When you said: " how it effects others yet they have no idea or even care why you're acting out only that they wish you'd just "STOP" being an %@!%!## or whats his problem." What exactly do you mean by acting out or being an @$%#%%?
Are we talking about anger? I have deep compassion for your struggles Coop, but I'm not one to handle angry people very enthusiastically. My father had borderline personality disorder and I spent my entire life tiptoeing around his issues. I trained myself not to walk to heavy, not to slam doors, not to breathe in the wrong direction...to become basically invisible because of HIS anger...it was his anger, not mine, not my siblings, not my mother's...he had ownership of this issue. I have sympathy for him but also resentment that he did not move heaven and earth to offer his family any sort of peace. My attitude was why and the heck should we all have to put up with his anger? We did nothing to deserve being the punching bag to his issues. There comes a point we all must take responsibility for how we behave regardless of the issues we are carrying within us...to find other ways of coping, to find better alternatives to express the deep pain we feel.
I am in no way defending your family Coop but I am questioning if maybe they are establishing normal boundaries to protect themselves from a similar pain. I hope I didn't go too far in saying this and if I've perhaps misunderstood what you meant regarding acting out or being an *&%$%, then I appologize.
When you said: "I have nothing to prove to anyone....yet i find myself looking for and expecting to be believed ....why i do this i may never know.but it hurts alot sometimes." I'm wondering if this is the true reason you react the way you do surrounding your family. The anger is a mask to the feelings you carry within, specifically hurt. We all wish to be understood or validated in the struggles we face...and family is supposed to love us without condition, right? The sad reality is in most families this fails to happen and we are all left feeling great pain as a result...we are left jumping through hoops for mere crumbs in return. The door opens one way and that seems to be facing away from us. I'm sorry I can not offer any answers to this, but I do hear you and feel for what you face in this struggle.
As always I wish you well and I am greatly impressed by your desire to make sense of the experiences you face.
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."