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#213601 - 03/27/08 09:24 PM Mom
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I've had a real tough time with this since my Mother passed away, she was one of my abuser's. Thanks to such strong support from my Brothers I've managed to face this reality, I buried away the reality for a long time. I blamed my rape at 15 for all the problems I've had but it's pretty clear now that most of my issues are the result of my Mother.

I was watching a taco commercial and I had the same guilt about her that caused me the denial of the problems she has caused me. I know she loved me, so much so that it became abusive. I did become a replacement Husband for her. Won't get into the details of the problems this has caused me but I'm sure most of you can imagine.

The real problem is this guilt I have for thinking badly of her, I can actually say with conviction now that she was abusive but also that she loved me. It just doesn't seem to go together, the feelings I have for her. Like Larry says "a mind fucker". I'm trying to be okay with the love/hate thing but it's really doing a number. Like a said a simple taco commercial is like a punch in the face.

How dare I think badly of her, she made me taco's

Ugh.

stay strong
Mike

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Thriving

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#213609 - 03/27/08 09:46 PM Re: Mom *DELETED* [Re: mogigo]
awakening Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 342
Post deleted by awakening


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#213612 - 03/27/08 09:52 PM Re: Mom [Re: awakening]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Wow Mike, I don't know WHAT to tell you on this, it's totally outside of my realm of experience. The only advice I have as to how you might best work on these issues is to talk to other survivors who's mothers were involved. I would like to hear what they have to say about your current situation.


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#213630 - 03/27/08 11:49 PM Re: Mom [Re: mogigo]
dking777 Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 94
Loc: CA
Originally Posted By: mogigo

The real problem is this guilt I have for thinking badly of her, I can actually say with conviction now that she was abusive but also that she loved me. It just doesn't seem to go together, the feelings I have for her. Like Larry says "a mind fucker". I'm trying to be okay with the love/hate thing but it's really doing a number.
Mike






Edited by dking777 (10/06/09 02:08 AM)
_________________________
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

Bittersweet Symphony

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#213631 - 03/28/08 12:14 AM Re: Mom [Re: dking777]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
\:\( thank you Dave, just thank you, I don't know how to feel. That has been my hardest moment, the hardest "thing" of my life. Thank you for making me feel I'm not alone.

I just don't know how to feel about her, my Mother. She was my Mother, she loved me but she hurt me so very very badly. It's so very hard.

Thank you dave, I love you, if I can ever be of some help to you know that I am here for you.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#213644 - 03/28/08 01:56 AM Re: Mom [Re: mogigo]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
God mike I have that same delimma with my dad. He was my dad and he did some good things for me. I don't want to hate him either but sometimes I am just so angry at how me messed up my like and well the whole damn family with his sickness. I did try to love him he gave me life and provided for me. I just don't know It is so confusing. I do like what dave says above. I have tried to do that and honor him and hate his sin but I am just so confused I don't know what I feel anymore.


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#213838 - 03/28/08 11:00 PM Re: Mom [Re: Freedom49]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Mike,

I can't offer you much here, but I think a big part of your dilemna may be driven by societal expectations.

Mothers are always good
Mothers give up everything for their kids
Mothers give their kids unconditional love

How can you hate someone so pure! But your mother, despite her efforts to be a good parent, abused you. She instilled feelings of guilt, shame, fear, and self-hatred in you by her actions - and she was wrong. She made you tacos... she made you feel inadequate. She was the pillor of her community... she tried to beat the "man" out of her son.

I think a woman with such a duplicitous nature deserves both love and hate.... but I understand how wrong it feels to "hate" your mother.

I have been thinking about this for so long. I was talking with a friend yesterday, and we were discussing "pity". I think that maybe something she deserves... your pity.

I hope my words are not too harsh - forgive me if they are.

much love to you,
Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#213878 - 03/29/08 02:12 AM Re: Mom [Re: dannym]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Thanks guy's,

Roger, I know. I felt it a while ago, Love you Brother. The song I sent you has allowed me to cry over it. Allowed me some release, I can only hope it lets you release some of it to. It's too late Roger, but I'm there with you Brother.

No Dan, not too harsh. Thank you for being there for me, do you know what that's worth, it's worth everything, Thank you.

Love you
Stay strong
Michael

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Thriving

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#213956 - 03/29/08 01:12 PM Re: Mom [Re: mogigo]
dave999 Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 23
Loc: Canada
Mike - I am in the same boat as you. I was sexually abused by my mother - physically and seductively up until about age 12- this is when I erected the "wall" - I would not let her touch me, kiss me, called her by her first name. My father was in poor health - weak and she was abusive to him. I in a sense had became her surrogate husband - she manipulated me with guilt to get me to do what she wanted - if I didn't do what she wanted she would cry - and my father would say "now look at what you did to your mother". This started when I was very young - I became passive and submissive - the experience (weak father, sexually and emotionally abusive mother) served to separate my self from the male side of my being. The wall served to isolate me from her but it also isolated me from people and today I struggle with the repercussions. I had repressed rationalized away the memories about this until about one year ago - at a late stage in life I acknowledged for the first time what had actually happened to me and the impact that it has had on me in so many ways - no close male friends, problems with intimacy, problems with sexual identity. Mothers are tricky - they can use their "mothering" skills and attributes to manipulate - we are taught and are supposed to trust and love our mothers - but what happens when they can't be trusted - when they trash our boundaries? They may is some sick way "love us" but they are still responsible for what they did. The problem is that we cut them slack on this because they are our mother - we some how think it is our fault - they helped to make us feel this way - the guilt is huge - the struggle is to know that they did it, that they are responsible for doing it and that you were their victim. We get this all screwed up - and end up thinking that we were responsible. One day we may be able to forgive our mothers - but they still did it to us and they are responsible. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone - take your self back, keep the responsibility for the abuse where it belongs and try to forgive - forgiveness does not mean you condone or let them off of the hook for what they did - once we can forgive - we are free
Dave



Edited by dave999 (03/29/08 01:22 PM)

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#213979 - 03/29/08 03:08 PM Re: Mom [Re: dave999]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
"... they can use their "mothering" skills and attributes to manipulate - we are taught and are supposed to trust and love our mothers - but what happens when they can't be trusted - when they trash our boundaries?" I think we had the same Mom.

Agreed that forgiveness would be great if you can get there!

I too felt I was responsible somehow for my abuse. In my case my Mother neglected to address the situation. She seems to have been bullied into submission.

Cheers, Dawg



Edited by hogan_dawg (03/29/08 04:59 PM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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