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#214540 - 04/01/08 12:51 AM I am so lost
USFbull Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/30/08
Posts: 92
Loc: Florida
pretty much. I am 18 years old and my life to this date has been a huge train wreck. Everyone tells me I'm this once in a lifetime genius that could go out into the world and do amazing things. But here I am barely getting out of bed in the morning. I just have so much guilt associated with who I am, what I am is more appropriate. While I have never harmed anyone in an inappropriate manner, I still feel as if I'm some sort of damaged goods, I'm a smile, but beneath just lays a horrific monster. I don't know if I'll ever have a future, I mean is there even a woman out there who would put up with me? I've been in two serious relationships, been cheated on in both, and to quote some random song I just guess I cant get away from emotional abuse. I'm in a relationship now (the second serious one) and the girl just jerks me around on a string, and the moment I attempt to assert myself I'm an asshole jerk egomanical power controlling insensitive freak of humanity. I'm miserable with her, but I'm terrified to leave her for the horrific fear of being alone. I'm just treading water guys trying to stay afloat. My parents have gone on and on about how money is tight and how they cant afford to help me with a car so I can go off-campus to see a decent therapist, or how they can't afford this or that. Talked to my dad a little while ago, my mom has booked them on a wek long vacation to sedonna arizona, a belated honeymoon. So while they are sipping wine on the edge of the gorgeous grand canyon I'm going to be stuck at home once i go home in may. I hate everything about myself,and our society. Don't get me started on that. Don't get me started on the American Society where a perp gets protective custody in prison. I'm just really fed up with a lot of things in my life and I just don't have the strength to change them, just to endure them. That I will do for now.

_________________________
Neither fear nor courage saves us.
Unnatural vices Are fathered by our heroism.
Virtues Are forced upon us by our impudent crimes.
These tears are shaken from
the wrath-bearing tree.
~T.S. Eliot~

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#214546 - 04/01/08 02:03 AM Re: I am so lost [Re: USFbull]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
USFbull,
I am really sad that your feeling this way about yourself. You are not alone in this and there is help. A therapist would be a good idea and your college may offer some counseling for free. There are other options on the home page here also for possible support groups in your area that could help with advice and counseling.

You need to know that what happened to you was bad but what happened to you is different from who you are or who you feel like you are. When your depressed and feeling down like this you may feel like that depression is justified in your mind but because of the chemical changes in your brain when your depressed you will be unable to see clearly the aspects of your life that others can see so well. It gives you a huge blind spot. Don't do anything rash or make any major decisions while your in this mode. Get help, Get around people. Do not isolate yourself that will olny make the feeling worse. You will have a tendancy to withdraw from friends, family, and public in general but don't do that.

Come here and post like you did. Share your thoughts, spill you guts, rant, rave, vent what ever you want to do but STAY CONNECTED. It is your life line to reality. Thanks for being here and if I haven't already welcomed you I do now my friend.

You are not alone.


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#214560 - 04/01/08 05:32 AM Re: I am so lost [Re: Freedom49]
USFbull Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/30/08
Posts: 92
Loc: Florida
Thanks I really appreciate the advice. I'm doing my best to combat a lot of things in my life, and although its maybe been 36 hours since I joined I really feel like this is helping. Thanks so so so much.

_________________________
Neither fear nor courage saves us.
Unnatural vices Are fathered by our heroism.
Virtues Are forced upon us by our impudent crimes.
These tears are shaken from
the wrath-bearing tree.
~T.S. Eliot~

Top
#214562 - 04/01/08 05:42 AM Re: I am so lost [Re: USFbull]
JorgeR Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Santa Cruz, CA, USA
USFBull,

Trust me, there are other young guys like you out there who are struggling as mightily as you are...I met an 18yo at Sequoia this weekend, and one of my 21yo buddies that I met at the Intnl Conf in NY last Oct was there too...but then...we are all still just little boys aren't we?

You are not alone. We are here...you are not alone. I know the Tampa area (assuming you are at USF?) has some resources, dig around and see what you can find or ask for help on the board.

Peace & Joy,
Jorge

_________________________
I found my little boy at Alta 2007...I spoke the unspeakable shame at Sequoia 2008...I learned to flounder at Alta 2009

What breakthrough can YOU have at a Weekend of Recovery?

** talk to me about WoRs or BoD or Committees **

Top
#214568 - 04/01/08 05:54 AM Re: I am so lost [Re: JorgeR]
USFbull Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/30/08
Posts: 92
Loc: Florida
Thanks Jorge, I'm at USF yes, but I don't have a car. So I don't know. I move back home to Melbourne in a month. The school counseling is bare bones, my shrink hardly spoke English and my counselor just didnt click with me, wanted to treat the symptoms not the disease kinda things. Thanks once again though.

_________________________
Neither fear nor courage saves us.
Unnatural vices Are fathered by our heroism.
Virtues Are forced upon us by our impudent crimes.
These tears are shaken from
the wrath-bearing tree.
~T.S. Eliot~

Top
#214572 - 04/01/08 06:05 AM Re: I am so lost [Re: USFbull]
dking777 Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 94
Loc: CA
Originally Posted By: USFbull
I'm a smile, but beneath just lays a horrific monster.


I like the title of your post. "I am so lost."





Edited by dking777 (10/25/09 01:11 AM)
_________________________
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

Bittersweet Symphony

Top
#214573 - 04/01/08 06:08 AM Re: I am so lost [Re: dking777]
USFbull Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/30/08
Posts: 92
Loc: Florida
I don't even know what to say DK, you have left me speechless, thank you so so so much. I hope I can, I hope I can so very much. Thank you.

_________________________
Neither fear nor courage saves us.
Unnatural vices Are fathered by our heroism.
Virtues Are forced upon us by our impudent crimes.
These tears are shaken from
the wrath-bearing tree.
~T.S. Eliot~

Top
#214576 - 04/01/08 07:00 AM Re: I am so lost [Re: USFbull]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
USFBull-
It helps me to remind myself of a few things, when i get to feeling like you express (and trust me, what you describe isn't a state of mind strange to me)-
we often have a feeling that being assertive is the same thing as being controlling or dominant, and can view any relationship in very back-or-white terms; it doesn't take much to feel as if expressing yourself adequately is impossible or pointless, so we don't even bother to try; i've had days where i'd fervently wish for some massive asteroid impact to occur, because i was just so disgusted with everything, including myself. I've had almost twice as long as you to wear big negative ruts into my brain- seeing the worst side of anything can be as natural as breathing to part of me. But 99% of the time, it doesn't help me- all it does is keep me stuck, cursing my life, and the world in general. Feeling depressed, or angry, or frustrated, is a natural part of life, but i fight to remember that's not the sum total of things, and there's bound to be times of joy as well as sorrow in the years ahead, as long as i stick around long enough without shooting myself in the foot on the way ;-)

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#214580 - 04/01/08 07:57 AM Re: I am so lost [Re: USFbull]
dking777 Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 94
Loc: CA
Originally Posted By: USFbull
I don't even know what to say DK, you have left me speechless, thank you so so so much. I hope I can, I hope I can so very much. Thank you.


deleted



Edited by dking777 (10/25/09 01:10 AM)
_________________________
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

Bittersweet Symphony

Top
#214617 - 04/01/08 11:17 AM Re: I am so lost [Re: dking777]
JorgeR Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Santa Cruz, CA, USA
dking,

I couldn't agree with you more...I found that little guy over there in the left hand column in Alta last Sept...I had to dust him off and clean him up a little, because he has been locked up deep inside me for a long time...but I found him...and I hope you all kind find your little guy, and help him fight past all the shame, all the fear, all the confusion and all the anger to find the sunshine smiling down on him.

Peace & Joy,
Jorge

_________________________
I found my little boy at Alta 2007...I spoke the unspeakable shame at Sequoia 2008...I learned to flounder at Alta 2009

What breakthrough can YOU have at a Weekend of Recovery?

** talk to me about WoRs or BoD or Committees **

Top
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