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#21268 - 06/03/03 09:55 AM Re: Journey back
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
Well, the journey back is completed. My emotions were so incredibly high I can't describe the feelings that went through my head. I had a long car ride prior to the anticipated stops. This gave me time to think, time to procastinate about going, time to get mad, time to cry, time to be afraid, scared to death. I don't know if I expected the dead to talk back to me or what but it was a very strange feeling.
First scheduled visit was to the grave site of my mother and father. I was alone at the cemetary and able to speak out loud, this I think helped. I was able to say the words directed at my Dad that I wanted to say for 40 years. Where the hell where you when I really needed your help, where the hell were you when your brother was molesting me, where the hell where you when I really needed a dad. I cryed, stomped his grave and finally realized that the past is the past. He wasn't there when I needed him and thats a fact. I can't change that now, but, I can prevent making the same mistake with my own children. I told him my life was a mess, my wife kicked me out, I have been all alone trying to work through all of this but was also able to say, I did it, I am stronger, I am a better person, I don't have to protect anyone, I exposed his brother for the person he really was, a child molester that stole my youth and hindered me from being the person I really am. After I calmed down, a sense of releif came over me and it remains today.....calm.
I procastinated big time about my next scheduled stop that being at the grave of the abuser, my uncle. I stalled as long as I could but finally after driving by the entry to the cemetary several times decided that I could do it.
It took a long time to find the grave site as I had never been here before. This time was good as I was again alone and was able to cry, yell out, stomp and all that went with it. When I finally found the grave site, I couldn't look at his name, I instead looked at the name of my Aunt and told her that I loved her, and was sorry for all that she had to put up with her alcholic, perverted, child molesting husband. Finally........ I did it, I wasn't sure whether to piss on his grave, kick it smash it, spit at it or a combination of everything. I chose to lob a big gobb of spit and scream out finally at the son of a bitch about what he did to me. How I harbored all of the anger, hid all of the abuse, acted out, hurt my family, lost the most precious person in my life, my wife and everything else that flooded out. I told him what a sick bastard he was for screwing up my head, my life and God knows how many other mens lives.
I was surprised when I looked at my watch to see that I had been there for an hour. As I walked to my car, I felt relief that God's justice must be being served, the man is where he belongs in the fires of hell, the fire he deserves for destroying my youth, for taking precious time, activities, and piece of mind from me for so many years.
I feel better, it helped, it helped me start to let go. I confirmed they cannot hurt me anymore, I cannot be told "its all in your head", "Its just your imagination" You are making it up", You are telling a lie, you are hiding, I am not 100% yet but sure feel a heck of alot better about me.
What the future holds who knows, I do know I am a heck of a lot stronger, I am happy with who I am. Sad that all of this has put such a strain on my family but perhaps they too can be happy that I have found some peace by finally telling it all, by speaking out to my father and uncle or at least to the symbols and spirit that is left of them.

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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#21269 - 06/03/03 10:03 AM Re: Journey back
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2259
Loc: Maryland USA
Bob,

It sounds like you found what you sought. Your decision to go was sound.

Congratulations. I hope your new found strength and happiness endure.

Welcome back.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#21270 - 06/03/03 10:55 AM Re: Journey back
andrew-almost52 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/02
Posts: 243
Loc: canada
Quote:
I need to put it to rest and keep my self esteem high, keep my focus on what is important. Let the past go and focus on the person I knew was hiding behind all the lies, guilt and shame....me.
It sounds like you did the job. Good for you.
Peace, Andrew


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#21271 - 06/03/03 10:56 AM Re: Journey back
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Bob WTG we are proud of you and grateful for the example you've set for us. Our perps do not have to be around or even alive for us to confront them in ways that are healthy for us. It's great to hear you've come back from this time feeling better about yourself and your truth, further into your recovery and a healthier person.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#21272 - 06/03/03 11:18 AM Re: Journey back
Tom S. Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/03
Posts: 161
Loc: Nashville, Tn
Ernie; How you react to this encounter is an indication of how adjusted your life is.
Will you allow dead people to control your anger and emotions from beyond the grave?
If you are in control go, but if it is too stressful, don't. You don't need a dead perp to relieve you of repressed anger or emotions.
Maintain control. YOU choose where and how you want to express anger or grief. Go piss on their grave if YOU choose, but don't let them draw you.
Go play golf or something instead if YOU choose, and express anger there.
YOU choose how, when and where you want to express your anger toward the perps in your life. YOU are in control, not them. YOU choose, and NEVER give any of the control away, in any facet of your life.
YOU make the choices , because YOU will pay the price for any bad ones.
Tom S.
quote: In these times of economic uncertainty, it's easy to see who is dedicated to providing quality health care, and who is chasing bucks.

_________________________
' None are so enslaved as those falsely led to believe they are actually free '

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#21273 - 06/03/03 11:16 PM Re: Journey back
RickL Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/02
Posts: 84
Loc: Oregon
Bob,

When I was in college, I was in a play where the character had deep feelings about travelling on a train, or of a train travelling down the track, or something to that effect. The Director of the play insisted that I actually go down to a local train track and touch the track, so I could feel what this character felt. I thought I could simply "go there in my head", but he insisted that I actually go and do this for real.

What you did helps me to appreciate what this Director had me do all those years ago. And it helps me appreciate the place of performing rituals in our lives. I "felt" the experience you described.

This is why I believe it will prove to have been healing--and lasting. Way to go. Thanks for sharing this with us.

Rick


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