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#212964 - 03/25/08 11:32 AM The Special Someone
arronb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Perth
"There is melancholy in the wind and sorrow in the grass" (Charles Kuralt).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THtMy57rtlE&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PwpZVlOumc

Doing this recovery thing, thinking on the people who have been in my life, brings me a lot of sadness at what I've lost. All the people who, for one reason or another, couldn't get thru the walls I built.

I have read some here have a special someone from the 'dark' times who they hold in there memories with great affection.

For me it was Anthony, we grew up together, went to school together, looked out for each other and had a 'relationship' that spanned 25 yrs. When everyone else looked the other way, he saw, he knew and he understood. At the same time I was living my horror at home, he was suffering the same, thanks to the CC.

When I needed someone, he was always there.
When my son died, he comforted me. When I was spaced out on drugs, he made sure I stayed safe. When my marraiges crumbled, he picked me up and brought me back home. When I went thru my meltdown, he was the only one who came to visit me. Thru all the good times, all the bad times, he was the only constant.

The last time I saw him, we had a big fight over my transgressions, and I cut him out of my life. Like I had done so many times before over those 25 years. He died 12 yrs ago, before I could ask for his forgiveness, I didn't know he'd died until almost 6 months after his passing. God I was such a fool.

Whenever I hear these two songs I always think of him.

_________________________
Keep Smilin'
arronb

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#212971 - 03/25/08 11:57 AM Re: The Special Someone [Re: arronb]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
arronb

Those two songs are very beautiful, i dont think you would ever need to ask for his forgiveness. Whatever happened he would still of cared for you.

So sorry for you, i have been in that type of situation and it still hurts today.

Sorry cant say anymore, your post hit me hard. will be thinking of you.

Ben


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#212974 - 03/25/08 12:05 PM Re: The Special Someone [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Arron,
I so grieve with with you. I turned away several friends like that because I just could not believe that anyone could really want to be my friend if they knew me. I felt it was better for me to slam that door first on them than risk having it slammed in my face later after I had my hopes up. He sounds like a great friend and a great loss and I am very sorry that his is gone from you now. It seems you have grown and learned though as your reaching out and making friends here. One of which I hope lasts a very long long time.


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#212997 - 03/25/08 02:10 PM Re: The Special Someone [Re: arronb]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Arron,

I left a lot of my oldest friends out of my life after my wife died five years ago. I left the rest of them after I came out four years ago. I just don't know what I'd say to them. I'm not embarrassed about who I am, I'm just not willing to subject myself to their disapproval. I've always been so conscious of what other people thought of me, it hurts me to know that someone could dislike me because of who I am now. I feel that I am finally becoming my authentic self, I feel whole now.

This post is interesting to me and might even help me rekindle some of the friendships that I had in the past. Some might falter, some might blossom, some people might hate me, some people might be very accepting; but if I don't try I'll never know will I? I'll have to adjust my expectations and just do it.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#213189 - 03/26/08 10:16 AM Re: The Special Someone [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
arronb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Perth
Hello Ben

I am sorry if my post caused you to remember past hurts.
You are very right, Anthony had an amazing gift in being able to forgive me for the many things I did to hurt him. I'm sure if we had been given the time, he would have done so again.

He too had his issues with csa, and we often locked heads, but ultimately he and I always connected. Trouble was I was not capable back then of accepting that he loved me.

He has been gone for 12 yrs, and thru my recovery work, I am just realizing what it is that I lost, and that saddens me.

But the overwhelming feeling I get now when I think about him is the feeling that I was loved. And that is worth so much to me now.

_________________________
Keep Smilin'
arronb

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#213191 - 03/26/08 10:31 AM Re: The Special Someone [Re: Freedom49]
arronb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Perth
Hi Roger ...

Slamming doors on people is was my speciality ...
I didn't need much to completely shut someone out either if
I felt they were getting to close,

I hope I am learning and growing, thru trail and error,
and with the help of some new friends \:\) it can only get better.

_________________________
Keep Smilin'
arronb

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#213195 - 03/26/08 10:52 AM Re: The Special Someone [Re: Stephen_5]
arronb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Perth
Hi Steve,

Trusting people is still an issue I am working on, it's getting (dare I say it) easier. I have always told myself if people knew some of the things I kept secret they'd see the real me and be disgusted ... learning now that was never the real me, and well the world hasn't caved in yet, so yes I agree with you, if you don't try you never know.

I hope all those old friendships are rekindled, and if not they are the ones who are missing out, cause a man who is authentic, is man worth knowing \:\)

_________________________
Keep Smilin'
arronb

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#213514 - 03/27/08 03:04 PM Re: The Special Someone [Re: arronb]
Calanthe Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/24/08
Posts: 109
Loc: California
Hi Arron,

Thanks for sharing about this important person in your life and for explaining were you are at in your own grieving process. I do understand. Your post certainly brought to mind several people who were important to me in my life but for one reason or another could not complete the journey with me (so few are actually meant too, sigh.. not to take away from your current pain).

When I was early in recovery from one of my many addictions I went through a similar period of being overwhelmed by the loss of those I had loved and I as walked through and struggled through my grief a very wise and kind mentor (LOL, he would die to hear himself described that way but that is how he always treated me) suggested I might look at these relationship in a different way. I of course thought he was out of his mind, so sure was I that there was no other way to look at a lost love and his next suggestion confirmed for me his failing mental faculties he suggested I pray for a new way to look at these lost loved ones (praying being one of the very last things I was willing to do). But regardless of my thoughts on prayer, I was at the point were I was willing to do anything to avoid the pain, so I sent out a very haphazard request to the universe at large for a new way to look at these relationships and it didnít take long for the thought occur to me that maybe I could be grateful for them instead of sad about not having them and that thought allowed me to hold and honor these lost loved ones in a new way.

I am not saying you should be grateful for these lost loved ones. One you are early in your grieving process and I do not mean to take away from your pain and two gratitude is my lesson not yours. All I am saying is when you are done with the painful part of grieving you may be able to find a new way to hold and honor these loved ones. That was my experience. I have never stopped missing some of there people (and never will). But at the same time I try to remind myself to cherish all they brought into my life and rejoice in the simple pleasure of having known them.

Good luck on your journey and on your healing,

Scott

_________________________
You can't save your Ass and your Face at the same time. (Anonymous)

And given the choice I will save my ass first everytime(STC)

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#213611 - 03/27/08 09:51 PM Re: The Special Someone [Re: Calanthe]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Aaronb;

We've chatted before, and I respect and enjoy your attitude and perspective. I'm sorry I've been absent lately, but life is busy right now.

This post struck me hard, because I have a similar story but with a twist. I also had a 'special friend' who was my entire life for almost 8 years before we seperated. I was 15 and he was only a year older when our relationship ended.

First loves are a hard act to follow. There is never the chance for the 'first' this or that, the excitement of discovering something for the first time with someone else. I tried to replace Tony for the better part of 3 decades, and I'm not sure I ever really got over him.

Two years after the last time I saw Tony, a mutual friend told me that he had comitted suicide. I was devastated, thinking that it was my fault. I knew how my CSA had taken over my life, I could only imagine that is what caused him to take his life. I spent another decade or so reconcilling all of this; convincing myself that I was not to blame, that there was nothing that I could have reasonable been expected to do differently. We were both victims. Z always dream about Tony, but I finally learned to put it into perspective.

That is, until a couple of months ago when I learned that I was misled and Tony is still alive and well, livesq in a town 40 miles from where I live. It was the shock of my life. I stuggle everyday with the dilemma; should I contact him? Or should I leave well enough alone and not disturbe those sleeping dogs? I don't know to this day, and it's always on my mind.

I'm sorry for your lost love. I'm sorry you didn't have a chance to tell him how you felt and how much he meant to you. I used to be in your shoes, but now I have a second chance. Please let me ask you;

If you discovered that Anthony was still alive after all... what would you say to him??? I choke up even thinking about it. Do you have any suggestions? I'm sorry for what you had and lost. I had it and lost it too, but maybe have found it once again. I don't want to start up a relationship, but I'd like to talk to him, explain some things, and apologize. But it's been 32 years since I've seen him; do I have the right to open this Pandora's Box???

I'm sorry to take this and make it about me. I know you are hurting, and I wish I had some words that would make you feel better, but personally, I have my own issues that make that complicated. I don't know how I can help you, but could you help me? How can I tell him what I NEED to tell him?

I'm sorry, too many tears to continue. Thank you for your post.

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#213693 - 03/28/08 10:15 AM Re: The Special Someone [Re: arronb]
dking777 Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 94
Loc: CA
Originally Posted By: arronb

The last time I saw him, we had a big fight over my transgressions, and I cut him out of my life. Like I had done so many times before over those 25 years. He died 12 yrs ago, before I could ask for his forgiveness, I didnt know hed died until almost 6 months after his passing. God I was such a fool.


Hey arronb,
Your quote in your signature reminded me of a friend from my own past.



Edited by dking777 (10/25/09 01:28 AM)
_________________________
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

Bittersweet Symphony

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