of nursing and another for suggestion for a doctor. I shared want I knew of her condition and so on. I called with what I had learned and within a week, her cancer was gone.

This my friend, was the point I regained the part of myself that she always controlled. The part when I was able to end the reputation or cycle of the control over me. I will weep when she passes, but no more will she control my feelings and be able to effect my life that way she did when I was a child.

Sorry to ramble, but I think I healthily spoke out about my issues related to my mother and WOW do I feel better for doing so. THANK YOU!!!

TAKE CARE!!! XO

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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#213993 - 03/29/08 04:29 PM Re: Mom [Re: TNuss]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
(((Troy)))

I to wished this post would go away, but hey it's from me right? the problem is it's not going anywhere until I look at it and deal with it.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#213994 - 03/29/08 04:31 PM Re: Mom [Re: mogigo]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
So true Brother, so so true! Stay strong!!!

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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#214011 - 03/29/08 05:34 PM Re: Mom *DELETED* [Re: TNuss]
awakening Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 342
Post deleted by awakening


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#214013 - 03/29/08 05:54 PM Re: Mom [Re: awakening]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Good question "Does it really end when they die?" and I am sure I don't know the answer. I'm in a similar spot in that both parents are nearing the end of their lives.

I struggle with disclosure and the kind of completion one gets with a public disclosure and a reckoning - it concerns validation. I've had my voice invalidated since day one because the perp wanted to hide the evidence way inside my soul. If he kept my credibility covered with mud, the truth couldn't emerge. Also, I've been kept 'down' all my life by this event too.

So should I hate the crime and not the criminal? Why hate anyone? Why not just 'turn that frown upside down', and get public validation, or at least make the effort and let the chips fall with the Police in public?

I guess I don't do that yet because I know the consequences on my bringing it to the Police include the disintegration of the entire family, with me losing a place in the family.

You guys talk about tough stuff.

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#214061 - 03/29/08 09:00 PM Re: Mom [Re: hogan_dawg]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Mike,
Its difficult to seperate your feelings for a family member who is also an abuser. My brother is my abuser and we have a good relationship to this day, and its not easy but I'm learning to seperate how I feel about what he did and how I feel about him as a brother. When you think about a perp, most people think of some sick monster and I just don't see that in my brother, I see a good father, a good brother, a good husband.

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#215451 - 04/04/08 10:44 PM Re: Mom [Re: onlyakid]
dave999 Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 23
Loc: Canada
I am sorry to report to everyone that from my own experience it does not die when your mother dies. Both of my parents have died and it was several years after my mom's death that I actually got in touch with her CSA of me. The problem is that the pain and injury resides within each of us and so changing the external world has little impact. The sad reality is that we are left with the effects and have to deal with the impact and trying to understand what we did and continue to do to protect ourselves - painful but true - Dave


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#215486 - 04/05/08 12:32 AM Re: Mom [Re: dave999]
Iroll Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/04/08
Posts: 8
Sorry jtt5254..... but I don't see my brother who is my abuser in that way. He abused me about 50 years ago and I have just recently learned that he did this to me and I still have no specific memories of the abuse though it happened for 3 years. I never want to see him again. And if I do see him I fear that I would tear his f***ing head from his shoulders and stuff it up his a**!! Even though I am paralyzed from the waist down, I often visualize my self performing his undoing from my wheelchair!! LOL


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