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#214557 - 04/01/08 04:02 AM So this is the story of what can happen at a WoR
JorgeR Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Santa Cruz, CA, USA
Hey guys...this is long, but please indulge...I think you will realize it is worth it.

I'm just back from Sequoia 2008 WoR...and as I have stated at the beginning of each of the two WoRs I have attended, I was hoping for a breakthrough in something I had no idea I needed a breakthrough in.

I knew I was living out of shame...my therapist points it out every time I do or say something that indicates it, and I even have started to occassionally notice when I do it myself...but that was not the issue on my mind when I arrived at Sequoia.

I've been thinking about how I watch myself not stand up for myself, and not defend myself, and do nothing to stop it...

And I've been thinking about how I am still terrified most of the time to have sex with my partner, because I'm afraid he's going to do something that will hurt me and not realize he's doing it, and I'm going to let him do it anyway, because I don't want him to be hurt again because he feels like I don't want to have sex with him, which hits at his own self esteem...

And how I am really close to getting angry with my mother, because she practically disowned my adopted brother last week, not to mention let men manipulate her to get to me...and already on the verge of being angry with my father, for abandoning me and sentencing me to being preyed on by abusers...being close and on the verge is pretty good for the guy who does not get angry.

Yeah...I thought those were some of the things my Sequoia Weekend would be about...oh, NO, said the universe...that was not it...

I knew something was up when not 5 minutes into our first small group, my heart started hurting...which I learned in Alta meant that my little boy had something to say that I have been suppressing for a long time...but when I searched my mind, I could not come up with anything that seem to satisfy him as being the right thing.

I know I've been the guy who doesn't express/have emotions, especially as it relates to my abuse, all my life...when I told my story at Alta, despite the fact that I listened to 6 other guys first and got physically ill from the emotional overload I took in, I still gave a rendition of my story that was little more than a slightly tearful weather report...but the net result was, later that day, I met my little boy...and man, did that exilarate me...that and 4 other smaller breakthroughs made that a weekend I'll never forget (some of you probably read my post about that).

Well, this time, I did the same thing...I listened to the 6 other guys...allowing myself to connect to my own emotions, by connecting to their emotions, as we all listened to each others' stories...and then something strange happened...

As the last guy before me finished, I just blurted out "I wish I had the strength I heard in your voice"...and then several other people gave feedback, etc...

As I prepared to start, I didn't know what I was going to say...but as I started, I suddenly became incredibly focused, and suddenly felt some power surge through me...and as I told my story, I focused on the specific details that made me the broken, emotionless, shamed little boy that I have been for a long time...I saw every detail with such clarity and connected so powerfully to how I felt about each and every thing I said, that as I was near the end, and I heard the timer say "You need to wrap up", I blubbered though my raging emotions, "I have only one more thing I have to say"...she reassured me that I had time...and I spoke the unspeakable shame that has been keeping me down and keeping me coming from that shameful place...but I didn't just say the words, I felt the hurt and the sorrow, and yes, the burning shame, in a way that so overwhelmed me, I thought I was going to pass out or explode...and finally...yes, finally, the unspeakable shame has no where to hide anymore.

I am sure you had to be there to feel the full impact of it, but trust me that room was not big enough for the emotion that raged out of me.

It took a few minutes for the facilitator to talk me down...but when he did, I never felt so strong or powerful in my whole life, and I want to acknowledge my small group members for that gift...John, Chris, Andy, Tony, Ken and Bill; not to mention our facilitators, Sandi and Bill...I can never say thank you enough.

The lesson learned hear is:

Dare to wish for what you need...you might just actually just get it.

Peace and Joy,
Jorge

_________________________
I found my little boy at Alta 2007...I spoke the unspeakable shame at Sequoia 2008...I learned to flounder at Alta 2009

What breakthrough can YOU have at a Weekend of Recovery?

** talk to me about WoRs or BoD or Committees **

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#214559 - 04/01/08 05:31 AM Re: So this is the story of what can happen at a WoR [Re: JorgeR]
USFbull Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/30/08
Posts: 92
Loc: Florida
Good for you man, thats awesome. I'm really happy for you. I'm hoping to go on a weekend retreat at somepoint, just have to get that money stashed away.

_________________________
Neither fear nor courage saves us.
Unnatural vices Are fathered by our heroism.
Virtues Are forced upon us by our impudent crimes.
These tears are shaken from
the wrath-bearing tree.
~T.S. Eliot~

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#214563 - 04/01/08 05:44 AM Re: So this is the story of what can happen at a W [Re: USFbull]
JorgeR Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Santa Cruz, CA, USA
USFBull,

They have scholarships...we work hard to make sure that no man gets turned away due to lack of financial resources...if you want to go, please apply! Please!

Peace,
Jorge

_________________________
I found my little boy at Alta 2007...I spoke the unspeakable shame at Sequoia 2008...I learned to flounder at Alta 2009

What breakthrough can YOU have at a Weekend of Recovery?

** talk to me about WoRs or BoD or Committees **

Top
#214567 - 04/01/08 05:51 AM Re: So this is the story of what can happen at a W [Re: JorgeR]
USFbull Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/30/08
Posts: 92
Loc: Florida
I'm getting a 200$ tax return so that should help, but for non-members I think its somewhere in the 700$ range plus transit costs. My goal is around 500$. But I will be applying for a scholarship.

_________________________
Neither fear nor courage saves us.
Unnatural vices Are fathered by our heroism.
Virtues Are forced upon us by our impudent crimes.
These tears are shaken from
the wrath-bearing tree.
~T.S. Eliot~

Top
#214570 - 04/01/08 05:59 AM Re: So this is the story of what can happen at a W [Re: JorgeR]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
I looked at the possibility of one day going to a WOR, conference or one of the many meetings held for survivors in the US, but upon looking at the rules for entry to the US.
I found that because i have two convictions for drug use and possession, been in prison, been sectioned and been convicted for several petty offences.
This is a no no for me, because of this i would never be able to enter the US.

So any help these could give me are shut off from me for good, you are so very fortunate to have these resource's, so i agree. if you want to go, please apply.

Ben


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#214571 - 04/01/08 06:04 AM Re: So this is the story of what can happen at a W [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
USFbull Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/30/08
Posts: 92
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: SEVEN ARROWS
I looked at the possibility of one day going to a WOR, conference or one of the many meetings held for survivors in the US, but upon looking at the rules for entry to the US.
I found that because i have two convictions for drug use and possession, been in prison, been sectioned and been convicted for several petty offences.
This is a no no for me, because of this i would never be able to enter the US.

So any help these could give me are shut off from me for good, you are so very fortunate to have these resource's, so i agree. if you want to go, please apply.

Ben


Sorry to hear about that Ben. Hopefully there is something out there for you. Your location hits home for me though. I grew up in a military family, half my family on my mothers side is english, she was born in raised in liverpool. Thats where my perp is at. How irrelevant that may be, hopefully you can find something out there.

_________________________
Neither fear nor courage saves us.
Unnatural vices Are fathered by our heroism.
Virtues Are forced upon us by our impudent crimes.
These tears are shaken from
the wrath-bearing tree.
~T.S. Eliot~

Top
#214581 - 04/01/08 08:36 AM Re: So this is the story of what can happen at a W [Re: USFbull]
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
Jorge,

Reading this makes me real happy for you. It is time you get what you dare to wish for. I hope you get the opportunity to deal with your family issues in a positive way, also.

One day I may go to a WoR. I am so afraid for some reason. I tend to live in denial. Going to a WoR would mean acknowledging a lot of things I have kept secret for decades. One day...


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#214584 - 04/01/08 08:44 AM Re: So this is the story of what can happen at a W [Re: FLRich]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Jorge, I too was at WoR this last weekend and I know EXACTLY what you mean. It will take me a day or two to process and express it but I will. My heart is still just to full at the moment. Thank you for sharing this.


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#214610 - 04/01/08 11:05 AM Re: So this is the story of what can happen at a W [Re: Freedom49]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Jorge,

I will soon also post my reflections and awesome experiences at the WoR.

I just couldn't be happier for you. Your story was profound. I was so moved as were all the rest of our group. I was honored to be there with you. The experiences and revelations I received this past week will be in my mind forever. I am truly a better person than I was just a few days ago.

Miracles really do happen!!!!!

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#214612 - 04/01/08 11:08 AM Re: So this is the story of what can happen at a W [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
JorgeR Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Santa Cruz, CA, USA
Ben,

I know this is a stretch (the whole all under the crown the thing)...can you go to Cananda? There will be one there in November.

Peace,
Jorge

_________________________
I found my little boy at Alta 2007...I spoke the unspeakable shame at Sequoia 2008...I learned to flounder at Alta 2009

What breakthrough can YOU have at a Weekend of Recovery?

** talk to me about WoRs or BoD or Committees **

Top
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