This is not a new topic, I have heard differing versions of it on this site, but I have to get this out or I will never be able to feel comfortable here.

I love to express myself in painting and in verse, it seems to be the best mirror for me to understand myself and that is what brought me to this site in the first place, I was looking on the internet to find a place that would accept poetry for critique and just happened on this site and found that it had a poetry forum, hooray I thought, then I got involved with reading and posting in the different forums and had many moments of feeling elated and as many feeling rejected.

As I read the bantering and responses between the people here and responded myself I kept getting the feeling that I was invading a club where everyone knew each other and were patronizing my intrusion. I know that I feel that in any social situation so this should not be any different but I keep thinking that I shouldn’t feel this way with a group of men that had experienced similar things in their lives.

Back when I first started dealing with the idea that a lot of my insecurities where cause by my CSA I sought out homosexuals, not for the sexual aspect but because they were the group with the most potential for having experienced CSA and I desperatly wanted to talk about it. When I saw backstabbing behaviors and hurting gossip I questioned why “brothers” would want to hurt each other when the rest of the world was causing so much pain focused on them for their lifestyle. I was disillusioned.

But I was also being idealistic in thinking that oppressed groups would support each other no matter what. All I had to do was look around me, black men are most often the victims of black crime, homosexuals are often emotionally vicious towards each other, etc., etc.

When I first came onboard I didn’t want to commit to a membership so I donated. More recently my paranoia told me that it was members who were in the club and maybe it was my lack of membership that was causing me to feel the rejection. So I joined.

This long read comes down to a basic question… does anyone have words that can help overcome the feeling that people are looking at my posts and saying” God not him again.
He’s such a bore and says the most irrelevant things. Let’s just ignore him and maybe he’ll go away.

As I write this I am realizing that this is my character, the one I have been moving around the world in, and I’m wondering just how far I’ve really come in my 25 years of dealing with recovery. I WANT A WORD THAT WILL SNAP MY THOUGHTS AND SAY AHA, THAT’S IT. I’M FINALLY ONE OF THEM

questioning oneself, yup you're one of us. It's only recently I've come to feel accepted and yet I still feel like I'm on the outside looking in sometimes. I think this is the little us talking, I know I thought I was only acceptable for only one thing and there doesn't appear to be any of that going on here, so why would I be accepted?

Time is what did it for me, and learning, that like the world, this place is just as diverse as "out there", of course we will have clashes. The tipping point is the respect we all have for one another.

I've never seen a lack of respect from the Brothers here, maybe some disagreements but usually that can be chalked up to miscommunication and emotional explosions, not really that odd considering.

I was triggered just the other day in chat from a person I consider myself pretty close to and comfortable with, little Mikey still rears his head now and then. Turned out to be nothing what I thought it was.

Stay strong
Mike

My heart of hearts tells me that you are right, sometimes,(most of the time) I think I'm ok with it all but as I look back at it I think it's more being resigned to being the one always watching the party through the window.

Even when I'm invited in I figure I'm being patronized or pitied, I guess I'm creating a lose - lose situation. If someone appproaches me I figure it's either because they are into sexual exploitatiion or they are flawed and figure I'm flawed enough to relate to them. I've been in one male group about 15 years ago and it was the only time I felt like a peer.

Reading you guys posts is comforting and I get a lot of good feedback but your safe in that I will never have to test my intimate abilities with you.

I have said to my wife more than a couple of times that I was not coming back on the site but have always come back when I realize how adolescent those emotions are. I want to grow up before I die!!! I guess this is the best place for that possibility.

Sometimes I pretend I'm healed!!!! It eliminates the need for more work. :-) Then sometihing like this comes up.

Thanks for the response Mike I do feel better.

As of now you've made 215 posts. I think we are all getting to know you at the normal rate around here. You gotta look at the nature of this site. Its full of pain and clouds of confusion.

I don't feel you can jump to any conclusion about acceptance by what you read here. Sounds strange...but I think its true.

I think you nearly have to do what you just did....namely, ask the question.

Yes, I for one look at dancr6 as a true member and key component of this community.

Thanks Robbie, I have these fears that I think should be gone by now and truthfully a lot are but others seem to linger or more precisely get stuck in a loop.

I hope someday to feel like a true member but rather than give the pat answer I will try to just let the feelings flow. If any of my words aeem malicious be assured, that will never be my intention.

Dan

I think that to come here, it is much as the 'new child in school' feelings. You do come into here with people who is 'older' (in how long they been here), and who do know each other better. It is just to take time to get to know people more, and to interact with people more. You learn more of who you feel closer to, of who you feel you think similar to, of who even irritates you.

but I will say, I been here 4 years, and sometime I feel still I am 'new kid', and I do not fit in sometime. It is just nature I guess. But I do not say that to distress you, just so that you know, those feelings still sometime get into someone even who been here a while.

I hope that you are feeling more 'part' and accepted here every day.

andrei

Thanks Andrei, when I read the last line it dawned on me that rather than just stomp off and tell my wife I just found one more place to not belong, I posted the feelings I had so I guess I am "feeling more a part and accepted every day"

I also agree with what you said in your first paragraph;"It is just to take time to get to know people more, and to interact with people more".

I'm glad to have found this site and want to be honest with my thoughts and feelings rather than say what I think will protect me, the way I have done a lot in my life.

I feel honored at the responses.(I am always a little uncomfortable when my T uses "honored") But I think it's genuine.

Thanks,
Dan

Hey,dancr6,..I can really relate! I'm pretty socially paranoid myself. I find myself getting unreasonable expectations regarding replies to my posts...if I don't get more than one reply in two or three days, I start feeling anxious and wonder if I'm being avoided. That effect is really magnified when I post in the stories forum. I know it's totally irrational. There are a million other explanations besides my being rejected, but I know where it comes from.

Feelings from the period of time when I was going through the CSA and no one knowing..that loneliness--it gets triggered so easily and, like you, I'm way too familiar with that feeling of watching the party through the window. Recognizing it for what it is helps a lot, but it still haunts me.

I guess I have been kind of putting the creative forum on the back burner and only going there after I've covered the others but that scares me. Am I absorbing the mindset of my culture that art is less important? I sure hope not. I have read a little of your poetry dandr6, and it's very good! I will try to make more time to check out the creative forum.

Anyway, just wanted to respond because boy can I relate!

I joined back on 10/07 and I still get that feeling, I know I'm not alone about this and as Robbie said its a site "full of pain and clouds of confusion". This is something I have to remember, we all bring our own issues to the table here many are alike, many a different esp. in the way we express ourselves. Sometimes I want to just walk away and never post again but I know this site helps so I keep on posting, reading, learning, healing.

dancr6,
I am probably newer than you and I can relate to those feelings as I came here 12/30/07 and it was a rocky start for me as I felt really out of place. Most of the guys here welcomed me and made me feel like one of the gang and I will never forget it.

I think a lot of what you are feeling does come from being told that as a child verbally or by actions and it stuck pretty good. I can say that I have welcomed you comments and replies and have always thought of you as a member of the "club" here in great standing and apprectiate your perspective on the issues raised here. I really like your poetry and many lines you have written speak directly to me in ways that I find amazing. The commonality of the emotions and thoughts that you have with mine have made me feel so much less of a freak that to lose you would be a personal loss for me. I am GLAD your here. I am glad your you. In short you are one of us, you matter, and I hope you can accept that reality into your heart once and for all and put this question to rest for good. Love ya guy and thanks for posting.