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#213721 - 03/28/08 01:09 PM Emotional Stew
VLinvictus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
Take 2 cups of envy, 2 cups of resentment, 3 teaspons of jealousy, a liberal sprinkling of vulnerability and insecurity and a diced clove of disapointment. Simmer over a medium flame. Keep simmering.

That's how to get my state right now. I need to let this out and I don't know where else to go.

Sex and I, of course, have a tangled and complicated history. On the one hand, I have a natural, healthy, and perhaps overactive sex drive. One the other hand, sex has also been for me a tool for validation, a sign of acceptance and value, a means of escape. Being a shy and closeted youth, attending a small and conservative college, and jumping too soon into an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship, sex has taken on even greater importance to me as I've gotten older. I feel like I'm not having enough, I'm missing out on my quota. Worse, other people are having more sex than I am and are therefore greater in validation, value, affection, and acceptance (IOW, superior) to me and I, therefore, am inferior.

I have a friend whom we'll call Peter. Peter and I have grown very close and care about each other very, very much. The sexual chemistry between us is incredible. He, however, is single and free and I am trapped in this soulless and soul-killing relationship described on my "Couples Counseling" thread. Peter, being free, naturally has a much greater access to sex than I do. He can go out and do whatever he wants whenever he wants; I have to plan and prepare sometimes weeks in advance. I am envious of him.

There is a sex party that is held in a guy's home every 6 weeks or so. Peter and I attended the last party three weeks ago. I had a fantastic time: it was just the kind of validating high that I craved -- because, of course, sex is how other people show that I am worthwhile to them at the moment. I have no self-esteem myself, and thus seek it out from others, often through sex (yes, I know this is unhealthy).

Anyway, the host of the party sent out the date of the next gathering, which I had been looking forward to ever since the last one. Of course, as ever more proof that God and the universe hate me, the next party will be April 19, Passover, which means I can't go due to other obligations.

Worse, I had invited Peter to join me at my other friend's house for the seder. I would have understood if he didn't want to come (it's a long affair and generally doesn't finish up till 1:00 AM) -- but it would also be fun to share the holiday with him. I would have been happy either way.

But now, there's the possibility he might decide to go to the sex party instead.

I'm pissed off at the host for scheduling the party on Passover. I doubt he would have scheduled one for Christmas Eve!

I'm pissed off in general because I can't go.

I'm pissed off at myself for considering ditching the seder in order to go to a sex party.

I'm pissed off at myself for even contemplating such an obviously unhealthy and addictive option.

I'm envious of Peter for his freedom and his ability to go these parties whenever he wants.

I'm envious of Peter because he might go to this party.

I'm jealous of him, too, because I fear that he'll have a better time without me and will find someone better than me and won't want to be my friend anymore. I live in fear all the time of being rejected and abandoned. I've lost too many friends over the years and I'm afraid of it happening again with someone I care so deeply about.

I'm envious of him because I feel this insane need to compete with him. If he has something, I must have it too. If he does something, I must do it too. If he has or does something that I do not have anything to compare to, then he's ahead of me and I'm inferior. I just bought a $100 box set of all 7 seasons of Buffy The F&%cking Vampire Slayer because he just bought one.

Why do I compare myself to him? Because I see his life as better than mine on every single imaginable level. If I can be like him, as much as possible, then maybe my life won't suck as much. Yes, I know how screwed up this is.

Why is life so f&%king complicated?

I just want to f&cking die. Everything in my life turns to shit, and there's no signle god-damned thing I can do about it.

I want to go home and crawl into bed and not get up. Ever.




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#213728 - 03/28/08 01:42 PM Re: Emotional Stew [Re: VLinvictus]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
VL,

Envy is a killer. How much do you know about Peter? Does he have fears and doubts about himself? Does he go to these parties to feel validated too? Outwardly other peoples lives seem so much less complicated than our own so we wish we had lives like theirs seems to be. But the reality is usually much different and much more complicated.

Life is full of tough choices but try not to look at things as either/or, there are a vast number of options. What do you want to do, where do you want to be in ten years? Focus on what you need to do to heal. From your other post you feel powerless and trapped in a relationship. Is this just a way to rebel and tell yourself that you can do anything that you want to, no matter how harmful it could be to your own well-being?

I encourage you to talk this over with your therapist. See if you can bring some meaning to this envy.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#213732 - 03/28/08 01:58 PM Re: Emotional Stew [Re: Stephen_5]
VLinvictus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
Thanks, Steve,

I still feel like crap but putting my feelings into words and sending them out into the electronic ether has helped me calm down a little. I'm still not able to formulate any rational thoughts, right now, but I did want to acknowledge your post.

I know the fallacy of the grass on the other side of the street. But I feel like the person in my avatar picture.

The problem is, I hate that person, that kid. I don't want to be him and I wish that he had never been me.

In two hours I can go home and sleep.

_________________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

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#213757 - 03/28/08 05:01 PM Re: Emotional Stew [Re: VLinvictus]
arronb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Perth
Hey VL

I removed this post, my apologees to ya.







Edited by arronb (03/31/08 05:23 AM)
_________________________
Keep Smilin'
arronb

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#213795 - 03/28/08 08:53 PM Re: Emotional Stew [Re: arronb]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
omg you bought buffy? tacky.

but anyway. i totally get this. do you want to go to the party just because you want to have sex with peter? probably. so chill and do your passoverthing, then just invite peter over for some one on one time. or, if you are that desperato, throw your own orgy. it's not like they are that difficult to coordinate. there is a guy in my apt complex that has them every once in a while.

but, do you think that having sex with peter means that peter loves you? cause it doesnt. at all. sex parties arent about love. they are soley about getting off. so if you are thinking that you and him will all of a sudden become romantic lovers cause you and i both go to the same party, i wouldnt pick out your tux.

on the flip side tho, the parties happen every 6 weeks so you can go again. its not like this is one time super fantastic party thing. i woudl say just snag peter for some one on one time and then you both go play at the party next time.


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#213802 - 03/28/08 09:22 PM Re: Emotional Stew [Re: Jarrad]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
VL, you know this sex=affirmation thing is just delusional thinking. The party sounds like fun, but there is a distinction;

Agape - love for emotional reasons.

Amore - love for purely physical reasons.

You feel agape for Peter, and that's great. You want more amore in general. If you could set up a great amore situation with your agape Peter, it might be exscatic. ecstatic, whatever.

But my Invincible, you are dreaming while the real problem remains unsolved. I know you want to take your time with S, so take your time. If you miss a few orgies while you get back on your feet, you'll catch up if you want...

Peter needs to be back burner until you finish with S. You can do that fast or slow, it's up to you. But you CAN;T do them both at the same time. Just my humble opinion, but trust me...

Love ya later bye!

R



Edited by Lazarus (03/29/08 10:21 AM)
_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#214304 - 03/31/08 12:45 AM Re: Emotional Stew [Re: Lazarus]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi again, has your man agreed to this open relationship freely? Or is he just condoning it, could he be afraid that he will lose you totally if he protest it. Or are you doing it behind his back. Even if he knows nothing about this, it would put a strain on a committed relationship. Not trying to judge you.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#214348 - 03/31/08 09:41 AM Re: Emotional Stew [Re: lostcowboy]
VLinvictus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
Hi, thanks for the comments. After posting them on Friday and talking the issue over with Peter, I was able to reach a sense of equilibrium.

Peter and I are aware of the situation. While we do care about each other very deeply and even use that dreaded "L" word, we know that romantic partnership is out of the question. I, for one, want nothing to do with with a partnership or "relationship" of any sort and am trying very hard to dismantle the one I'm reluctantly in now. Neither of us, I think, is ready for a partnership. And, while I do love him, we could never live together: he has a cat and I'm morbidly allergic to them. Plus, I have two beagles which I'm not about to give up.

As for Lostcowboy's question, my partner and I haven't had any sexual contact in over two years, and that is after a few more years of gradual creeping bed death. The withdrawal was entirely of his initiative, although I must confess that I do not find him sexually attractive any more. I long ago decided that monogamy can only exist as a two way street: both partners have to give. If one partner in a monogamous relationship is either not interested in sex at all or is not interested in sex with me, that puts me not in the position of monogamy but involuntary celebacy.

Life is too short and I have real and valid physical and emotional needs, and I saw no reason I should deny myself any further. Perhaps, if we had been a functioning couple from the start -- if we were actually capable of having a discussion about anything more significant than the weather or what's on TV without it devolving into an argument of inconsequentialities or isolation and silence, we could have worked it out. Perhaps.

But what's done is done. I can't change the past (regrettably) only learn from it, which is why we're now in the couple's counseling so we can (in theory) discuss these issues openly and honestly. It's terrifying, though.

I don't think I would have survived without the love and support -- and sexual release -- that I have gotten from Peter and others. I think, though, that a large part of my frustration and psychosis from the first post on this thread is due to the sense of being trapped -- of being frustated and angry. But as was pointed out to me, anger means that I'm acknowledging that something is wrong and frustration means that things are changing, only not as fast as I'd like. So, I should gather what rosebuds I can from the situation.

Dan

_________________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

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#214419 - 03/31/08 04:41 PM Re: Emotional Stew [Re: VLinvictus]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Invictus, I don't think anybody is saying that you can't have a life, I was merely mentioning that if you and Peter ever have/had a chance, it's not right now. It's easy to sense that you have given up on reconciling with Steve, so it's only a matter of time. But give peace a chance. If you have any desire to have an amicable friendship with Steve after this is all over (and I think you do) you can sleep with just about anybody you want EXCEPT Peter for now. Bringing another love interest into the situation at this point could be devastating for everyone involved. You don't want that hanging over your shoulders, do you?

This is just my opinion and you are a big boy. This relationship stuff is something I've learned in my old age, besides the old axiom; 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.'

You know I love ya, buddy!

Ric

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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