Newest Members
DT, kk90, Austintexan, Cancan, LS
12257 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Blank (36), christx (41), Heartonfire (38), Nathan LaChine (31)
Who's Online
1 registered (Z0RN), 17 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12257 Members
73 Forums
63124 Topics
441422 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#213479 - 03/27/08 12:46 PM Naming your abuser...
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
I'm one of the old guys who kept it secret as a kid and then it just stayed secret much of my life. So I think there's no way to pursue a police investigation or civil case. And yes, sometimes we don't even know their name.

My abuse happened a long time ago, 35-40 yrs ago. By adult men. I haven't really thought about confronting them, but I've come to realize that could be very helpful in healing. I could write a letter just for myself.

However, I thought about naming them here with as much information as I have. One of them, I wonder if he could still be alive, and the thought of confronting him is very much on my mind.

Others here who live in distant cities might even help me a little in finding him. And likewise. It feels very empowering. Standing up for ourselves and each other!!!

What was done was very, very wrong and we stand together!!!!

So, before I name, names, is there something I should consider? Could I be sued for libel or something? (I'm in the US of course.. lol First thought that came to mind... lol)

Are others here willing to name name's? Kind of a wall of shame. The perpetrator's shame for sure!!!

And also this: My abusers were middle aged adults. I'm not talking about naming teen abusers or people who were under the influence of an abuser themselves shall we say.



Edited by LandOfShadow (03/27/08 03:28 PM)
_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

Top
#213487 - 03/27/08 01:54 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: LandOfShadow]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
My gosh I don't know...it's huge step.

I've thought about naming my abuser too but frankly I'm afraid of the consequences. I'm afraid my family will beat the crap out of me, which is very likely. Or sue me, sure that's a possibility.

So you need help in finding him eh? That's a good cause I think. I'm trying to do the same thing but basically I'm trying to find other people who might have been abused by my Father/relatives too. So, if I found his name on that site, I'd immediately sign an Affidavit and sworn statement attesting to what he did to me, and send it to the person so they'd have backup in court. That would be my objective - to help them get justice.

You know what might work? A thread devoted specifically to key words. So imagine a thread where you say "Minnesota, USA", "Mr.Perp", "Keywords include: 3-8 year olds, Bob's Public School, Washington, assault on couch, threats included..." Even if there are no names given in one's post, it is possible that the mention of a school or playground or location will tweak someone.

It's a good idea to share names, but man, frought with all kinds of emotional possibilities. I don't know. I'm so damned confused I can't think straight. I share your excitement though.

But if you ever want to swap stories I'm happy to talk in PM.



Edited by hogan_dawg (03/27/08 01:59 PM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

Top
#213493 - 03/27/08 02:06 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: hogan_dawg]
JustJeff Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/19/08
Posts: 262
What is libel again? and also if you need help finding anyone ask me, i am extremely good at doing that kind of stuff. and as for naming your perp, i did in my post, his name is steven. i don't know his last name though, he's probably around my age by now. i wonder what he's doing.

_________________________
.

Top
#213495 - 03/27/08 02:17 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: JustJeff]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
slander is harmful, false statements in a transitory form, especially speech.

libel is harmful false statements in a fixed medium, especially writing but also a picture, sign, or electronic broadcast.

I can't actually imagine an abuser bringing such a case, it's really just a fearful thought, because, they would obviously run the risk of you providing evidence it is true. And it would bring a lot more publicity to your accusation. And if there are others... Abusers want secrecy not the light of day.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

Top
#213500 - 03/27/08 02:28 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: LandOfShadow]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
You can always try to press charges locally, authorities would take over and it wouldn't be linked to you for slander or anything. Especially the thought, if you emphasize that they would still be a threat would lead to an investigation which would be more productive with them doing the search and gathering information. They would keep you informed, just find the right officer that would be your advocate.

I wish I had enough knowledge for my cop friends to be able to help me with catching my perps. I don't think here would be the place to do so much like that, it's not your secret to keep though.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top
#213501 - 03/27/08 02:30 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: LandOfShadow]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Hogan, you are right in the direction you are going. It could be a simple thread here, but even an entire site, searchable, very long lasting.

My abusers were not family to me. Beyond confronting them in person, making them hear my struggles, story, my anger and rage, another thought is "Did they abuse others? How many of us are there?" There was a time I was too fearful to want to know, but now, I want to know.

More and more, I'm seeing that society isn't much behind us (male victims), mostly against us. No services, no recognition of the problem, don't want to listen. I'm angry. And my strength is growing...

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

Top
#213507 - 03/27/08 02:40 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: LandOfShadow]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1901
Loc: durham, north england
In my case, there were so many abusers, ---- many of whome i didn't even know the names of. there were three particular girls, but many others as well, pluss many boys who were involved with the physical violence and exposure business.

I did once considder suing the school where all this happened for basically ignoring the situation and taking no notice, ---- just to get an appology, but was told that sinse I'd made it to university and had "succeeded" I couldn't claime that I had been damaged by my experiences.

all the people involved will be almost exactly around my age now, ---- I imagine some will even have children, and probably won't remember what they did to me at all.


Top
#213509 - 03/27/08 02:44 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: LandOfShadow]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
I'm angry too LandOfShadow for the same reasons.

It's an insensitive cold and cruel world filled with people who don't understand how this abuse ruins our lives.

It's killed my relationships.
It killed my chances of having kids.
It killed my relationship with my Mother.
It killed my relationships with my brothers.
It caused me to shoot myself in the foot a thousand times.
It killed my career.
It will probably kill these things for my neices too, if he got a hold of them.

And, I have no reason to believe that this sadist didn't kill someone, and, if he did, I have no way to find the bodies and the police have their hands tied.

And if I pipe up and sing about this crap, I'll be abandoned and it'll support his case that I'm insane. He wins. And I'm rendered impotent and irrelevant and insane.



Edited by hogan_dawg (03/27/08 02:46 PM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

Top
#213511 - 03/27/08 02:50 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: LandOfShadow]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
I should have said this. I'm one of the old guys who kept it secret as a kid and then it just stayed secret much of my life.

It was 35, 40 years ago. One was in Canada, outside my country. The other in a state 600 miles away. Police sometimes don't pursue even current accusations! I don't think they'd listen for a second.

And yes, sometimes we don't even know their name.

But, we don't have to keep silent! We could name and publish as much as we know if there isn't enough for a police investigation. Provide a way for other victims to "find out", their relatives, etc. Go public. It's not our shame, damn it!

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

Top
#213513 - 03/27/08 02:55 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: LandOfShadow]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
i think it is a bad idea to give the FULL NAME of your perp here, but that's just my opinion

there are right ways to go about things and wrong ways

i just think this would be the wrong way to do it

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


Top
#213517 - 03/27/08 03:21 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: king tut]
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
If your abuser is family, it could mean sharing your own name also. I am not able to do that here, not public and open as such.

VN


Top
#213518 - 03/27/08 03:22 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: king tut]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
I'm glad I'm seeing a crisis counselor today. I'm messed up. I don't have the strength to give out my name yet and I'm crying like a kid. Time to exit.



Edited by hogan_dawg (03/27/08 03:22 PM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

Top
#213519 - 03/27/08 03:27 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: hogan_dawg]
JustJeff Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/19/08
Posts: 262
There are easier way's to search for people without revealing who you are. the internet is a remarkable invention. there are "People Search Engines" available on the web for free and they do a remarkable job. i reccomend using http://www.pipl.com it's one of the easiest and best free people search engines available on the web. there are other's as well, if that one doesn't work. pm or post here if you would like to know more.

_________________________
.

Top
#213535 - 03/27/08 05:06 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: JustJeff]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Giving the full names of perps on the MS site was not allowed when I was an active moderator and I am not aware of that being changed. There could/would be many negative consequences for MS and the MS community if that were to happen. Before you post the names, please seek out the advice of a moderator.

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

Top
#213548 - 03/27/08 06:55 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: Brian]
Happy Birthday Nathan LaChine Offline
Webmaster
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5378
Loc: Washington State
Brian is correct.

We do not want to have contact information post on here about your abusers. We are here to heal from sexual abuse and while giving there first name is ok please do not give there last name. I do not want MS to be anything more then people healing and supporting one another. Lets continue to keep MS focused on us not on our perps.

Nathan


Top
#213594 - 03/27/08 08:50 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: Nathan LaChine]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Guys,

I'd like to add something here in addition to what Brian and Nathan have already said. As noted, this site is primarily about our journey of recovery rather than seeking out and/or naming perpetrators. The position of the MaleSurvivor mods and admin is that there are plenty of sites out there where you can do just that.

There have been incidents in the past where threads got going along the lines of naming perps or giving out their locations. On more than one occasion this activity has attracted the attention of some very undesirable elements of our society and resulted in a definite loss of safety to the users of this site. Guys, we do not want this to happen yet again so please be circumspect and wise when considering threads of this nature.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#213618 - 03/27/08 10:13 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: WalkingSouth]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
I get you.

Walkinsouth you said "As noted, this site is primarily about our journey of recovery rather than seeking out and/or naming perpetrators. The position of the MaleSurvivor mods and admin is that there are plenty of sites out there where you can do just that."

Is there a sticky note where we can find these sites that name names?

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

Top
#213936 - 03/29/08 11:39 AM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: hogan_dawg]
Chester Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 48
Loc: Long Island, NY
I got a lot out of the guilt workshop by Steve Bevan at the last conference. The main thing I walked away with, in addition to others is:

YOU DO NOT OWN THE PERSON WHO ABUSED YOU. They are not yours.

"The" abuser, or, "The person who abused me" are more accurate terms, as ownership implies a perpetual bond of some sort. Accurate or not, how we frame the abuse we have suffered says a lot.

I try not to even refer to my mother as my mother in order to keep the responsibility for the abuse on her, but all my substitute terms would make your ears bleed. ;\)

_________________________
rock: left pocket

Top
#214088 - 03/29/08 11:41 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: Chester]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
So ok, got it. This isn't the place for this.

I guess I think your saying it's important to take back our power over our lives. That the abuser was very powerful over us, very "influential". I guess I'd more likely think of my abuser owning me.

But if you're saying, I can take full responsibility for myself now and deal with it myself, uninfluenced anymore by the abuser, I agree. Let go of the blame and anger for myself as I am.

Still publicly pointing to the abuser feels powerful to me to let go of the shame and a sense of justice and truth.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

Top
#214239 - 03/30/08 08:27 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: LandOfShadow]
USFbull Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/30/08
Posts: 92
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: LandOfShadow
So ok, got it. This isn't the place for this.

I guess I think your saying it's important to take back our power over our lives. That the abuser was very powerful over us, very "influential". I guess I'd more likely think of my abuser owning me.

But if you're saying, I can take full responsibility for myself now and deal with it myself, uninfluenced anymore by the abuser, I agree. Let go of the blame and anger for myself as I am.

Still publicly pointing to the abuser feels powerful to me to let go of the shame and a sense of justice and truth.


I get what you guys are saying. It took 14 years for me to tell my parents it happened, and who did it. It was by a family member and my parents have been supportive in severing all connection with him. My Dad has told me on more than one occassion he's considered tracking him down and beating the living crap out of him. I know we've established no name posting, which I think is a good idea. As much as we may be angry,hurt, etc. it is still just a name, there may be some people who arent legitimate who may post a name to sabotage someones life. There was a case in St. Augustine FL (I think) where some girls accused a teacher of some wrong acts, he was convicted by a jury, after the guy lost his entire life and got a 15 year sentence the girls all came out saying they were just trying to get out detention. The moral of the story, while your legitimate story, name, and issue are just that, some random person may just be trying get even or have alterior motives. However here are some sites that may be of some use for those desiring to post/see names.


http://www.familywatchdog.us/
- A great link to the national sex offender database. Gives you there adress, where they work, and their full crime. ( Also has good info on FDA recalls)

http://www.perverted-justice.com
-The guys that help MSNBC bust internet predators. They have a great database of screennames and users that have been caught attempting to solicit children.

Hope these help!

_________________________
Neither fear nor courage saves us.
Unnatural vices Are fathered by our heroism.
Virtues Are forced upon us by our impudent crimes.
These tears are shaken from
the wrath-bearing tree.
~T.S. Eliot~

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.