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#21283 - 11/18/02 01:54 PM feeling very wrong *trigger*
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
Those who know my story know that I have decided to get a vasectomy after much debate. I suppose I actually knew in my heart where those doubts were coming from, but even now it makes me sick to actually say the words. Somewhere along the way, my feelings and relationship have gotten all twisted up. I am unsure whether I have grown into someone new, or whether I have always deceived myself.

It began in the last months of her pregnancy. My wife was big, and very uncomfortable. Sleep didnít come easy, and she was always tired. Needless to say, sex disappeared from our lives, and I relaxed the stringent guidelines I had set for masturbation. I gave up all hope for her meeting my needs, and sought relief as I had to. We have always been opposites in general, but suddenly we seem even more so. She stays up late, and sleeps late, while I work early and sleep early. By the time she comes to bed, I am fast asleep. We never make love any more, and I have drifted deeper into taking care of my own needs, and further from her. Somewhere in there, the fire for her has gone out in my heart. It chokes me to say, but I have stopped loving her.

As we made love, it was like standing outside of myself watching. I was numb, and going through the motions. All the passion behind it was gone, and I didnít really even want to be with her. If we never made love again, it wouldnít bother me that much, and I feel awful for feeling that way.

There is a lot behind all of this. I was molested at six, and became hypersexual afterward. Then when my father began controlling and abusing me, I turned to sex to escape. I have lived my entire adult life as a sex-addict, until three years ago when I sought help and began the road to healing. Making things harder was the discovery that I was molested, and had blocked that out for all these years. I began questioning everything about my life, and suddenly realized that I was in this marriage because I needed to be. I needed validated, needed to feel loved, and needed the sex. My entire relationship was based on addiction, and not love at all, or at least I began asking my self this. I am unsure how and what I feel, and donít trust what I think any more.

This is the lowest I have been since admitting that I was an addict. Our son is three months now, and sex hasnít returned to our lives. I have become resentful toward my wife, and now masturbate as much to deny her sex as anything.

I love my children more than life, and refuse to leave and become a weekend dad. I refuse to watch some other man raise my boys as his own. As a Christian, I see only two reasons for ending a marriage, adultery and being kept from serving God by a relationship. Our marriage violates neither of these. For all these reasons, I will stay, and I will keep my mouth shut. To say that I stopped loving her would destroy us, and instead I quietly endure. It isnít that I expect any magic solution to all of this, it just helps to vent in some way. Even if she had committed adultery or some such thing, I would stay for the kids. I see no way out of the trap I am in, and regret ever unearthing my past. It was better left buried.

Oh, for a long time, I told my self and the world how great our relationship was. Looking in, it would appear to be that way. I suppose many even envy us, and that strikes me as funny because I know what is in my heart. I am writing this as much to be totally honest with my self, as to share with anyone. I cannot tell you how much it hurts to finally look at my life and admit that I am living a mistake. Once more it was easier to deceive myself than to face breaking up with her before the baby. Now I can see no way possible but to endure, and to smile about the lot I have drawn.

I think she senses something is wrong, and has even asked. How do you look at the woman your married to, and share children with, and say that you donít love her any more? I will endure, and will fight and die to protect them all, and I can never admit to her how I really feel. They deserve better. I have an appointment to resume therapy again, where I hope to find relief from all that is eating at me. Pray for me if you do that, and keep me in your thoughts.

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#21284 - 11/18/02 03:30 PM Re: feeling very wrong *trigger*
Ken Followell Offline
President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 990
Loc: Bradenton, FL
Zadok,

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. I understand all the questioning you are going through and have gone through. I have dealt with many of the same questions.

I would however urge you not to settle for enduring your marriage. In addition to being a noun, love is also a verb and as with any action, you can choose to do it. Try to find a way to love the woman you are married to. I am praying that not only will you have the strength to remain in this marriage for your boys, but that you will also have the strength to love love your wife again.

Seek help if you need it or this. You cannot stay in a relationship you are only enduring without both your wife and your children knowing and resenting it. Both you and your wife desire to be loved, I pray you find a way to give that to each other.

Ken

_________________________
Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
ÔŅĹ Rabbi Hillel

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#21285 - 11/18/02 05:11 PM Re: feeling very wrong *trigger*
RickL Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/02
Posts: 84
Loc: Oregon
Wow Zadok,

Are we related?
I too grew up with a controlling father (in fact he was the one who abused me when I was very little). I too found the drug of masturbation as a teenager and made an alliance with this "drug" that continues to this day.

The woman I married was the only one I ever fell in love with. And we too, were in the same church. Many people would have looked upon us from the outside as a "together" marriage.
But I realize that I married out of need--she was going to be the one to cure my confused sexuality, cure my lonliness, and help me feel "normal". Well, that's a hell of a lot to put on a spouse!

We bumped along, but by and large, I felt like we had a real marriage, despite the problems. Then she got pregnant with our son (which in itself was a gift from God, because her ovulation was irregular). She decided, unilaterally, that sex was off, in order to protect "the purity of gestation". And of course, sex was off after the baby was born too because she never wanted it.

The baby was very consuming, (he's 11 now, and we both still love him very much). But with parenthood, something changed. The message from her to me seemed to be "I've got what I really wanted, now you can go away". And that's what happened, gradually over the next 6 years. A sort of "spiritual" divorce.

We did try some marriage counseling, but I had a very shallow knowledge and awareness of my abuse issues. She didn't like the marriage counselor, so we stopped going. 6 months later, she said she was ready to move out. She had floated that idea by me a year before, and I freaked out. How could we do this? We have a child! (I was also feeling like the world would end, and my fear of abandonment was palpable). But when she said it this time, I saw the handwriting on the wall.

This was 5 years ago, but the years since then have been filled with lots of personal and spiritual growth for me, out of necessity and pain. In our decision to separate (and ultimately divorce) we reasoned this way: would it be better for our son to have modeled a mom and dad going through the "motions" of being a family? And being deeply unhappy? Would we want him to think of this as "love"? We each had poor parenting models of our own, and to pass on the "pretend everything is alright" when it clearly wasn't, was something less palatable than the breakup of our marriage.

We committed to never "poisoning the well" when it came to the relationship we still must have because of him. We are cordial and respectful of each other.

I've been in therapy for 5 years, and it has just been the last year that I have delved much more deeply into what the meaning and effects of my early sexual abuse have meant. With that, there has been a lot of insight and growth. I have little victories, but at the moment, I'm struggling (I hate this time of year!). I have bouts of depression, but that has been lifelong. I'm sorting out the difference between "love" and needing someone to help me feel better about myself. It's a journey that feels quite lonely at times, but made less so by MaleSurvivor.

I don't know what is ultimately in store for you, but I entirely empathize with everything you have written. If it helps, feel free to contact me via private message.

Rick


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#21286 - 11/18/02 05:18 PM Re: feeling very wrong *trigger*
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Zadok:

Praying for you & yours. Check your private messages when you can.

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#21287 - 11/18/02 07:24 PM Re: feeling very wrong *trigger*
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Zadok
there was a long period of time when I believed I was in that kind of "enduring" marriage - for exactly the same reasons, only we have no children.

But for me the process from victim to survivor would have been impossible without her understanding, and eventually I realised it was because she loved me, and I learned to love her back once again.

Without that happening I hope that we would have had the guts to part, however hard it would have been.
I, and her, have seen too many marriages drag on without love. For me my parents were, still are, the the thing I want to avoid.
I know an old man of over 80 who dreams of pushing his wife down the stairs, what it must be like to be that old and filled with such regret and bitterness I can't imagine.

Keep your therapy going at all costs, deal with your history. And if she loves you - which you don't say either way - then as you change and begin to think without the cloud of the abuse in the way, you might find a new woman beside you.

Abuse, depression and all the other stuff clouds our judgements - don't let those judgements become facts.

Thinking about you
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#21288 - 11/18/02 08:24 PM Re: feeling very wrong *trigger*
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Zadok,

Unless you have a very good reason for getting a vasectomy I sue would not do that. Still pretty difficult to reverse and you might feel kind of mutilated. There is a reason I say that and I can tell you if you want to know.

Did you ever truly love your wife? Do you know if she ever truly loved you? If real love was there it is possible to get it back if you both work on it.

Does your wife know how you feel? Have you talked over what the lack of love making has done to your spirit?

I agree that kids deserve parents who love each other and who as a team nurture them. They are very perceptive, they know if you do not love each other--and that can scare them. If Mom and Dad don't love each other, will they stop loving us?

It is good you are getting therapy. You have been deeply harmed. But you have come through it. I pray that you and your wife can come through this too.

You mentioned that you are a christian. Ask God to give you the blessings God promised you on your wedding day--it just might help.

Peace be with you.

You are fortunate to be a Daddy!

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#21289 - 11/19/02 12:58 AM Re: feeling very wrong *trigger*
needhelp Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/25/01
Posts: 7
Loc: Denver, CO
Zadok,

Reading your post brought flashback of my life story. I have a long history of SA from age 6 till adulthood. The main reason that I got married was to stop acting out. It helped some but did not stop it totally. I resented my wife, asking her repeadly why she married me (I never thought anyone would want me). She knew there was no love from my side but did not give up on me. Our sex life was sparse and I would go through the motions just to satisfy hre. I gave her a very hard time during the first couple years of our marriage. I realized it was not fair for me to treat her that way. I started to put effort in the relationship and to open up a little bit (some therapy helped). She now knows that something happened in my childhood and pretty much suspects SA although we never talked about it. I have a 2 years old son and 4 1/2 years of marriage.
I am willing to dedicate my life to my family and give my son the family life every person deserves. This requires a lot of sacrifice and importantly love between parents. I am determined to find that love, for me, for my wife, and for my children. I pray to God to give me the strength to achieve that.

Hang in there,

Adam


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#21290 - 11/19/02 09:30 AM Re: feeling very wrong *trigger*
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
Thank you all. I feel that many of you know exactly what I am struggling with, and you have given me a lot to think about. Kenf, thank you for your prayers, and I am working very hard right now. Rickl, I am sorry for your divorce, but glad you are making progress. I guess the most frustrating thing now is that I donít even know what to feel or think. For years, I hid that first encounter from my self. It wasnít forced, it wasnít violent, and I enjoyed every moment enough to continue it the rest of my life. When I first started recovery, I told myself that it was fun and consensual. Many times as a teen I bragged on my experiences. Only now can I see the real damage, and how it has worked into every aspect of my life. It is like I cannot trust my emotions any more. I guess to say that I donít love her isnít right, more accurately, I donít know what I feel. I just donít feel what I think I should. The more I delve into my past, and review the present, the more I question everything. For example, the vasectomy I am getting caused me much heartache at first. My wife and I finally sat down and talked. I voiced my concerns in terms that I felt wouldnít harm our marriage. I told her that if something happened to us I might want more children. She left it up to me, and after I felt that I had been heard, and thought it over, I settled on doing it. Not because she wanted it, but because I wanted it. What making that decision did was make me question my future and my feelings for the first time. For six years I have thought myself perfectly happy, and suddenly I realized that maybe I wasnít as happy as I thought. The one thing that addiction has made me very good at is lying to myself, and the ones closest to me. Was I lying to myself when I thought I loved her? I look inside now, and I donít feel close to her. I feel aloof and distant. Yet, I look back to last night as we sat around playing with the baby and our older boy. I look at sitting around the dinner table talking. I look at holding the baby on my lap, and making fun of the way he acted, and how my wife and I laughed and joked about it. I look at talking over holiday plans, and listening to her talk and react with the kids. I think that life doesnít get better than that. I am just a total wreck since labeling myself abused. I was finally stable after admitting to being an addict, and then I uncovered the deeper truth. Then funny thing is that I donít feel hate or anger toward the boy who molested me, or my father for abusing me. I reserve all that grief and anger for myself. Its funny, but I have no problem hating my self, but because it doesnít fit my values, I wont hate anyone else. A good Christian doesnít hate people, he forgives, so why is it so hard to forgive my self? Oh well, I suppose you have all been here to. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts. I feel better just talking to people who can understand.

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#21291 - 11/19/02 01:16 PM Re: feeling very wrong *trigger*
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Zadok

Quote:
Only now can I see the real damage, and how it has worked into every aspect of my life.
Quote:
Then funny thing is that I donít feel hate or anger toward the boy who molested me, or my father for abusing me. I reserve all that grief and anger for myself. Its funny, but I have no problem hating my self, but because it doesnít fit my values, I wont hate anyone else. A good Christian doesnít hate people, he forgives, so why is it so hard to forgive my self?
For years we believe we can figure it out all by ourselves, after all we're reasonably smart people aren't we, we all think we know what's best for us ?
But I realise now, with the benefit of hindsight, that all I did was think in circles.

I knew I had problems, and I thought all I had to do was forget about them and they'd go away.
Fat chance !!
Every time I acted out I said to myself "never again" but a few days later I was at it again.
I just could not figure out why I couldn't make myself stop and become 'normal'

All every time I tried I was coming to the same answers for the same old problems, and it took over 30 years for me to figure out that those answers were a load of rubbish.
It took therapy and a lot of work to get the right answers, and I had them all along. The therapist didn't give them to me, he just encouraged me to look at the old problem in a different way, and more importantly to allow myself to feel and display the emotions that went with all that I was feeling.
Once I found my new answers the whole history of my abuse and the years of grief it gave me slowly gained a new perspective, one that I could deal with.

And in the process I learnt to use these new tricks to deal my normal everyday life, I began to love my wife again, trust my friends and, most importantly, lose the hate I had for myself and begin to love myself, possibly for the first time in my life.

Abuse plays tricks on us, we get hung up on the lies we were told at an early age. The time when we are imprinting our minds. And if we learn the wrong things then we stay in that mind set until WE make the effort to escape.

It's a big job, but it's worth every scrap of effort.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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