Well, we're back in joint therapy.
It's a good thing.
This latest betrayal was a doozy. Didn't involve sex, I think--I hope?!--but just about everything else (emotional betrayal, deceit, enlisting other parties to cover, pre-meditation, withdrawal, anger....) I also have the feeling that it's not yet all out on the table, either. But we'll see.
The important thing, I hope, is to be talking more honestly, in a more supportive setting again, about what's going wrong and what should be done to address the underlying issues.
As I say this, though, I am really weary of having something like this blow up in my face again. I also wonder if I am not too forgiving by being willing to stay with him and to try to resolve this. It was a very big deal, very painful for me (and extremely badly timed, considering the other, scary, health-related issues of my own I've been handling in the past few days.) I worry that I am setting myself up, again, and willing to overlook too much hurtful behavior for the sake of maintaining this relationship. This is not a pleasant thought, as you might imagine.
We still have made painfully little progress with sex and sexual expression. And maybe I have been too patient. This seems to be a big part of the frustration for both of us, and so for that alone it's important to be in therapy again. Elisha1 (Roger) observed in chat the other day that this latest outburst is a big cry for help, and for the incentive to move I am indeed grateful. I'm not happy that it took something so dramatic, but I am hopeful that we can be more consistent with acknowledging the problem and in turn admitting that we need to pay serious attention to this.
The other potentially promising thing about therapy is to see if we can address some of the issues that I have myself, especially those that seem to emerge in reaction to what BF does (and compound the problem, absolutely). I am not taking on responsibility for him being so obnoxious and hurtful in this instance, but I do think it's not good for either one of us for me to be as protective of him as I have been, and as hesitant for me to be proactive in regards to my own needs and preferences, whether that's related to sex or everything else.
If we don't make it over this mountain, then there's no long-term future for us. I'm not willing to live in a sexless relationship. We both, he and I, deserve to be sexually expressive and loving people. I dearly hope that we can be that way with each other, and I am willing to do a lot to help that happen. But this is a non-negotiable for me, ultimately. Life's too short, and I already spent far too many years in self-imposed celibacy!
Hope you-all are doing better. I will keep you posted. Comments welcome, as always.
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.