Tim’s next extravagance was coming to my rescue by arranging to take me to my best friend’s wedding in Utah. Attending this wedding was very important to me and I wasn’t sure how I was going to be able to do it. I had no money and no car. So Tim arranged to borrow someone’s expensive car and drove me to Utah for the wedding. I couldn’t believe he would take this kind of time out from his family, career and life for me. Again I had no idea how he arranged this trip with his wife but he did. On the way to the wedding Tim gave me his final major gift.
We stopped in a mountain pass on Interstate 15 between Nevada, Arizona and Southern Utah; I believe the area is called the Virgin River Gorge. Tim pulled over at a stopping area and had us walk down to a stream off to the side of the road. Tim had asked that we bring the kruges with us and we sat and had a drink out of them. While we were sharing this drink Tim took a leather cord from around his neck, (where he had been wearing it), with a plain white gold wedding band attached to it. He took the ring off the cord and put it on my right hand ring finger. I do not have the words to describe the impact this had on me.
A white gold wedding band was the symbol of power in “The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant” the science fiction books we had read; so Tim certainly understood its importance to me from that perspective. Again, to have someone spend this much money on a gift for me because they knew on some level what this gift would mean to me, was just really beyond my experience and my expectations; and then that Tim had gone to all the trouble to give it to me in this spectacular way. I was completely overwhelmed. As we discussed the gift Tim explained that he had been directed by “Father” (as Tim referred to our “Heavenly Father”) to give me the ring at this time and in this manner.
Up to this point in our interactions I had been keeping Tim at a distance on both an emotional and physical level. He had wanted to hug me, hold me and even kiss me. He said “This was all in the spirit of brotherhood.” But I viewed most intimate physical interactions between men as counter productive to my efforts to be healed from my homosexuality. I also carried a tremendous amount of guilt around about having homosexual feelings and this guilt contributed to my confusion about what heterosexual behavior was. So I didn’t feel like a good judge of what men who didn’t have my affliction, (homosexuality), could or could not do. So I just kept Tim at a distance. I didn’t trust someone coming into my life saying all these great things about me and paying all this attention to me. Tim had been doing this consistently for a couple of months. And in spite of my reluctance to respond to him in the same way Tim continued showing up in my life. Up to this point I still was not ready to trust him; and I did not want to explain my real reasons for not wanting to hug or to hold him.
The last gift broke down most of my barriers. I hugged Tim and let him hug me. There were things I hadn’t told him yet so I really started to open up. I still didn’t share my struggles with homosexuality. I wasn’t ready to trust him with that and besides I didn’t know if he would understand. But the gift of the ring and the manner in which it was given to me overcame many of my reservations. I even felt like I had been unkind to Tim for keeping him at a physical and emotional distance. I wanted to prove to him that I was very touched by all he had done for me. We pulled over to the side of the highway and I let him hug/hold me for a long time and I reciprocated. We were there for a long time before we continued on to the wedding in Utah.
You can't save your Ass and your Face at the same time. (Anonymous)
And given the choice I will save my ass first everytime(STC)