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#214670 - 04/01/08 04:36 PM my husband has sex with men
mara Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/01/08
Posts: 18
My husband has had sex with men twice during the 14 years of our marriage (before he told me about his CSA). This has hurt me more than I can say. He won't talk to me about it because he says the subject triggers him. I have felt the pain alone for 18 months now, hoping one day he would be able to hear me.
So many of you have the same issue in your relationships. (I have been reading for a few weeks but just logged on today). Any words for me?


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#214689 - 04/01/08 07:25 PM Re: my husband has sex with men [Re: mara]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
{{{Mara}}} I'm sorry you had to find your way here, but I'm glad you did.

My b/f of better than 6 years didn't have sex with men, but he did troll the internet for women for nothing more than sex, the pain of betrayal is the same, man or woman.

I'm guessing that since you've been here for a few weeks that your husband's behaviors fit into the very broad range of hell that can be caused by csa. Is he or has he sought any treatment or tried to deal with it in any way?

Again, I'm so sorry you find yourself here. There are alot of women in your shoes and many men here who will very willinging give of themselves to help you through.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#214709 - 04/01/08 08:47 PM Re: my husband has sex with men [Re: Trish4850]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Mara,

I am glad your here though I certainly wish it were under different circumstances. I don't want to justify your husband's behavior nor mine because I can relate to what has happened with him. However, one of the outcomes of being sexually molested by a man or men or older boys can result in lots of confusion about one's sexuality, self esteem, sense of self, and personal boundaries.

My hope is you and your husband will find a good counselor who understands the impact of being abused on a male and can help you and your husband reconstruct a life that works for both of you. Please take the time to read what other men are experiencing as they deal with abuse on this site. Hopefully, you will see that relationships can be maintained and enhanced with a csa victum but it is an up hill battle for most.

Both of you need lots of good information to help make this happen.

Hugs to both of you,

Ron


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#215043 - 04/03/08 12:06 PM Re: my husband has sex with men [Re: Barney]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Mara:

I am sorry for everything you are going through but please remember, we are here to offer you support. Please keep in mind that you are not alone.

The therapist has finally helped me to understand something very important regarding relationships, acting out and the whole sexual identity issue. No matter what our partners, husband's or boyfriend's are going through...no matter what their sexual issues are...that does not change the sexual aspect of ourselves, our self worth or our identities one bit.

I believe I had mistakenly wagered my sexual identity completely upon that aspect with my husband...even if that aspect within our relationship was totally removed, I am still a complete person and know who I am.

Although the therapist's approach at first led me to believe he had lost all of his marbles, the point he brought home was exactly that. I feel sometimes that the male survivor's issues somehow becomes intermingled and confused within our own insecurities. That is where therapy and support groups such as Male Survivor come into play...it helps all of us sift through the confusion and figure out where we fit in to a much bigger picture.

Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#215047 - 04/03/08 12:12 PM Re: my husband has sex with men [Re: Barney]
mara Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/01/08
Posts: 18
Thank you for your kind answers, Trish and Barney. My husband is in private and group counselling and we are in couples counselling together, but this is a closed topic for him. He won't let it be spoken of in therapy or out of it. Our couples therapist shut me down on the topic when I tried to raise it because he said it was too upsetting for my husband. That was 10 months ago. It remains a taboo in our relationship.

I put my question out there because frankly I have been appalled at what I have read on this website about this topic.

I have learned:

1. CSA survivors having sex outside their primary relationship is very common and they can't help the behaviour
2. They tell us not to take it personally because it isn't personal
3. They lie about it sometimes
4. Love for us or fear of losing us is not enough motivation to stop
5. They are annoyed and impatient with us when we are hurt about it

I guess I want to say:

1. We worry that because they can't help it, it will never stop, that it will be a part of our lives forever if we stay in this relationship
2. We do take it personally and probably always will.
3. The lies make us feel betrayed twice over. They make us suspicious and mistrustful of everything that is said to us even though this is not in our natures.
4. We still believe that if we were a good enough partner, the behaviour would stop, even if you tell us this is not so
5. We suppress our hurt so as not to bother you, but it doesn't go away

There may be some things you can't help. There are also some things we can't help.


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#215050 - 04/03/08 12:13 PM Re: my husband has sex with men [Re: mara]
mara Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/01/08
Posts: 18
Thank you to sweetandsour too. Your words were very kind. I'm just so unhappy about this


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#215085 - 04/03/08 01:35 PM Re: my husband has sex with men [Re: mara]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Mara,

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I'm sorry that you seem to be at an impasse with discussing things like this right now.

But thank you for jumping right in. This is a great paired list, and whether the betrayals happen with women or men I think it applies pretty well. I can certainly relate.

I'm not sure it's complete, though.

On the CSA survivor side, I'd add:
They *can* [learn to] moderate and control their behavior; acting out is not inevitable.
Effective motivation to change might not come from wanting to please us, exactly, and yet it is important for us to stand our ground.
They can also be very guilty and shame-ridden about the acting-out and feel completely worthless and hopeless (and so be hyper-sensitive to criticism about it). The whole cycle can be self-perpetuating, unfortunately, and so a creative stepping-aside is sometimes helpful.

On the partner side, I'd add:
We may have cause to worry, yet it is still our choice about the prominence we want to give that feeling.
We can take it personally, and yet we can also acknowledge that we bring our own insecurities to the relationship which can make our hurt more acute.
Sometimes when communication with our partner is too painful or provocative, we will need to acknowledge our loss and sorrow most fully with other people. But we can still practice communicating our feelings as clearly and as honestly as we know how.

We do not give up our own needs even though our partner is in an uproar. We are still deserving of respect, honesty, and consideration no matter how rotten our partner may feel. Infidelity can bring the risk of STD exposure, too, and so that element is something that should not be ignored. In any case, it is always up to us to decide what kind of treatment we will accept.

I think, in other words, that the sense of powerlessness for both parties can be excruciating. It does neither one any good to intensify a belief that we cannot change our situation, and that we must simply endure in silence.

Finding a different way is not easy, I don't mean to suggest that at all. But it is not impossible.

Welcome, Mara. You are not alone--either in struggle or in success.

Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#216000 - 04/06/08 10:13 PM Re: my husband has sex with men [Re: mara]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Dear mara,
Empower yourself with information. My SO has had several encounters with men. None of which were relationships. The best thing you can do for yourself, is research the information on the effects of csa on men. As much as I HATE the phrase, this isn't about you.
There are alot of aspects to this.

Liv


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