After that night in Tim’s bed I started to impose some boundaries. Those occasionally got stepped over but for the most part Tim and I held to the boundaries. Of course to enact this new stage in our relationship Tim suggested we enact some kind of ritual. We showered together, washed each other in a very intimate and ritualized way (another bastardization of the ceremonies performed in the Mormon Temple).
Eventually we came to the point where Tim said it was time to bring my healing to an end. To do this Tim came up with a very elaborate ritual. It was to be a “burning” to represent a covenant between me and God. The “burning” would involve burning a lavender T-shirt I had purchased when I was feeling more rebellious. I was also going to burn the symbols from an old pair of my garments (sacred Mormon underwear). I was to pray for further direction about what was involved in my covenant with God and what I needed to do to prepare for the ‘burning”. We were also to come to the ceremony having fasted for at least 24 hours; I know my fasting had started at least 36 hours prior to his ritual. We had planned the ritual for the weekend of August 6, 1983.
During preparation for the “burning” and throughout most of experiences with Tim I prayed for direction, prayed for guidance and I got answers, not just once or twice but often. I fasted repeatedly for direction and guidance and I was lead through this experience with Tim by my spiritual feeling. I was directed to follow Tim and many other things.
In a couple of years when it became obvious to me that I had been used and manipulated for sex and some purpose far more complex than just sex, and that what had happened to me had nothing to do with healing me of homosexuality. That I followed this course not only based on the direction of a prominent Mormon Church leader (by this time Tim was on the Stake High Counsel) but on the direction of my own spiritual compass. I was devastated. My sense of betrayal by God was complete and the whole source of my spiritual and intuitive life became meaningless. That God would abandon me so completely to the manipulations of this sexual predator destroyed my belief in any kind of God for years. The sense of abandonment and this complete loss of any kind of faith has been one of the most, if not the most destructive consequences caused by Tim’s abuse.
Back to that weekend in August of 1983; we had selected a place at the beach, a secluded cove at the far end of the beach that very few people went to. This was my spot. A spot I went to think and be alone. It was a spot I had shown Tim on one of the late night trips to the ocean. This is the place we chose for the ritual of the burning. We brought burgundy towels, food, water, the kruge, the blade, the lavender t-shirt, a new pair of garments, and Tim also brought a new white shirt for me. Tim also brought wood for a fire and started the fire. At some point I got undressed completely and Tim took me into the ocean and washed me and then he brought me out and dried me off with one of the towels. Then Tim shaved me (Tim had asked me to come without shaving). Then he put the new garments on me. Then I had to cut the symbols out of the old garments and shred the lavender t-shirt and then placed all of that in the fire to burn. Tim did ask for a shred of the lavender t-shirt to keep as a memento for his files.
Then we broke our fast. Tim had brought water, dark red grapes, white cheese, an uncut loaf of plain white bread and butter. We drank the water out of the kruges and broke the bread with our hands and ate it with the butter or cheese. After Tim had washed, shaved and dressed me and while the fire was burning the lavender t-shirt and the symbols form my old garments, Tim took me in his arms and held me against his chest and started to get me aroused and then he proceeded to bring me to a climax. I was not allowed to do anything to him. I had to be still and permit him to take me. Then he took my semen (seed as we referred to it) and put it on the knife, the blade, the symbol of our manhood’s. He tasted some of my semen and had me taste some too. He also put some of my semen on the scrap of the lavender t-shirt he was saving as a memento. Then he gave me a priesthood blessing.
This ritual marked the end of the binding and forging of our relationship but not its end. Nor was it a complete end to everything sexual or intimate between us. Even though the most intense sexual aspects had ended, there was still some making out and fondling. It continued to decrease as Tim moved away from me and I moved into my new “healed life”. We continued to wear the white gold rings and still saw each other but not as often. The moving apart did hurt but it was also supposed to be an aspect of my healing.
Tim did indeed continue as my mentor in many areas of my life expanding my background in literature by giving me a reading list and discussing books with me and discussing other things with me. In all areas of my sexuality he was my mentor and guide. I was supposed to be moving closer and closer to “Father”.
In the fall of 1983 I was back in school and Tim set up a specific time for us to be together. It was nighttime and Tim had a certain spot picked out and this was a significant date for Tim, but not for me. In other words he made it clear to me that what we had to do, we had to do at this time and on this date. I don’t remember the why’s of it. It struck me as unusual in this phase of our relationship when we were supposed to be treating our friendship as more ordinary and less spectacular but this was important to him and he had to do it.
So we drove on this quiet road above a beach in Southern California and pulled off under a tree, and we sat in his small car and he gave me a piece of paper with typing on it. He told me this was the revelation he had received from God directing him to come into my life, how to do it and what he had to do to accomplish healing my homosexuality. I was touched but a little confused as to why he was giving this to me at this time. He had told me about this revelation in many ways and in many forms for months. I was a little annoyed because this piece of very important and significant information wasn’t signed. Something that Tim did periodically was give me important notes and messages and not sign them. I had no idea why he wouldn’t sign them, it just seemed rude to me to send someone a letter telling them how much you cared or loved them, what they meant to you and not sign it. When I asked about his lack of signatures he would say things like what is in a name, this from a man who found significance in how a stamp was placed on a letter; but it was in reference to the lack of his personal importance or so he said. It would take a few more years for me to see why not putting his name on many of his correspondences with me was quite clever on his part. I was not very sophisticated in the ways of the world.
I share this story with you to show the elaborateness of Tim Cook’s manipulations and the extent that he was willing to go to any length to use the spiritual precepts of Mormonism in his sexual ploys and ritualized abuse. I am not sure if what it shows is the extent of his planning or his own delusions. Regardless, I was given a copy of a revelation received by a prominent Leader in the Mormon Church regarding how he was to come into my life and help cure me of my homosexuality. He had received this revelation prior to his inviting me to lunch in March, 1983. Why he waited until the fall to give it to me I don’t know, but that is when I received it.
In many ways I wish this story could end here, if it had many other innocent people would have avoided being hurt and abused.
You can't save your Ass and your Face at the same time. (Anonymous)
And given the choice I will save my ass first everytime(STC)