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#212336 - 03/22/08 06:42 PM Disclosure - and the pitfalls
Photonut Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/22/08
Posts: 11
Loc: North
Well I am back.

After a very public meltdown that ultimately involved me being banned from this site...

Well I am back a couple years later to speak of the pitfalls or experiences of disclosure.

I figured that disclosure would be the last step in healing. That it was the end of a journey. That by "outing" myself (and my perp) that it would all be over. That my journey would be complete.

I had great expectations about "coming out". Everyone would know why "I am like I am". Maybe cut me a little slack. Maybe extend a hand.

So I "come out" about my abuse. Very publicly. To my friends, my family. I built a web site about my perp. I plastered posters about him at his home and work.
I guess I did it all.

So out I was... exposed for the whole world to see. And see me they did. I am not sure what I expected, but I suppose I was just happy to "let my guard down". For the first time in MANY years I "took off the mask".
I'll tell you now... It didn't work out too well for me.
Probably the way I went about it I guess.
I came out... then "let the cards fall as they may.
I hoped that if people had a better understanding of ME they would better cut me a little slack.
I came out... then ducked below the radar. I needed to to regroup.
I noticed people slowly stopped returing calls... invited to parties slowed down.. stopped. Emails went unanswered.

All I had managed to do was alienate myself. Maybe "being alone in a crowd" is better than just being alone.

So here I am. All this behind me. All the work and effort first thrown at hiding, then exposing, then surviving.

Was it all worth it?

Was Disclosure worth it? I don't know.

If I could give anyone advice about disclosure it would be this:

1) Identify WHY you want to dislose
2) Have a plan
3) List what you hope to get out of it, the wiegh the cost vs. benifit.
4) Know that you can CHOOSE who you disclose to. It doesn't have to be a "all or nothing" experience.
5) Build a strong support system before hand.

Any advice about "outing" your perp... That could go on for pages.
If gives you a sence of power, but it is very costly to you emotionally. At the end of the day you are still the same person, with the same issues. Outing isn't the magic "cure".

Be well all.


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#212344 - 03/22/08 08:02 PM Re: Disclosure - and the pitfalls [Re: Photonut]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Photonut,

Welcome back to MS,

I am planning very soon to confront my perp,(brother) and I appreciate your words above. Yes, I know I am taking a major step in my recovery. Will it work? I don't know. But the way I feel now is I have to do it for ME, so I can heal. I am dealing with major nightmares almost daily. My T seems to think that until I confront him, the nightmares will continue.

I do know without any uncertainty that I will be splitting up my family. I have 7 siblings and without a doubt they will be taking sides in the matter. I am sad and full of anxiety about this. I am sad and angry that I will be looked at as a rebel. But I just know for me, I have to do it. I can't live a lie any more and act like I am a part of a loving family. The truth will come out about my brother and how he ruined his little brothers life. I am going to tell it like it was.

Will I look at the confrontation as a success. I don't know, but I do know that I am going to give my family a choice to believe me, to love me for who I am or to disassociate from me and right me off. It will be their choice. All or nothing, I think that is the way I look at it now.

I am really sad that the outcome was not a cure for you. I don't think this will cure me but I do think it will be a major step in my recovery.

Thanks for a great 1st post. It sure hit home for me.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#212372 - 03/22/08 10:09 PM Re: Disclosure - and the pitfalls [Re: KENKEN]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Anybody thinking about disclosing or confronting should read:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer3.html

It is a serious process and can have pitfalls if not done right.
Ken


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#212400 - 03/23/08 12:09 AM Re: Disclosure - and the pitfalls [Re: Photonut]
Peter Wayne Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/30/08
Posts: 4
I am curios about your coming out.

A friend and I have been trying to expose a pedophile that has been active in the NE for 40 years. He abused my friendís husband and many of the children she grew up with. Most of the direct information we have relates to people who where abused 20 + years ago.

People listen politely and then stop retuning calls and emails.

You had the same reaction?

What did you do to get past it?


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#212425 - 03/23/08 04:20 AM Re: Disclosure - and the pitfalls [Re: Peter Wayne]
kellticwarrior Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/10/08
Posts: 89
Loc: vancouver,b.c.,canada
thanks for the advice. i am exposing my older sister after 35 years of silence. no for a power trip, i just need to heal so i can "live" again.

All the best, kelly

_________________________
Love heals everything

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#212439 - 03/23/08 09:22 AM Re: Disclosure - and the pitfalls [Re: kellticwarrior]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
kelly,

I am very anxious to hear how your confrontation/exposure goes for you. I understand that you need to heal. That is exactly how I feel. I plan on doing the same real soon.

Please keep us informed if you will.

Thanks

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#212583 - 03/23/08 08:27 PM Re: Disclosure - and the pitfalls [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
Photonut Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/22/08
Posts: 11
Loc: North
Originally Posted By: Ken Singer, LCSW
Anybody thinking about disclosing or confronting should read:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer3.html

It is a serious process and can have pitfalls if not done right.
Ken


I wish I had read that before.

I would strongly reccomend it to all who are thinking about this..


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#212585 - 03/23/08 08:30 PM Re: Disclosure - and the pitfalls [Re: Peter Wayne]
Photonut Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/22/08
Posts: 11
Loc: North
Originally Posted By: Peter Wayne
I am curios about your coming out.

A friend and I have been trying to expose a pedophile that has been active in the NE for 40 years. He abused my friendís husband and many of the children she grew up with. Most of the direct information we have relates to people who where abused 20 + years ago.

People listen politely and then stop retuning calls and emails.

You had the same reaction?

What did you do to get past it?


Get past it? I don't know that I have. I know I am disappointed in those I considered friends.... I mean I know a few of them are probaly unsure of how to behave around me, or maybe unsure of what to say... But others I feel were never really friends...
On the flip side.. The one or two who stepped up and said "what can I do to help" or "I'm here for you"...those are the friends for life...


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#212586 - 03/23/08 08:33 PM Re: Disclosure - and the pitfalls [Re: Photonut]
Photonut Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/22/08
Posts: 11
Loc: North
On a happy note... (I have found nature very helpful in dealing with the stress)

Saw a Once-In-A-Lifetime bird today.

A Harlequin Duck! (Yay)




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#213248 - 03/26/08 01:50 PM Re: Disclosure - and the pitfalls [Re: Photonut]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Isn't the best way just to find someone else he's acted upon, get the proof, and let the cops worry about 'outing' him? Also, I don't know anything about law - what if one confronts publicly, and it can't be proven in court - could we be sued by the perp?

I mean, these crimes aren't simply crimes of opportunity, they're crimes that repeat.

Peter I understand your quest. Doing the same myself. 40+ years on my part - not meaning to do 'one upmanship' or anything \:\)



Edited by hogan_dawg (03/26/08 02:33 PM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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