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#212453 - 03/23/08 10:47 AM Afraid 2 Be Me - A New Reality *** Triggers ***
arronb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Perth
I have had recent memories that convince me that my abuse started before I thought it had when my cousin arrived on the scene when I was 10 … I now believe that I was being sexually abuse at least as early as 8 years old. It throws everything I know out of kilter and is very upsetting … trying superficial things to keep me up, works for a day at best … I wanna lay down and wake up with a new reality.

My dad and brother both ragged on me for being gay even tho they both were fucking me.
My Dad in particular really hammered into me that being gay was wrong, after I disclosed to Mum about my cousin, my Dad started bashing shit out of me, saying he was gonna teach me what it was to be a man, and when he was kicking the shit out of me he’d be screaming at me “if you turn faggot I’ll kill ya” The whole time he was fuckin with me he was telling me what a slut and whore I had become, that all I was good for was fucking and sucking, that I was nothing but a fucking poofter.

When he’d come home drunk, I would run and hide until I thought he passed out. If I came home and he wasn’t out to it, he’d really lay into me for ‘running like a fucking faggot’. I stopped running. When I heard the car pull up I would just go to my room and wait. If he came in and I was hunched in a corner, he’d kick me in the back and/or literally piss all over me. I then would have to clean up his mess or face another bashing. In the end I found that if I just stood there and waited for him to come to my room he’d be less violent towards me. The first time I sucked him I had been cowering in my room and I knew what he was going to do, so instead of letting him piss on me I reached out and grabbed his cock and put it in my mouth.

I have never told anyone that before, I have always told the version that is in my survivor post.
I blamed myself for turning gay & initiating the sex with my cousin, father & brother. I grew up being terrorified of being gay, I tried to convince myself I wasn’t. The more I worried about it, the more I got depressed, the more depressed I got the more sex I looked for. I was 13 and looking for sex to relieve my depression, in high school I was the butt of everyones taunts, I couldn’t defend myself because I knew what they were saying was true. It was not long after that I tried to kill myself for the first time. I rode my bike deliberately in front of a car, I ended up with a broken leg and cuts & bruises.

I lived for years thinking, believing I started this, and now its wrong, I am wrong … it should be a good thing, I don’t feel good tho … I don’t even know why I wrote this, I am down today, I guess the morose comes out when things go badly. Old habits resurface.

Trying to remember the blame isn’t mine, that guilt was implanted to control me. They did a fucking a good job. I wrote this so that I realize the shit I lived wasn’t my fault, my life is good, I am proud of who I am (sometimes LOL) yet it doesn’t feel good.




Edited by arronb (03/23/08 11:13 AM)
_________________________
Keep Smilin'
arronb

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#212474 - 03/23/08 12:32 PM Re: Afraid 2 Be Me - A New Reality *** Triggers *** [Re: arronb]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Arronb,

I am so proud of you!!! You shared another secret today.

The things that I have found the most helpful to me are:

*Breaking down the walls we build to protect our secrets.

*Being honest with myself about the abuse and it's effects.

*Telling my secrets, no matter how frightened I am.

*Secrets take a lot of mental energy to keep.


These steps have freed space in my mind, to begin accepting the reality that the abuse wasn't my fault.

By sharing the detail that you did today, you now have a little more mental space. It can be a real step forward because you no longer need to protect that secret. As you break down more "walls" you can continue to focus your energy on the future.

Telling is healing!!!!

Also, after 20 years of being "out", I have found that being gay is just like being straight, except under the sheets. We all love and hurt, struggle with careers, fight finacial problems and search for the right relationship. We just look for another man, while THEY look for a woman. LOL

Be proud if you want, but remember life is life, it doesn't have to feel good all the time. Just be glad to continue to live it.

Luv ya,
Carl







_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#212537 - 03/23/08 05:38 PM Re: Afraid 2 Be Me - A New Reality *** Triggers *** [Re: arronb]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State

Arron,

I am soooo proud of you. You have accepted that none of this was your fault. (mostly accepted anyway) I know there are lots of emotions going through you. You have sex or are attracted to sex that way now not because you were necessarily born gay but because you were trained to respond that way. You can be happy and have whatever you want in life. The rest of your life is yours to keep and do as you please.

You dad and your Brother were the sick ones and they knew it. They could not stand it so they took it out on you. You represented the self hate they felt inside. I am so sorry that they hurt you like that and made you feel that way. I am really glad you were able to open up and tell on them!! Your story says a whole lot about how bad they were and how wonderful you were.

You did what you had to do to survive. You searched out the sex you did because you needed to understand and make sense of an out of control situation. It was not your fault. Then and now. Your becoming still the man you really want to be and I am proud to know you and call you brother. Take your life any direction you want. With the telling you are freeing yourself from the past and opening up your future.
Now go have some ice cream!


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#212539 - 03/23/08 05:53 PM Re: Afraid 2 Be Me - A New Reality *** Triggers *** [Re: Scoutvictim]
arronb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Perth
Be Good, Don't cry, Just do what he wants & it'll soon be over ... words to live by provided by the one I loved most until recently ... good one ma, it's what every 8 yr old needs to know.

Carl thank you for some wise words ...

I apologize for the vulgarity of my post, I thought about editing it, if only we could do that in reality. It's been out here for a while now and I haven't come running back to delete it, so I take that as a sign it was time to get it out of my head. 30 years of carrying that around, think that is long enough. I think it's safe to say that the golden shower is a beautiful tree, but isn't a topic I will be discussing anytime soon \:\) (oh come on, laugh ... that was bloody funny)

Timing is eveything, what better time than Easter Sunday to start trying to resurrect what's left of my self-esteem.

Raffaman is alive (but a work in progress)
I am invincible !!!

(Nobody has to understand that last bit, but for those who do, I thank you)






_________________________
Keep Smilin'
arronb

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#212546 - 03/23/08 06:00 PM Re: Afraid 2 Be Me - A New Reality *** Triggers *** [Re: Freedom49]
arronb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Perth
Hey Roger,

Encouragement & sound advice from a true gentleman prodded me,
Thanks \:\)

Icecream sounds good

_________________________
Keep Smilin'
arronb

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#212580 - 03/23/08 08:14 PM Re: Afraid 2 Be Me - A New Reality *** Triggers *** [Re: arronb]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Arronb,

Congratulations! And your post was not vulgar - what happened to you was... but your post was the truth. Happy resurrection and I hope this next part of your journey leads to unexcelled healing!

It is a good reminder to all of us who blame ourselves for doing something to ellicit the abuse - it was not our faults... none of it.

Thank you so much for your post.

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#212688 - 03/24/08 11:10 AM Re: Afraid 2 Be Me - A New Reality *** Triggers *** [Re: dannym]
arronb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Perth
Hello Dan

You are right. It wasn't our fault,
it never was and personally it took
me a long time to realize it,
but I have now and I feel a huge burden has lifted.

Still lots of work to go,
but the road to recovery got
a little bit easier yesterday.

_________________________
Keep Smilin'
arronb

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