Newest Members
SiegmundNYC, TheGreatWhat, MyNameIsPaul, serenity38, vivo
12486 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Can-tex (45), cbchorn (41)
Who's Online
1 registered (1 invisible), 22 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12486 Members
74 Forums
64149 Topics
447597 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#213479 - 03/27/08 12:46 PM Naming your abuser...
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
I'm one of the old guys who kept it secret as a kid and then it just stayed secret much of my life. So I think there's no way to pursue a police investigation or civil case. And yes, sometimes we don't even know their name.

My abuse happened a long time ago, 35-40 yrs ago. By adult men. I haven't really thought about confronting them, but I've come to realize that could be very helpful in healing. I could write a letter just for myself.

However, I thought about naming them here with as much information as I have. One of them, I wonder if he could still be alive, and the thought of confronting him is very much on my mind.

Others here who live in distant cities might even help me a little in finding him. And likewise. It feels very empowering. Standing up for ourselves and each other!!!

What was done was very, very wrong and we stand together!!!!

So, before I name, names, is there something I should consider? Could I be sued for libel or something? (I'm in the US of course.. lol First thought that came to mind... lol)

Are others here willing to name name's? Kind of a wall of shame. The perpetrator's shame for sure!!!

And also this: My abusers were middle aged adults. I'm not talking about naming teen abusers or people who were under the influence of an abuser themselves shall we say.



Edited by LandOfShadow (03/27/08 03:28 PM)
_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

Top
#213487 - 03/27/08 01:54 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: LandOfShadow]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
My gosh I don't know...it's huge step.

I've thought about naming my abuser too but frankly I'm afraid of the consequences. I'm afraid my family will beat the crap out of me, which is very likely. Or sue me, sure that's a possibility.

So you need help in finding him eh? That's a good cause I think. I'm trying to do the same thing but basically I'm trying to find other people who might have been abused by my Father/relatives too. So, if I found his name on that site, I'd immediately sign an Affidavit and sworn statement attesting to what he did to me, and send it to the person so they'd have backup in court. That would be my objective - to help them get justice.

You know what might work? A thread devoted specifically to key words. So imagine a thread where you say "Minnesota, USA", "Mr.Perp", "Keywords include: 3-8 year olds, Bob's Public School, Washington, assault on couch, threats included..." Even if there are no names given in one's post, it is possible that the mention of a school or playground or location will tweak someone.

It's a good idea to share names, but man, frought with all kinds of emotional possibilities. I don't know. I'm so damned confused I can't think straight. I share your excitement though.

But if you ever want to swap stories I'm happy to talk in PM.



Edited by hogan_dawg (03/27/08 01:59 PM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

Top
#213493 - 03/27/08 02:06 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: hogan_dawg]
JustJeff Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/19/08
Posts: 262
What is libel again? and also if you need help finding anyone ask me, i am extremely good at doing that kind of stuff. and as for naming your perp, i did in my post, his name is steven. i don't know his last name though, he's probably around my age by now. i wonder what he's doing.

_________________________
.

Top
#213495 - 03/27/08 02:17 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: JustJeff]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
slander is harmful, false statements in a transitory form, especially speech.

libel is harmful false statements in a fixed medium, especially writing but also a picture, sign, or electronic broadcast.

I can't actually imagine an abuser bringing such a case, it's really just a fearful thought, because, they would obviously run the risk of you providing evidence it is true. And it would bring a lot more publicity to your accusation. And if there are others... Abusers want secrecy not the light of day.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

Top
#213500 - 03/27/08 02:28 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: LandOfShadow]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
You can always try to press charges locally, authorities would take over and it wouldn't be linked to you for slander or anything. Especially the thought, if you emphasize that they would still be a threat would lead to an investigation which would be more productive with them doing the search and gathering information. They would keep you informed, just find the right officer that would be your advocate.

I wish I had enough knowledge for my cop friends to be able to help me with catching my perps. I don't think here would be the place to do so much like that, it's not your secret to keep though.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top
#213501 - 03/27/08 02:30 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: LandOfShadow]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Hogan, you are right in the direction you are going. It could be a simple thread here, but even an entire site, searchable, very long lasting.

My abusers were not family to me. Beyond confronting them in person, making them hear my struggles, story, my anger and rage, another thought is "Did they abuse others? How many of us are there?" There was a time I was too fearful to want to know, but now, I want to know.

More and more, I'm seeing that society isn't much behind us (male victims), mostly against us. No services, no recognition of the problem, don't want to listen. I'm angry. And my strength is growing...

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

Top
#213507 - 03/27/08 02:40 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: LandOfShadow]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
In my case, there were so many abusers, ---- many of whome i didn't even know the names of. there were three particular girls, but many others as well, pluss many boys who were involved with the physical violence and exposure business.

I did once considder suing the school where all this happened for basically ignoring the situation and taking no notice, ---- just to get an appology, but was told that sinse I'd made it to university and had "succeeded" I couldn't claime that I had been damaged by my experiences.

all the people involved will be almost exactly around my age now, ---- I imagine some will even have children, and probably won't remember what they did to me at all.


Top
#213509 - 03/27/08 02:44 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: LandOfShadow]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
I'm angry too LandOfShadow for the same reasons.

It's an insensitive cold and cruel world filled with people who don't understand how this abuse ruins our lives.

It's killed my relationships.
It killed my chances of having kids.
It killed my relationship with my Mother.
It killed my relationships with my brothers.
It caused me to shoot myself in the foot a thousand times.
It killed my career.
It will probably kill these things for my neices too, if he got a hold of them.

And, I have no reason to believe that this sadist didn't kill someone, and, if he did, I have no way to find the bodies and the police have their hands tied.

And if I pipe up and sing about this crap, I'll be abandoned and it'll support his case that I'm insane. He wins. And I'm rendered impotent and irrelevant and insane.



Edited by hogan_dawg (03/27/08 02:46 PM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

Top
#213511 - 03/27/08 02:50 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: LandOfShadow]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
I should have said this. I'm one of the old guys who kept it secret as a kid and then it just stayed secret much of my life.

It was 35, 40 years ago. One was in Canada, outside my country. The other in a state 600 miles away. Police sometimes don't pursue even current accusations! I don't think they'd listen for a second.

And yes, sometimes we don't even know their name.

But, we don't have to keep silent! We could name and publish as much as we know if there isn't enough for a police investigation. Provide a way for other victims to "find out", their relatives, etc. Go public. It's not our shame, damn it!

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

Top
#213513 - 03/27/08 02:55 PM Re: Naming your abuser... [Re: LandOfShadow]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2469
Loc: UK
i think it is a bad idea to give the FULL NAME of your perp here, but that's just my opinion

there are right ways to go about things and wrong ways

i just think this would be the wrong way to do it

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.