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#21274 - 02/05/04 06:08 PM What I'm missing
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
Watching a movie this afternoon made me realize some of the things I am missing. I missed out on having loving parents, seeing loving parents with their kids on the streets makes me cry and ask 'why not me?' I miss having people who care about me, I am too scared to let people close enough to care. I miss out on self-confidence and self-worth. I miss out on so much because of my past, and being hurt so badly that it makes me feel even more depressed and sad, but everywhere you look there are reminders of what I wish I had and what I miss out on, all because of the evil SOB's who have hurt me. How can I become less bothered by everything? How can I move past all the hurt, and all the pain and all the fear? I have even missed out on myself, I don't even know who I am anymore, or what I enjoy. Who am I? Why am I? All questions that have been brought up today. All questions I yearn to find the answers to. WHy do I deserve all this, what phenominal sin did I ever commit to deserve this all? Why do I have to hear these voices all the time, telling me how bad I am and how much I should hurt and why I should no longer live? At least my doctors have me on two medicines to try to help them stop. Why? Why? Why? and Who? I can't even imagine who I am anymore, and that is so depressing and has made me cry, all because I don't know who I am or what I am passionate about. I just feel like I have missed out on so much. Sorry to post this and rant like this.

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#21275 - 02/05/04 06:21 PM Re: What I'm missing
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
scott,
i hear myself in every word you have uttered here. i don't know if we will ever find the answers we are looking for in the truest sense of the meaning. in my more coherent moments, i realize that in the end answers really are not the holy grail of what we seek. to me, it seems that what i really want is to find peace. i want to be able to walk my journey confident in the knowledge that i have done all i could to be the best human being i could be without the crap as my cape. if answers are given to me along the way, i will receive these with joy and gratitude, but i just want peace from the nightmare...a peace that i have earned by facing the horror down and then walking away from it.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#21276 - 02/05/04 06:51 PM Re: What I'm missing
Printer57 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/21/04
Posts: 22
Loc: anytown, USA
Scott,
a couple of things...
who are you? You are Scott.
What did you do to deserve this? NOTHING. You are a victim. Why are there victims, I don't know too a big a question for me to tackle.
You know who else you are Scott? You are a survivor.
Believe in that. When your life sucks, and it will just like mine does at times and just like it does for all the others here who are survivors, you survived. You had the strength to survive the horror. You are struggling, but in that struggle you are showing everyone Scott that your life is worth fighting for. Believe that. Its the truth.
Take your meds, listen to your docs, keep posting here, but know that you are among the strongest of men b/c you are still here, and even though we might never know why all that happened to us happened, in the end Scott, You made it.
Peace be with you Scott and with the rest of us as well.
Printer


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#21277 - 02/06/04 09:17 PM Re: What I'm missing
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
Theo, you may be right, perhaps all I am really looking for is peace and the ability to confidently walk through life. I hope that is attainable, because right now it seems like it may be out of reach.

You are right printer, I am me, and I am a survivor, I need to remember I am a survivor, but the hard thing is I just don't know who I am, I know I am 'scott' but I honestly don't know who that is anymore, but hopefully in time I can find who I am.

Thank you both for responding.

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#21278 - 02/07/04 06:38 PM Re: What I'm missing
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Scott - I've read this topic a few times now and have wanted to respond, but found it difficult until now.

The reason - well it's just a few weeks since I started to step away from a lot of those feelings. I always had the thought in my head that I had lost so much (and I have)...the voices in my head were just running round and round like a bad record that got stuck & never stopped playing.

Now that I've started talking about things properly, the voices have almost stopped. I do still have that emptiness sometimes, but it's more of a silence, which is much better than the noise.

We can't replace what we have lost, so we have to build something new. That's not going to be easy, but when you think about it, the people here are some of the strongest people on the planet! We can use that strength to rebuild our lives. There are good people that will support us in our endeavours, reach out to them.

Scott - have faith in yourself...best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#21279 - 02/07/04 06:47 PM Re: What I'm missing
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Scott - just to add a little more.

Since I opened up to my friends, some of them have opened up to me. It's strange for me to think about, that although none of them have been abused, they don't always have clarity of direction either. They don't know if they are in the correct job/career. If they should have been with a different partner. If they should have had kids sooner/later. If they have made mistakes in their life choices.

So you see Scott - it's not just us....'normal people' have some of our issues as well.

It shouldn't make us feel better to know that others can also feel bad, but what it does indicate is that apart from one factor, we are more 'normal' than we think.

Sorry if I sound like some sort of philosopher.

Best wishes again ..Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#21280 - 02/07/04 09:19 PM Re: What I'm missing
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Scott

We missed out on so much, but look what's left ?
This is a favorite passage of mine from a very powerful book, and it reminds me of what I have, where I'm going and what I have to look forward to.

Quote:
From the book "America is me." by ER. Frank.

The central character is a SA survivor about 20yo who's just decided to accept Therapy.

"....like how when you're a kid you don't know squat, and by the time you get older and figure out what you could have done and what you should have done and what everybody else could have done and should have done, it's too damned late. So; can have a lot of regrets if you're not careful.
And how all that messed up my head so deep, it convinced me for a little bit of a while that maybe I should die before I hit 18, just to show them how bad I was feeling.
And now ? Now I don't know what all happened. But I'm thinking damn, I'm here, I'm alive. What next ?
Dave \:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#21281 - 02/08/04 01:34 AM Re: What I'm missing
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Scott,

I can recognize that you feel you are missing on some things. I feel same also. I can look at everything in my life, and think of what I am missing. But then I think, okay, it is truth, I will never have what was missing in past. F*ck it. I move on. I will make up for what I miss in past by being better in present and future. I will be the father to my children that I did not have of my own. I will be the security and safety to my wife, to my children, to my friends and family, that I did not have of my own. I will be what I have been missing in past. I know that you can be also, my friend.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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