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#214410 - 03/31/08 03:58 PM Just venting....HALT time again.
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Woke up this morning numb/content, but slammed into feeling hurt, angry, lonely, tired - the legendary HALT. Havenít really posted about myself in a while, but I wanted to talk about it.

Hurt: Running on the treadmill at lunch, Linkin Parkís Meteora in my ears, CNN on a screen in front of the room. There was a story about the healing of a dog that had been thrown off an overpass. The dog seemed to be recovering, but its head was in a funnel, its jaw wired, and its eyes seemed sad and bewildered, like it was wondering how this could have happened. Someone was comforting it, rubbing its face, but nothing changed in its expression. And yeah, this image would rip anyoneís heart out, but I remember asking what part of me I was seeing in that dogís eyes. I was gritting my teeth, thinking, ďDonít sob. Not here!Ē I remember bits of the songs that kept on playing, but otherwise, it was suddenly half an hour later, and the treadmill was finishing its program. No idea where my mind went.

Angry: Lunch with my aunt yesterday, discussing the agendas weíll all bring to our family vacation in Scottsdale next month. Iím going because my mother played the ďthis is the last chance we may ever get to do thisĒ card, and I didnít have the balls to say, ďgood.Ē There will be five of us, plus all of our angriest inner children. My grandmother abandoned my mother and aunt when they were five and two, respectively, and who knows what ghouls lie in her pastÖ I donít want to be there pretending Iím the one with the easy life. I donít want to have to withdraw, and I donít want to get pushed into a contest of whoís in more pain. Iím lying to myself: ďMaybe itíll be fun this time.Ē But Iím furious that I bought tickets in January and basically paid for four months of dreading this.

Lonely: Iíve gotten really close to a guy, sexually and in friendship, but heís unavailable for anything more than we have. I always knew that, probably chose him for that, as I have many times before. I would probably have run screaming if he were ready and willing. But for a moment, I forgot and just basked in being close. Now, from the safety of his unavailability, I have to face the fact that I got exactly what I asked for. Space. Freedom. Control. The issue isnít himóitís me. I want more than my fears will ever let me have. Iím single and must still do the work, the hard work, of becoming genuinely available.

Tired: Working harder but better than I ever haveógetting lots of approval and believing it. But Iím starting to not have energy for friendsóstarting not to post here very much or respond to people I want to share with. Neglecting my inner child (which is why he comes to haunt me in the form of a hurt dog on TV while Iím running.) I feel good most of the time these days, but not contentÖmore busy and buzzed than happy. Thereís got to be more to healing than keeping those messy painful feelings out of the office. (Where every day is ďDonít Take Your Inner Child to Work DayĒ!) Just want to fall into someoneís lap and cry and then sleep for a few days.

Iím babbling. Bottom line: just need to vent. Thanks for being here.

David


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#214436 - 03/31/08 06:42 PM Re: Just venting....HALT time again. [Re: MemoryVault]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1928
Loc: durham, north england
Hi David.

Please vent away, I've been feeling a bit halt myself over the passed two days, ---- though I've wranted about that elsewhere. Strangely enough, the You are not alone message is quite comforting at these points, ---- and as i've just written a letter to ****, the canadian girl who ended my illusions, the unavailable issue really hits me at the moment as you'll remember. I've been considdering my interactions with others and my perception of gender, ---- bbut I'll save that for another time.

I really and sincerely hope you can start feeling better about things and break out of that cycle, at the moment I think I can absolutely empathise with what your feeling, ---- though the way you know yourself and can understand things in perspective is something I really admire.


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#214470 - 03/31/08 09:08 PM Re: Just venting....HALT time again. [Re: dark empathy]
VLinvictus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
Hi, David,

Please feel free to continue to vent -- it feels great, doesn't it, just to let it out?

I've just returned from half an hour on the treadmill with Meteora in my ear, and I hope you won't mind some feedback.

First, I learned this acronym as Hungry Angry Lonely and Tired -- that might explain quite a bit of my pathology \:\)

It's not hard to understand your reaction to the dog. One doesn't need a degree in Psychology from Armchair U to figure out that you are identifying with that dog. Like the dog, you've been hurt. Like the dog, you still aren't sure how to react to the situation. But like the dog, you will recover and will romp and play and sniff other dogs' behinds...oops. Best not go there! \:\)

I can certainly both empathize and sympathize with your apprehensions of Scottsdale -- as you were able to help me through my dread of visiting my mom back in January. It's going to be tough, but you're strong and you've got good friends here who will be more than happy to keep in touch with you. First, disabuse yourself of the notion that "this time it will be fun." It never is. Insanity, as they say, is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. If go in expecting it not to be fun, you might be surprised if you actually manage to have some enjoyable moments. That you are going is a testament to your character, so you might look at it as a showing that you are good person who honors his commitments and obligations (family is one connection we can't get rid off -- well, we can, but it's generally illegal in most states). You don't have to get involved in their drama nor do you have to deny your own feelings. Rather than being withdrawn through the entire experience, try being present in as large a dose as you can comfortably tolerate and then take a break when you need to. I assume you won't be on lockdown in a compound or, like me, in a geriatric trailer park surrounded by nothing but churches and liquor stores. Get out when you need to -- but be aware if you feel the urge to do something just to escape. Keep your phone charged and ready and use it.

Lonely. Well, I could say a lot on this topic, but I'll say two things. First, be grateful for the relationship you have with the guy as it is. Happiness and love and affection are precious wherever we find them -- and they are rare indeed. Maybe things aren't perfect now, but life isn't perfect. Be grateful for the flowers amid the weeds and thorns.

I'm more concrned about the last line, the bit about becoming "genuinely available." Available for what? That is a very important question.

Taking a few days to sleep and decompress might not be a bad idea.

Just know, David, that there are people who love you very much and are always here to help you.

Have a good night,

Dan

_________________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

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