...I don't know how to feel. That has been my hardest moment, the hardest "thing" of my life. Thank you for making me feel I'm not alone.
I just don't know how to feel about her, my Mother. She was my Mother, she loved me but she hurt me so very very badly. It's so very hard.
Ok, let me say this first, I saw this post last evening and hoped it would just go away, b/c it trumps up my own issues; unhealthily better left unattended to. Rather then wish this posting would go a way, I will post. Your statement hits right at the heart of my issue.
I love my mother, not because she made me tacos, but more so because she gave me life and deep inside I know she loves me. She came from a crappy childhood and she made sure we knew that. She did this so we knew just how good we had it. My mother did not overtly sexual abuse me, but she did engage in inappropriate activities of physical touch that I feel taught me at a young age that it was acceptable to have physical connected with other people.
When I started to dealing with my abuse I had a lot of confusion and did know what to do, so I shared it with my mother. She took it as I was confronting and accusing her for everything. I was just seeking answers, which her reaction truly provided. At the same time I tried to come out with my sexual identity conflicts, WOW, itís amazing what the bible and Jesus our Lord GOD says about homosexuality. Her ďthrow of the bibleĒ at me lead to a lot more questioning of who I truly was as a man, as well as my lose of faith in the bible as I was taught. This was all 10 years ago now, Iím still not comfortable out, but inside I know who I am and I have been able to find faith as an Unitarian, which allows me to be comfortable with my own belief system. Itís all about personal healing.
Mike, back to your statement, last August, my mother called to tell me she had thyroid cancer and needed to see a thyroid specialist. Working in a retirement community, I told not a problem I find you the best in the area. The next day, I went fishing with my Pop, he noticed I was perplexed by something, so I told him of my motherís call and that even though I offered to help her, I felt nothing, NO feeling of compassion for her illness. I was more upset, because I didnít feel anything, then I was with the thought that my mother, the woman that gave me life might be dying of thyroid cancer. My Pop and I donít normally talk about her, but this was an acceptation. He just listened and offered no real advice, but did say he understood and I would too. When I went to work the follow week I talk to our director of nursing and another for suggestion for a doctor. I shared want I knew of her condition and so on. I called with what I had learned and within a week, her cancer was gone.
This my friend, was the point I regained the part of myself that she always controlled. The part when I was able to end the reputation or cycle of the control over me. I will weep when she passes, but no more will she control my feelings and be able to effect my life that way she did when I was a child.
Sorry to ramble, but I think I healthily spoke out about my issues related to my mother and WOW do I feel better for doing so. THANK YOU!!!
TAKE CARE!!! XO