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#214960 - 04/03/08 02:43 AM Re: So this is the story of what can happen at a W [Re: Roofus]
JorgeR Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Santa Cruz, CA, USA
Dear Allen,

Yes...I noticed how hard you struggled...this weekend was hard for me, because I noticed how hard several people struggled...much the way I imagine I struggled in Alta, and that I noticed others struggled in Alta...but this time, I had enough freedom about me to notice it in others, and to feel bad that I could not help each and every one.

I wish there was enough time and energy to reach and help everyone...but we all know that is not what this is about...as it was I was acting like one participant's mother until I realized I was doing it...I did try to talk to as many people as I had the room and energy for...I remember at the end of the day on Saturday that I specifically sat down next to Dale at dinner, because I could not cry one more tear, I could not handle one more heartache, I could not hold one more fellow survivor up...I was channelling too much emotion...and had been since listening to the 6 stories of my other group members, and my carthartic telling of my own...and I knew Dale would make me laugh...and he did...so I held up...

Originally Posted By: Roofus

When you state that you don't have or express emotions, I felt touched. You expressed so much emotion at the retreat, and I envy that. Although I was not in your group, you touched my heart in many other ways and impressed upon me that I too may have the capability of allowing others even a little peek into my past, and exposing my vulnerabilities even if just a little bit.


When I was in Alta, I used the emotion I gathered from listening to my group members' stories to help me connect to my own...and it made me physically ill...it was too much too soon....this time I did the same thing, but my capacity to handle it has grown and you see the result in my story. You will get there...I hope that you left Sequoia with that hope, a real hope, that you will get there.

Originally Posted By: Roofus

After the first day of the retreat, I wrote in my journal that I hated it, that I didn't want to be there, and I was looking for some way to escape. The second day was really rough on me, and I felt so distraught. That day, I wrote in my journal that I really didn't hate being there, but what I hated was the way it was making me FEEL. Feeling so much that I was loosing control! And yet as I have processed somd of these "feelings" I finally realized that I am alive.


One of my group members said in the first small group that he just didn't see any point...I told him to wait 48 hours and see how he felt...

He told me at the last small group, that I was right...he now has that hope that I got in Alta, that I really will heal, and really will feel "normal", whatever that is...

Originally Posted By: Roofus

I spent the time during small group trying to push the feelings back down. Then at our closing gathering I was sitting right next to you. I felt your strength, the look in your eyes was so calming to me, and you "raised me up." I almost collapsed. But thank you for your strength, and for witnessing to others that we can live.


Don't do it, don't push them back down, they will only rise up again and again until you acknowledge them, feel them, and release them...

in Alta, I committed myself to listening to my little boy whenever he needs me too...and he needed me to listen to and feel his shame this weekend...

I did, and now...it has no where to hide anymore...my heart is free of it.

You can do this...YOU are worth it.

Peace, Joy & a big hug,
Jorge

_________________________
I found my little boy at Alta 2007...I spoke the unspeakable shame at Sequoia 2008...I learned to flounder at Alta 2009

What breakthrough can YOU have at a Weekend of Recovery?

** talk to me about WoRs or BoD or Committees **

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#214961 - 04/03/08 02:52 AM Re: So this is the story of what can happen at a W [Re: NWcats]
JorgeR Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Santa Cruz, CA, USA
Jackson,

:-)

My brave roomy...I know you were having a hard time too...but I didn't realize how much so until that one moment when you cried on my shoulder.

The impulse is always to protect the person and stop them from crying...but I know I need to cry...I need to get angry...and I know I need to let it all out...and you do too...so I was prepared to give you that shoulder until you were done.

As a popular country sound from just a few years back once said "I hope you dance", as in have fun and joy in your life, but I also hope you and little Jackson cry...because he deserves to be heard.

Peace, Joy & Love,
Jorge


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#214962 - 04/03/08 03:05 AM Re: So this is the story of what can happen at a W [Re: FLRich]
JorgeR Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Santa Cruz, CA, USA
Rich,

My secret was safe for 30 years...we had guys in Sequoia that had their secret for as many as 51 years...how long do you really want to wait to really start living?

We had an 18yo and 21yo...and I told them both how lucky they were to be doing this work at this age...rather than after a lifetime of isolation and broken relationships.

I know it's hard...every man there struggled...some wanted to leave every minute they were there...but, I bet not one man that was there would tell you that they wish they didn't go...and further I bet, every man would say they are different today than before they got there.

The next one is in GA...that's close to you...think about it....YOU and little Rich are worth it.

Peace & Joy,
Jorge

_________________________
I found my little boy at Alta 2007...I spoke the unspeakable shame at Sequoia 2008...I learned to flounder at Alta 2009

What breakthrough can YOU have at a Weekend of Recovery?

** talk to me about WoRs or BoD or Committees **

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#215032 - 04/03/08 11:36 AM Re: So this is the story of what can happen at a WoR [Re: Freedom49]
Roofus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/08
Posts: 233
Loc: Utah
Thanks for your thoughts... When there are so many people, and so much emotion it's difficult to get to know everyone. I think we all wanted to get to know others at a deeper level, but there just wasn't time. I appreciate your comments, and I look forward to getting to know you using other means of communication. Perhaps here we can get to know each other better.


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#215034 - 04/03/08 11:44 AM Re: So this is the story of what can happen at a W [Re: JorgeR]
Roofus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/08
Posts: 233
Loc: Utah
Jorge,

thank you for your strength. You are clearly an example to many. Im so glad you made this time your time. I agree, taking on the emotions and pain of so many others is extremely consuming. I have learned a great deal from you, and look forward to learning more from you.


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#215098 - 04/03/08 02:19 PM Re: So this is the story of what can happen at a W [Re: Roofus]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Jorge,

I watched you throughout the weekend at various times and I was always amazed at the positive energy you put forth. It made it possible for a lot of people, myself included, to participate fully in the weekend.

I'm still processing the weekend myself, but I wanted to tell you that. I'll write more about my experience later.

Take care,
Dwayne


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#215099 - 04/03/08 02:21 PM Re: So this is the story of what can happen at a W [Re: Dewey2k]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Allen,

You did GREAT my friend. I could tell how hard you worked to stay present and in the moment. Don't think for a minute that anyone in group thought it was easy for you to speak there... but as was said above, YOU STAYED! Keep in touch, buddy. Keep reaching out. You aren't alone any longer.

Dwayne


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#215113 - 04/03/08 02:44 PM Re: So this is the story of what can happen at a WoR [Re: JorgeR]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Jorge,

It is so empowering to listen to waht you have said.

I think that stories like yours heal other men, and me personally.

I also think that someday I shall attend a WoR and see what happens to me.

Thank you.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#215414 - 04/04/08 07:24 PM Re: So this is the story of what can happen at a W [Re: alexey]
JorgeR Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Santa Cruz, CA, USA
Alexey,

It will be a really cool day when WoR's are available to you in your country...but if you don't want to wait until then, I hope you can get to one over here!

Peace & Joy,
Jorge

_________________________
I found my little boy at Alta 2007...I spoke the unspeakable shame at Sequoia 2008...I learned to flounder at Alta 2009

What breakthrough can YOU have at a Weekend of Recovery?

** talk to me about WoRs or BoD or Committees **

Top
#215429 - 04/04/08 08:54 PM Re: So this is the story of what can happen at a W [Re: JorgeR]
ObiWan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/08
Posts: 35
Loc: Florida, USA
Hey, Jorge,

As it happens, my wife and I were watching the Bird Cage again last night, and I couldn't help but think of your "Twila! Twila! Twila!" during shame busting. I had so much FUN doing that, and I am so pleased that you did too (which was evident!) More importantly, I am so pleased that you had a chance to re-empower yourself after all the years of shame and hiding and broken dreams. Nothing has been more powerful healing in my entire life than this WOR, and I will treasure it, and the new friends I have made, always! Rock on!

Your Brother in Recovery,

Jeff in FL

_________________________
WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008
WOR Alumni Alta Sept. 2008
My whole life has changed in the past year...
divorced, but have begun living again
and trying to thrive...


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