I have it right now. I am almost 30 and right now, I am fearing the dark. It is making sleep very difficult, of course, and is just very much annoyance to me, that this is new problem that come up in this "healing" thing.

The worst of my abuse, it was one man who taken me off the street when I was on street as teenager. My whole time with him, the 2 or 3 days he keep me, it was tied and with blindfold. Not seen anything. It is so much more fear to me, to hear him, to feel him doing things, and not see it. No warning, no knowing what is about to happen. Just dark. So much happened in my home, both my parents was abusive. When I ran off of home, to street, I had done so much bad things, sexual things. But what most fear, was what happen in the dark. I never been afraid of it before, but some reason, right now few days, I can not get away of it. It just feels like the dark, it is heavy, and bad, itself. Is hard to explain. I just want it to go away.

VN

VN - I'm 53 and there are still nights I have to have a light on. I sit in the living room and rock, with the lights on.

It is anoying. I'm thankful right now I have lights I can turn on.

But I want it to stop not too...


M

I have the same problem as you guys even though i can't remember any abuse happening to me at all in the dark. might it be i'm missing there memorys or did ijust, not get abused at night?

Hey VN,
During the course of the last four months - so many missing pieces have fallen in place for me. I am 48 - and for the last 30 years - I had to sleep with a belt and pants on. I still do.

I have had lovers over the years. After doing our thing - I would get up and put pants and a belt on - then go to sleep. This would annoy my lovers. They felt a part of the intimacy was sleeping in the buff together. I couldn't do it to save my life.

If a relative came for a visit -- I coudn't sleep in the dark for weeks to come. I would have to have a bathroom light on after their visit. This would annoy some of my live in lovers. One day we could sleep in the dark and the next week - I would have to have a light on to get any sleep. It was a phobia I couldn't explain.

I never knew how to explain it to any body. I was .... I just had to have it that way to sleep.

Since I have unlocked that hidden closet door in my subconscious -- I know why now. I feel a since of freedom.

From the age of 15 to the age of 18 - my two preps lived in the same house as me. They would sneak into my bedroom at night and try and get their hands on my package. When I was 15 - I took to wearing two pairs of pants - and two belts. I felt by the time they got one undone - I would wake up. I was always afraid my "wet dreams" were being caused by them sneaking into my room at night. I took to sleeping with the bathroom light on during that time. If they turned out the light - I knew I was in for a sneak attack.

It hurt like hell when I was 15
It hurt like hell when I was 16
It hurt like hell when I was 17

I am 48. I think I have the right to laugh about it now. I am past it hurting me anymore. I have been so damn curious to why I could never sleep without a pair of pants and a belt on. I have had so many debates with lovers over the years. Now I wish I could find them all again and explain. I JUST knew there was a logical explaination why I was more comfortable sleeping in a pair of pants and a belt.

From 15 to 18 -- I was always afraid of what may have happened in the dark while I was asleep.

In my dreams - I enjoyed the sensation of "sexual intimacy" within the realm of fantasy. I felt I had the right to that sort of excitment and enjoyment. I didn't want to wake up and find out that "intimate excitment" within my own private world had been violated by someone else's sense of lust. I didn't want someone else's dirty thoughts and deeds to infringe on my own right to seek out a healty expression of my sexuality.

We all have that right.

Getting past it now -- is looking back and recognizing who put that phobia in me - and why.

Knowing where the fear comes from and why - is a method of turning on the light in our own minds. Fear lives in darkness. Once we shed light on our fears - I feel - it is a method to shed light on the truth and that helps eliminate the fear.

After you do that - if your like me -- you can laugh about it and go on with your life.

"Tonight - I think I am going to sleep in my birthday suit. Hahahaha!"

Some one once said - "We have nothing to fear - but fear itself."

I think that statement is very true. Fear has kept us in bondage to our victimization. A part of recovery is letting go of our fears. To do that - we have to find the root of it and pull it out of our thinking process.

My take on it anyway.

Sincerly,
DKing

Maybe talking more about that episode, of that man and his abuse, will take away some the power of it all over you. It seems the things more we keep inside and fear talking of, the more the fear of them becomes sometime. Since this is not been a problem for you before, perhaps there is something about this now that need to be dealt with. ((((hug)))))

andrei