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#21442 - 11/19/02 03:31 PM Now that I am home.. A brief intro.
gimp0r Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/19/02
Posts: 8
Loc: dallas,tx
Hello,

Just finding a message board relating to this topic is a relief. I tried to read a lot of the threads but some of them have emotion that was too powerful for me to read in a public place.. my school.

I am a survivor and for the first time, Im starting to feel that I am ok in my weirdness. Reading the "Victims No Longer" book has shown me there are others that feel just as weird and as worthless.

I am now working on the courage to talk bout my story. Only a few people know, hell I dont think my parents fully understand the situation... And it scares me to think I will one day have to tell it all.

The more I will be frequenting this board, the more of the stories I will read and the more I can open up.. It really is hard to actually open up.. I am trying so hard to in college just to have some friends.

As for my nick... It is kinda a double play... I am not a true gimp by any means, but sometimes I feel gimpy.. So it kinda stuck. :p

You guys can call me Charles as I dont wish to remain anon.


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#21443 - 11/19/02 05:20 PM Re: Now that I am home.. A brief intro.
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Welcome Charles,
I wish that I could say hello to you under better reasons. I've been where you are, just getting up the courage to tell anyone my story. My wife knew a little of it but not even she knew to what extent or how deep. When you are ready to share you will. For now just know we are to help anyway we can. Even its for a hug, or just some one to show you the tee-shirt they have from being there done that. As for telling your story, well there are only 5 who know mine, my wife, my theryiapest, and 2 people that I will call my best friends in the whole world. People that hang out with me just for me, no expections. And Charles I'm telling about my best fiends because I found them here.

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#21444 - 11/19/02 07:46 PM Re: Now that I am home.. A brief intro.
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Charles
I replied to your other post, but I hated the thought of calling you gimpOr, so weclome once again - Charles.

That does sound better...

Lloydy \:D

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#21445 - 11/19/02 08:11 PM Re: Now that I am home.. A brief intro.
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
;\)

Hi Charles,

It is good to have the chance to get to know you a bit. You will grow to trust folks here. But, be patient, do what you want when you want. This is a safe place and a very caring place.

Congratulations for working on this as a young man. I waited 40 or 45 years to break the silence. Now, no one can shut me up.

Take care Lad.

Peace to you.

Bob

P.S. I sent you a PM too.

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#21446 - 11/19/02 10:56 PM Re: Now that I am home.. A brief intro.
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Hey Charles!

I read your brief intro and I can relate to many of your words. I just recently graduated from college. Up until my last year I didn't really make any truely good friends. But I was bound and determined to have a good time before I graduated. And I did. I went out and met some great people and certainly enjoyed happy hour on Friday afternoon. Well, Friday afternoon and all the other afternoons that we would enjoy ourselves. So the point is go out and enjoy college. It's a great time. I just wished I didn't squander my earl college years.

What's interesting with my nick name is that it was coined by those same friends. I couldn't hold my alcohol and I would always be the first one to leave the social group. So they started to call me sleepy. But it goes deeper, really. I've always had a hard time relating to people and when you are in a social setting kind of isolated it is only natural to want to go to sleep or to bed. It's only now I realize why I would want to go to sleep. I think I brought this up so that everyone here would know my story a little better.

But, again, go out and enjoy college. It's the best time to take care of this. Your university should have some sort of support services for fairly cheap. Take advantage of it! Plus it will give you the chance to meet and interact with people. That is what's great about colleges and universities. They give you the structure to grow and become the person you were ment to be.
Take care,
mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#21447 - 11/19/02 11:46 PM Re: Now that I am home.. A brief intro.
Ken Followell Offline
President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 990
Loc: Bradenton, FL
Charles,

Welcome to our site. Stop by the chatroom some time and get to know us there as well.

Ken

_________________________
Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

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#21448 - 11/20/02 01:39 AM Re: Now that I am home.. A brief intro.
gimp0r Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/19/02
Posts: 8
Loc: dallas,tx
I want to thank you all for the wonderfully warm welcome.

Today was a very strange day for me, in a good way of course! Feeling brave and risky... After finding you guys and this awesome website... I took the chance and told someone new about what had happened to me.

My choice this time is a girl that I am close with. She is taken (DOH), but it is also nice because I feel that sexuality cannot get in the way of me being her friend.

I told her without getting into details that my oldest brother (my half-brother really) sexually molested me and my other half brother. I dont remember many things, I do have this one glaring incident where I had to perform fellatio for him. I remember looking up to my oldest brother, even afterwards, but I knew something was wrong.

I remember the horrible incident of him ejaculating onto me and me terrified running to the bathroom to cleanse myself.

I dont remember too terribly much... Hell I dont know if I would like to. I still feel ashamed about it today.

I realize, and I try to empower myself knowing that I was so young and had no idea what I was doing... As well as I thought I was making my brother happy. I have actively seeked trying to NOT avoid males and try to make some friends.

Ugh, my whole story bout the great day derailed. My apologies... At any rate, when I told her, she didnt freak out or anything. She actually sympathized and said how she was proud of me for trying to work through this.

The rest of the day we hung out ate pizza, went into victoria secret (DROOL), and just in general had a blast.

It was just very relieving to tell someone and have the burden off my shoulders for a moment and for them to still accept me.

I hope to tell my dad and mother soon. I think they know, but I dont know how much they do. My dad acts as if it was something I should have forgotten... All of you and I know that if we could just forget this kinda shit happened... How easy our lives would be... So at any rate, it is my goal to work up the strength and tell him and see how much he knew or pretended to understand about his only real son.

I have written a lot. my apologies, it is just so easy to talk when you have something inside you have wanted to talk bout but noone around to listen... Anyways you all have a good night. I did tonight \:\)

Thanks for the ears,
Charles


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#21449 - 11/20/02 11:50 PM Re: Now that I am home.. A brief intro.
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Charles,
Thanks for the reply to my dependancy post. I'm posting here because I don't feel like posting twice. Having those feelings are very demoralizing. Everyone wants to be independant but when you can't it really zaps your self-esteem. But for the past month and as I've began to address my issues I've felt a lot better about myself. Things are looking up.

I laughed when I saw that you had to go to Victoria Secret. When I unloaded my problems on one of my friends she dragged me to the mall so that she could go there. I didn't mind because getting all that off my back finally made me very relaxed.

I hope you've thought it through about telling your family. I don't know your family dynamic and your brother's relationship to the family but telling them could really upset everyone. It's kind of like coming out of the closet. I hope you have a good support structure when you do tell. You might need it. Just a thought.
Catch ya later,
mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#21450 - 11/21/02 07:40 PM Re: Now that I am home.. A brief intro.
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Charles
disclosing is so powerful, suddenly we realise we haven't got horns and a label on our heads saying 'VICTIM'
And we usually get it right when we choose who to disclose to as well, our judgement of others must still work I guess ?

But do be carefull about telling your family, it has to be YOUR decision, and as Mike says - it could be very disruptive.
If you do make sure you have support to back you up, if neccesary somewhere to retreat to for a few days.
If you can consider their support, are your parents close to their brothers and sisters or friends, can they talk ?
I know that's not entirely your responsibility, and it's nothing that can easily be planned, especially as the "right moment" often just happens without warning.

Look after yourself first and foremost.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#21451 - 11/21/02 10:04 PM Re: Now that I am home.. A brief intro.
gimp0r Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/19/02
Posts: 8
Loc: dallas,tx
You guys are right.

The more I think about it, the less I want to tell them.

The issue that burns me to this day is that my father assumes that this was just something so small and insignificant that I "should have forgotten it because I was so young". It is like he doesnt even know what happened... I mean if he did, maybe he wouldnt say such a stupid thing.

Grrrr!!


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