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#21258 - 05/19/03 01:59 PM Journey back
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
In about 1 week, I am going to make a trip back to where it all happened, where I left much of my youth. I have been trying to prepare myself for this for some time now, still not sure if I am ready to go it alone.
The books say that if the prep is dead, kick a grave, yell out. I am not sure if there are going to be enough hours in my visit to yell all the things I have been harboring for all these years.
To my father, whom I never seemed to quite measure up to. To whom I could not tell that his brother abused me on more than one occassion that I had actually been abused at the early age of 4-5. To whom I so desperately craved some of his time instead of to "his clubs". How do I sit there knowing that my mother lies next to him also a victum of his verbal, and mental abuse and say, I forgive. I want to do this so that I can get on with my life but, the memories are so strong right now I don't know if I can say the words. I know that I must, I am 58, working hard on forgivness, and understanding what the abuse (all forms) played on my life and that of my family.
Then I need to drive 40 miles south where most of it happened, find the granite stone, spit on it, kick it and tell the bastard what he has done to my life. How my head has been so screwed up since "his party". Again, his wonderful wife lays next to him. Does she even know what the bastard did to me and probably many others? I am not sure I can forgive, I want so desperately to and I want to forget. But, that is what got me in trouble before, forgetting, allowing myself to not think about it for over 40 years.
Forgetting that after 34 years of marriage I am now alone because my head was so screwed up. Forgetting that I am on a depression med, forgetting that I abused alcohol, forgetting that my 3 children are worried about me all the time, that on 2 occassions, I seriously pondered signing off the earth. Forgetting that I lied, covered up, manipulated those around me so that they "wouldn't know". How does one forget this?, How does one stay strong, how does one finally be at peace with himself and accept responsibility for what is actually his and what is not. I am not sure I can do this alone, that I can walk up to that mans grave and say I forgive instead of you f----- up my life you bastard.
I know I need to, I need to put it to rest and keep my self esteem high, keep my focus on what is important. Let the past go and focus on the person I knew was hiding behind all the lies, guilt and shame....me.

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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#21259 - 05/19/03 02:47 PM Re: Journey back
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Ernie,

You sound like you know where you are and what you need to do. Just go easy on yourself. Forgiveness is more for you than anything else; there is nothing wrong with doing it when YOU are ready. In the meantime, this is your journey and you call the shots.

Best wishes,
Freedom

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#21260 - 05/19/03 07:28 PM Re: Journey back
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Ernie
I live close by the old country mansion that once housed the school I was abused at, I work all around the area and pass by almost daily. But the place is well hidden from the road and still gives me the creeps as I drive past the entrance.

I went back about three years ago, the place is empty now, and walked around on my own- with just my memories for company.

It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, it was emotional and I cried most of the time I was there I know. But after about 30 minutes I just drove away.

I'd got what I wanted, I'd seen the places it happened, so I knew it was real. I think I found some peace in seeing that even after 30 years very little had changed.
It re-connected me to my past, I could see where the abuse ended and the crap started.

It was a sad experience at the time, but I'm glad I went back just that once.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#21261 - 05/19/03 09:01 PM Re: Journey back
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Bob:

I did something like this over this past Christmas
vacation. If you want you can read about my experience in the thread "What a Vacation":

http://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001416#000000

Wishing you well on the journey bro. Take care.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#21262 - 05/20/03 09:01 PM Re: Journey back
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Hey, Bob, it's me, David, Mr. Guilty. Ya, I've just about taken on the guilt and shame of the world at one time or another.
I just got to tell you that it sounds like you're taking on more than you need to.
Am I way off base here when I say that the only person needing forgiveness during those years that you were abused, IS YOU. And that's only because you feel responsible for all of that. My God, man, who was the adult? Where were the other adults? Where were your protectors? And now you're going to FORGIVE

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#21263 - 05/20/03 09:17 PM Re: Journey back
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Bob--cont.

Look at me, now I'm asking you for forgiveness for hitting the wrong key and posting before I was finished. One of these days I'm gunna take that Computer Course.

What I was trying to say is that like what our brother said before me, take it easy on yourself.
Go easy on your self.
Is this quest of a trip to forgive, your idea that you've talked over with a skilled therapist, or is this something that you feel compelled to do because somehow your idea of forgiving is going to free you from the pain of the past?
Please don't go and give yourself such a "homework" assignment. Go and check things out. See how they are today. Can you be of any help to the other survivors? The others in your family who may have been/still are being affected by the abuser(s) may need some encouragement from you. That's not a homework assignment, either. But, again it's your choice--some people don't want to change things, it could be too disruptive for them.
All of this is very easy for me to say because my family is gone, my main perp is gone. My comments to you are said to reinforce the fact that you're number one and to remind you that forgiving ourselves is the hardest job.
Still feeling way too guilty after forty-five years but hearing your pain.............
David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#21264 - 05/22/03 05:47 AM Re: Journey back
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
Thank all of you for your response. I know there are going to be moments over the next week that will be hard to take but it really needs to be done. I have to try to get on with my life. The whole abuse issue has been festering for far too long and if this trip "back in time" will give me some peace then it all will be worth it.
Again, thank you for your support, there may be times next week that I wish I had this machine with me just to talk to you guys but...........will have to wait until I get back. Take care.
Bob

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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#21265 - 05/22/03 09:45 AM Re: Journey back
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Bob,

We wish you well. Do what you must.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#21266 - 05/22/03 10:06 AM Re: Journey back
KleinerSpatz Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/12/03
Posts: 15
Loc: BRD
Forgiving is a dirty word, as far as i am concerned, but of course it is every mans own choice how to deal with it. No matter what or how I feel about forgiving
if you feel it helps you, i think you should try or do that, in any way it shows you are more man than he ever was.
A final victory? perhaps?

I hope you find what you are looking for,

Erich

_________________________
Die Gedanken sind Frei!

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#21267 - 05/23/03 07:03 AM Re: Journey back
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
Erich, forgiving is a tough word when I reflect back on all that has happened, all that has been finally brought out in the open. I hope that I can do this whether screaming outloud or in my mind. I am hopeful that it will finally allow me to start to heal, to finally say, I don't have to hide, lie or minipulate anyone so that "they don't find out." They all know finally what has happened now and I know how it has effected my life. Don't know but I have to do try to do this. I need to stand at my fathers grave and say where the hell were you when I really needed you, when your brother was abusing me, I was so afraid to say anything for fear of yet another rejection or "it is all in your head" I need to stand at his brothers grave and tell him how he f***** up my life, my head and self worth for so many years. I have finally exposed him for the bastard he was. Thank you all for your support and encouragement. Be back in a week
Bob

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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#21268 - 06/03/03 09:55 AM Re: Journey back
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
Well, the journey back is completed. My emotions were so incredibly high I can't describe the feelings that went through my head. I had a long car ride prior to the anticipated stops. This gave me time to think, time to procastinate about going, time to get mad, time to cry, time to be afraid, scared to death. I don't know if I expected the dead to talk back to me or what but it was a very strange feeling.
First scheduled visit was to the grave site of my mother and father. I was alone at the cemetary and able to speak out loud, this I think helped. I was able to say the words directed at my Dad that I wanted to say for 40 years. Where the hell where you when I really needed your help, where the hell were you when your brother was molesting me, where the hell where you when I really needed a dad. I cryed, stomped his grave and finally realized that the past is the past. He wasn't there when I needed him and thats a fact. I can't change that now, but, I can prevent making the same mistake with my own children. I told him my life was a mess, my wife kicked me out, I have been all alone trying to work through all of this but was also able to say, I did it, I am stronger, I am a better person, I don't have to protect anyone, I exposed his brother for the person he really was, a child molester that stole my youth and hindered me from being the person I really am. After I calmed down, a sense of releif came over me and it remains today.....calm.
I procastinated big time about my next scheduled stop that being at the grave of the abuser, my uncle. I stalled as long as I could but finally after driving by the entry to the cemetary several times decided that I could do it.
It took a long time to find the grave site as I had never been here before. This time was good as I was again alone and was able to cry, yell out, stomp and all that went with it. When I finally found the grave site, I couldn't look at his name, I instead looked at the name of my Aunt and told her that I loved her, and was sorry for all that she had to put up with her alcholic, perverted, child molesting husband. Finally........ I did it, I wasn't sure whether to piss on his grave, kick it smash it, spit at it or a combination of everything. I chose to lob a big gobb of spit and scream out finally at the son of a bitch about what he did to me. How I harbored all of the anger, hid all of the abuse, acted out, hurt my family, lost the most precious person in my life, my wife and everything else that flooded out. I told him what a sick bastard he was for screwing up my head, my life and God knows how many other mens lives.
I was surprised when I looked at my watch to see that I had been there for an hour. As I walked to my car, I felt relief that God's justice must be being served, the man is where he belongs in the fires of hell, the fire he deserves for destroying my youth, for taking precious time, activities, and piece of mind from me for so many years.
I feel better, it helped, it helped me start to let go. I confirmed they cannot hurt me anymore, I cannot be told "its all in your head", "Its just your imagination" You are making it up", You are telling a lie, you are hiding, I am not 100% yet but sure feel a heck of alot better about me.
What the future holds who knows, I do know I am a heck of a lot stronger, I am happy with who I am. Sad that all of this has put such a strain on my family but perhaps they too can be happy that I have found some peace by finally telling it all, by speaking out to my father and uncle or at least to the symbols and spirit that is left of them.

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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#21269 - 06/03/03 10:03 AM Re: Journey back
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Bob,

It sounds like you found what you sought. Your decision to go was sound.

Congratulations. I hope your new found strength and happiness endure.

Welcome back.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#21270 - 06/03/03 10:55 AM Re: Journey back
andrew-almost52 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/02
Posts: 243
Loc: canada
Quote:
I need to put it to rest and keep my self esteem high, keep my focus on what is important. Let the past go and focus on the person I knew was hiding behind all the lies, guilt and shame....me.
It sounds like you did the job. Good for you.
Peace, Andrew


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#21271 - 06/03/03 10:56 AM Re: Journey back
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Bob WTG we are proud of you and grateful for the example you've set for us. Our perps do not have to be around or even alive for us to confront them in ways that are healthy for us. It's great to hear you've come back from this time feeling better about yourself and your truth, further into your recovery and a healthier person.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#21272 - 06/03/03 11:18 AM Re: Journey back
Tom S. Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/03
Posts: 161
Loc: Nashville, Tn
Ernie; How you react to this encounter is an indication of how adjusted your life is.
Will you allow dead people to control your anger and emotions from beyond the grave?
If you are in control go, but if it is too stressful, don't. You don't need a dead perp to relieve you of repressed anger or emotions.
Maintain control. YOU choose where and how you want to express anger or grief. Go piss on their grave if YOU choose, but don't let them draw you.
Go play golf or something instead if YOU choose, and express anger there.
YOU choose how, when and where you want to express your anger toward the perps in your life. YOU are in control, not them. YOU choose, and NEVER give any of the control away, in any facet of your life.
YOU make the choices , because YOU will pay the price for any bad ones.
Tom S.
quote: In these times of economic uncertainty, it's easy to see who is dedicated to providing quality health care, and who is chasing bucks.

_________________________
' None are so enslaved as those falsely led to believe they are actually free '

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#21273 - 06/03/03 11:16 PM Re: Journey back
RickL Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/02
Posts: 84
Loc: Oregon
Bob,

When I was in college, I was in a play where the character had deep feelings about travelling on a train, or of a train travelling down the track, or something to that effect. The Director of the play insisted that I actually go down to a local train track and touch the track, so I could feel what this character felt. I thought I could simply "go there in my head", but he insisted that I actually go and do this for real.

What you did helps me to appreciate what this Director had me do all those years ago. And it helps me appreciate the place of performing rituals in our lives. I "felt" the experience you described.

This is why I believe it will prove to have been healing--and lasting. Way to go. Thanks for sharing this with us.

Rick


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