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#212618 - 03/23/08 10:14 PM fear / ambivilance / balance
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
I don't want to go on and on about how it is to be in a relationship yet why does it have to be so hard to speak up to the lady i love....

is it fear

is it legit

am i legit

is it something i need to work at or simply accept it for what it is

nothing in my life has meant more to me in this world then lisa and lately( i am getting married in 6 months and i'm still not sure what it is and / or why i have acted the way i have lately with her

do i actually want to sabotage our life together when i am so happy

i get so furious and i'm not sure if it's lisa i am pissed at or if it's my need for control

anyway to sum things up ....what do i do...she knows alll about the sexual abuse i went through as a kid ....right down the the last detail yet for whatever reason i have this thought like i am entitled to say,act or do whatever i want...that is wrong
she does not deserve that...no one does

how can i find the "balance" so i dont lose another relationship as a result of my behavior.

this is NOT just another relationship she is my wife to be....for gods sake she's going to carry my last name ...yet i act this way like i did tonight( the details are not important) and i wonder why nothing good in my life ever lasts...i dont want to lose her....i love her to much and respect her as a lady i am crazy about but more for the genuine kind and loving human she is that i was blessed with...i am afraid...

Coop

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#212918 - 03/25/08 08:42 AM Re: fear / ambivilance / balance [Re: thecoopstah]
jcf1957 Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/11/07
Posts: 192
Loc: North Of The 49th Parallel
Coop;
I've always believe that communication, honesty, and loyalty are essential components to a valued relationship. Secure those three virtues with genuine LOVE, HUMILITY and FORGIVENESS and most relationships with last a lifetime. Perhaps you have to honestly ask yourself if your truly ready to pursue this bond of matrimony with this woman you love. Having this personal need to ("control") aspects of your relationship will never afford both of you true happiness. In the end one or both of you will end up with resentment towards one another. You said that you love and respect this woman and that your crazy about her. Then may I suggest you speak to her with your heart...not your head...but with your heart. Tell her honestly what you feel inside. You won't lose any of your masculinity. A woman wants to know what you feel about her inside her heart. Making your heart vulnerable so that she can see your true self is all that matters. Believe me, you will be a better man for doing so. Remember the three virtues I spoke about above and securing them with genuine love, humility, and forgiveness. If you can adopt these into your life you can be rest assured that the woman you love will love you more than your heart could ever desire. Hope this helps.
Chris

_________________________
No affliction nor temptation, no guilt nor power of sin, no wounded spirit nor terrified conscious should induce us to despair comfort from God.

Today well lived...makes every tomorrow a vision of Hope.
Anonymous

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#213022 - 03/25/08 03:45 PM Re: fear / ambivilance / balance [Re: jcf1957]
urntoalone Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/25/08
Posts: 1
doing all of those negative things that you are thinking about will cost you your relationship. if you have a woman that can support you and be there for you you need to figure out away to put a handelon the extra stuff....... i told my lady about my abuse not too long after i started seeing therapist..... she pretty much acted like i never told her about it, never gave her 3 small booklets to read.....


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#213035 - 03/25/08 04:59 PM Re: fear / ambivilance / balance [Re: urntoalone]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1959
Coop,

Sounds like you have a good woman who loves you for who you are. I see you as being a very fortunate man, coming from someone who wishes he could be so lucky some day.

I think what Chris said was pretty good advice, something that I hope I can remember. I think if you were able to open yourself up to your feelings and fears, you might find that your need to control or whatever might dissipate. It sounds like Lisa really cares for you, and would probably appreciate any amount of sharing you were able to provide as far as what you are feeling. I think being open and honest will prove much more effective in the long wrong than other behaviors that may be masking what you feeling. Though it sounds like you might not totally understand what it is you may be feeling, opening up might help to figure that out. This is just a thought, so take of it what might help.

Eric


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#213111 - 03/25/08 10:35 PM Re: fear / ambivilance / balance [Re: ericc]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
ppreciate your kind words more then you know...however i am a pretty lucky guy and as a matter of fact lisa and i are very open with all that goes on in our lives.

We trust each other so much that i am convinced even though i still struggle with trust that she and i have no secrets....my own insecurites are precisely that ...my self worth at times makes me feel as though i am not worthy however i damn sure know i am worthy of her love.

We understand each other comelelty even when it's scarey at times.

It is so worth it otherwise who in their right mind throw away such an amazing woman like her.

Coop

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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