I get you big time. It's such a challenge to get past this thing. But hey, it's trauma - what do you expect? Trauma is really serious stuff. My guess is that you were traumatized pretty bad. It probably only takes about 2 minutes to traumatize an adult for life, maybe 1 minute for a child. I could traumatize a small animal in 30 seconds. Ruin him for life. Trauma messes with memory.
I feel for what you're going through right now. You're very much wanted here with people who've shared your pain.
Man, look, it took me years to accept this was my Father that did this to me. Lots of reasons: He was a caregiver, Father, incest taboos, homosexuality taboos, unwillingness to accept he was a psychopath, mixed signals of love and beatings, blaming me as the family problem, scapegoating...I had REASONS for my denial. You probably had reasons too.
I'm only a few years younger than you. It's just the way it works sometimes and it sucks. PM me if you want, anytime.
I think you belong here because you value truth above all and you carefully want to know what the hell happened to you. You're not reckless with the truth and that makes you a responsible man worthy of friendship with anyone.
Here's a joke I thought you'd appreciate that sort of sums up the CSA memory problem. It speaks to behavior, not the event.
It's a questionnaire.
Do you binge drink at least once a week? Yes
Do you drink after work? Yes. How many drinks? 5
Do you drink at work? Yes
Do you drink before church? Yes
How much alcohol do you buy a week? 100 ounces
Are you an alcoholic? Hell no!
Half pieces of partial memory below the waist? That's sorta how I stared, with just small pieces. Then I gathered more. Looked at pics from childhood. Diaries and journals. Started putting sort of dots on a page. Little facts of life like dots placed all around me. Memory is often a retrieval problem.
Then like one day maybe a few weeks back I connected the dots after 40 years. It can happen to you too.
Belonging is important to you and I'm happy to give you that anytime.