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#21454 - 09/17/04 12:55 AM Just me thinking
InjunE Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/04/01
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
Well, i still have not been able to see the shrink that specializes in "our" problem. My reason for skipping out on appointments is that I, and I hate to admit this, am too scared. I feel like a little boy taking on a 6th grade bully or something. I know i have problems, some of which I diagnosed online myself. The sheer number of those alone are freaking me out, to be honest. The idea of telling someone about all of it, my past, my current life, the pain and anger, it feels like too much. I am so scared, and that is something i never admit. Not to sound too "macho" or whatever, but I like the violence, and am scared of very little. But this is so scary, I cry when I think about doing it. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

_________________________
Without my sons, I would not be here.

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#21455 - 09/17/04 03:30 AM Re: Just me thinking
Howster Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/16/04
Posts: 28
Well, who wants to enter into all that pain? Not anybody. I guess we get to a point, though, when we have no choice. I heard someone say once that "the only way out is through". Unfortunately. So it will be a painful process at times, but liberating. Please try - you're the only one who can take responsibility for your "stuff". It's an ongoing process, but can be worth more than all the gold in the world, if you can gradually connect with yourself and be able to live more easily in your skin.

Good luck!

Howard


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#21456 - 09/17/04 11:00 AM Re: Just me thinking
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Injun E you said
Quote:
I like the violence, and am scared of very little
That my brother is learned behaviour and it can be redirected into something of benefit. I use working out at the gym, inline skating, hockey, mountainbiking and stuff like that. The pain is there but it is good for me. Reently I discussed violence with my Pdoc. I told him that the lack of violence of the sadistic kind in my life is missing but not missed, but........ if I were a horse it would be like a burr under the saddle, just there and sometimes prickly. He showed me that it was because I have chosen, wisely I might add, to not go there anymore and it is a residual feeling of deprivation. I love peanut butter but am now alergic to it. Ergo it is dangerous for me but ok it tasted so nice.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#21457 - 09/17/04 12:04 PM Re: Just me thinking
Dan88 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/02
Posts: 247
Loc: DC
I used to run through the housing projects in the city where I lived at one and two in the morning, right past street corners where people were shooting at each other regularly. Over in the park, you could see clusters of gang members hanging in the shadows under the dark streetlights that they had intentionally put out. Sometimes they would just stare at me -- the fucking nut running down the middle of the street, obviously so stupid he wasn't worth doing anything about. It was one of the many ways I used to just flip my finger to the world and dare anyone to mess with me. But it took me to age 38 to work up the guts to drive for half an hour to a warm and friendly suburb to go see a therapist for the first time and talk about being abused as a child.

I got the name of a specialist from Mike Lew's office and then did nothing with it for over two years. I'd occasionally chat online about being a survivor, and people would promise me that I would be better off if I saw a therapist. But what they said never convinced me, at least not immediately. I kept reading books and trying different exercises and trying to work through the issues myself. I put the therapist's office number in my wallet and walked around with it. One winter day, I made the call and set up an appointment. I don't know what made the difference between one day when I was too afraid and the next day when I was just unafraid enough to call.

I encourage you to call. I do think it will help. It has helped me. But I imagine it won't matter. Just hang onto the name and when you're feeling strong enough, go for it.


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#21458 - 09/17/04 03:06 PM Re: Just me thinking
Kenn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/10/04
Posts: 146
Loc: Toronto, Canada
I postponed the start of my healing process.

I drank like a pig.

Then, just as I was open to starting the work (and I stopped drinking), along came a more immediate health crisis.

It has taken me another 15 years to begin again. The pain did not go away in those years. I did not get a chance to try new ways of reacting to things. In some ways, the most intimate ways, I got further and further away from a relationship with myself and anyone else.

Now, with the benefit of experience, I wish I had dealt with this sooner. But it's better late than never, right?

Kenn

_________________________
"This above all; to thine own self be true."

William Shakespeare, Hamlet

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#21459 - 09/17/04 04:19 PM Re: Just me thinking
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I am not at all surprised, you are so scared.
It is a big jump into the unknown, lets face it though, before you came here, you lived most your life in the unknown.

The feeling of telling a stranger about all this, where do you start? There is so much in there, and there sure is, a massive load of shit, built up over the years.

I haven't done it, but the feeling in here, is that those who did, got some benefit from it, maybe think about it, try it, and see where it goes.

Anything is better than letting this thing strangle you.

take care

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#21460 - 09/17/04 04:41 PM Re: Just me thinking
brokentoys Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/04
Posts: 149
Loc: So. California
I don't know if this is of any help at all or not, but I went to a T for the first time and found I could only tell her that this had happened but just could not give details. She was real good about it and moved on to another area with the intention of moving back to that in a later visit. I went home very disappointed with myself. I knew I had to tell, but I just couldn't! I decided a compromise was in order. I got hold of a spiral bound notebook and started journaling all about my family, what happened before I came along, my birth, after, up until early teen years and then I wrote her a note explaining what I had done. I put it in an envelope and took it to her office. I handed it to the receptionist and asked that it be put in her mailbox. I received it back at group a week ago with a note thanking me and saying that she was looking forward to our next session (next Tuesday). I now feel like it may be easier to talk about because I do not have to fear the initial reaction or anything. I took my time and wrote everything out and made sure I said all i wanted to say. I wrote what happened and how I felt about it. I was extremely blunt and to the point. There was no embarassment at all writing it. I thought I would have a hard time and procrastinated at first, but once I had the pad and pen, the words just flowed. I am now so very happy I did that. I feel like I can walk into our next session with confidence because she knows everything I know. Just a suggestion.

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It's easier to go down a hill than up it but the view is much better at the top.

Arnold Bennet

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#21461 - 09/17/04 07:08 PM Re: Just me thinking
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
'Toys
I did virtually the same thing.

It took me 31 years to disclose to ANYONE, and then I found the phone number of the therapy service.
I carried it around for weeks, spoke to my doctor, and she recommended the same therapy service ( it happens to be the only one around here !)
So I called them.

This was scary stuff, what the hell was I letting myself in for?
But I went, I dragged my sorry arse through the door and sat opposite a man I'd never met before and said "I think I sexually abused as a boy"
And to my utmost surprise the floor didn't open up and swallow me, he didn't leave the room in disgust and I wasn't struck by lightening for being a disgusting pervert.
That was a result then!

In the first sessions I was very reluctant to talk openly or graphically, and he encouraged me to write it down. He didn't ask me to show him what I wrote, but I did.
My writing was certainly open and graphic, and the next week I found that I could discuss these things. Was it easy? no, but it was easier.

Therapist are trained to deal with other peoples crap, they go to their own therapeutic supervision to unload all the shite the clients present to them. As client's we aren't going to shock or disgust a good therapist, they do the job knowing the score from the very start.

Give it a go, there's nothing to fear but fear itself.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#21462 - 09/19/04 04:16 AM Re: Just me thinking
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Beware of online 'self diagnosis'. Remember, you are an expert at yourself and your behavior, but not at diagnosis yourself or your behavior. It is maybe best to leave that to the professional.

As for the fear, I was very afraid of it as well. I do not even remember my first appointment with a therapist. I mentally, was not at all there. I recalled it later in the day, and actually called to apologize for missing the appointment, only to be told, 'well, you were here, or someone was'!

Remember, you are the 'commander of the ship' in terms of therapy. You do not have to talk of anything until YOU are ready to do it. You do not have to talk at all until you are ready (although that would be quite a waste of money, I think). I would suggest you push yourself to go. After that, take it more easy with yourself, but keep going. At some point, you will be able to talk more. But just getting there is the start.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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