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#212466 - 03/23/08 11:37 AM things that won't just stay down!
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
On several occasions I find myself feeling really frustrated. not only are their beliefs and idea which however hard I hit them, however much I try to work through them just reffuse to be beaten, but then there are things which I thought I'd got passed which come back and bite me as well.

I'm having a raging war with this deep seated belief I have that I'm so worthless it's utterly impossible for anyone to have feelings for me. I know where the idea's from, I recognize it's implications, I charge streight at it by getting my family and friendds to dscribe me honestly, and honestly taking their complements even though it's agony, and stil this stupid idea persists!

then, there are things I think I've already conquered that seem to come back and hit me, even though I thought I'd dealt with them.

one of these is the thought "what am I doing? why am I letting my teenaged years have this affect on me? what happened to that productive undergraduate who thought he was fine?"

I thought I'd dealt with this one, thought i'd fully recognized and accepted the fact that even as an undergraduate, I most deffinately wasn't fine, and telling myself I was didn't help the situation, but stil this mmorning I saw a picture of myself as a pathetic attention seaking hyperchondryac, making a huge fuss about nothing, dwelling on a few bad things in the passed as an excuse to get sympathy and avoid working, and when it came down to it I was absolutely fine really and should just get on with things.

I charged at this idea, remembered my panick attacks, my fear of the S word, my days of depression even as an undergrad and now I'm passed it, but I thought I'd dealt with this one, thought it was finished and I could move on!

when are these negative concepts truly dealt with? When can we move forward? I know recovery is a slow process, but I've always thought of it as a journey, right now it seems more like one of those whack the monster arcade games where everytime you smack one monster with your hammer, another one just pops up to take it's place and so it goes on and on!

Why can't I really make progress?

I'm really sorry about the wrant, and for cluttering up the forum with yet more posts, but I'd really appreciate someone's thoughts on this matter.


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#212479 - 03/23/08 12:45 PM Re: things that won't just stay down! [Re: dark empathy]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2466
Loc: UK
i find myself at times telling myself that i am dwelling on things and that i should just forget about it and get on

but then i too realise the continuing effect, and know that if i pretend it doesn't exist then it will only creep back up on me and then i wont be able to handle it

sure, we have to live for the now and always have something to do, try to keep something to love and have something to hope for, but we cant ignore the parts of us that are in pain

so when i doubt the worth of this task, i remind myself of the phrase "always be prepared", because that's what we are doing in a way, it's not just a matter of following a road to recovery, it's about stopping at the store on the way to buy the survival equipment for the canyons ahead

so that's what i try to tell myself when my destructive coping method of completely ignoring it comes about, because as much as i can pretend that everything is okay and it wasn't so bad and i can just move on, i know that really it has messed me up somewhat

interesting about the progress, i too find myself revisiting the same issues and coming to different conclusions each time and having to face the same walls every time i think i broke them down

i'm hoping that careful and precise preservation of thoughts and ideas when i'm feeling positive will help give my strong times some longevity- i don't know if this is going to work- i know my feelings probably will not change so easily, but maybe i can develop coping mechanisms based on some kind of understanding

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#212483 - 03/23/08 01:09 PM Re: things that won't just stay down! [Re: king tut]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2466
Loc: UK
this really does frustrate me too, how sometimes i feel on top of the world and other times i feel like hiding

i really havent explored how i can feel really strong one day and really weak another day, maybe i will look at that, and so maybe you should too
if your coming to different conclusions based on the same original ideas then it is the nature of the processing-engine that is dictating the outcome (a matter of perspective), so possibly you have to look around and ask what is different in your life now than what it was before when you thought you had dealt with the question of self-worth, ups and downs can be triggered, but possibly also these kinds of ups and downs are closely correlated to ups and downs in other parts of life.

for me a lack of direction and passion in my work usually sets negative thoughts in my head, but i'm not sure how true that correlation is since a lack of direction is for me a neglect of the destructive coping mechanism of working to death, so perhaps for me it is just facing truth in that example, but still i do think that the reason we have to fight the same battle over and over again, hitting down the same walls, could be a function of changing perspective which probably only in a minor way is also a function of our current predicaments and our happyness in other parts of our lives- and i say only in a minor way because the happyness in other parts of our lives is also, in a negative way, a function of our pasts, so it does seem to come full circle.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#212534 - 03/23/08 05:16 PM Re: things that won't just stay down! [Re: king tut]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Lewis, and Luke,
Just an observation but you must understand two things here. First all life is cycling. Up and down. Coping when your up with the destructive thoughts and feelings is effective on some level depending what your doing. Coping when you in a down cycle may require a differnt approach. At that point you will tend toward more self destructivness. Have to watch that.

Second, As you move through your recovery you will grow and your perspective on your self and situations will change gradually mostly but sometimes suddenly as epiphanies may burst on you. When this occurs you may find you want to react with the old thoughts and feelings and coping methods. This is not a set back but a reminder that your recovery is making progress and you need to take stock of your feelings. IE: Is this appropriate still now to react the way?? Am I responding to the truth and reality here or what I used to believe about me or my feelings.
Just a thought.

Love ya both


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#212548 - 03/23/08 06:04 PM Re: things that won't just stay down! [Re: king tut]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
I can appreciate the idea of drawing different conclusions and creating more positive thoughts from refighting the same battles, but it just frustrates me that however much I face a painful idea, however hard I work at it, it just won't move.

sinse my crysis in november prooved to me that I was not finee, I've made a resolution to deal with all those ideas and impressions that are causing me problems. appologies if this comes out sounding a bit wrong, but being synaesthesic, I can quite literally see and feel these ideas, I can know where they are and I can manually try to face them. For years I've believed they were just a perminant fixture of my reality which I was powerless to change, and sinse I understood where these things were from, everything must be fine.

Now I've resolved to try and do something about them, and this is in deed proving hard, but there are times when I can sit back and think "well I've got some useful work done there" but then I see one of these things which I thought I'd got round loom up again, and I'm forced to use the same tactics to despatch it. the tactics certainly work, but how many times must I do this? Even if I manage to shift my problem of self worth, and my even more major fears about the S word and physical contact, will they just pop up again? it's really quite frustrating!

Reguarding cycles, that's a matter I've been thinking about. I've been experiencing them to a lesser or greater degree right from when I was 16 just after my abuse finished, though at some times they are more pronounced than others. sinse my crysis and my resolution in november, they've become very extreme, and incredibly uncontrollable, running on almost a dayly or twice weakly basis.

In the passed they've sometimes had an identifyable cause, ---- Eg, a pleasant event like a bout of creativity, a stimulating or good experience causing a positive cycle, where as a trigger, stress or an unpleasant experience causing a bad one, but more often than not they've been totally outside my control with no identifyable cause at all, I just wake up feeling paralysed, numb and pointless.

In fact there have been times where i've been down and even a very pleasannt or stimulating experience can't move me, and a few times when I've been up and actively refused to be sent down by a bad experience, i even COMMENTED ON THAT in my disertation on happiness, that pleasures and pains both require us to perceive them as such, and sometimes we are in control of these perceptions and work ourselves out of pain by manually perceiving things as pleasures, where as at other times (especially in times of extreme pain), our perceptions are totally out of our control and we cannot engage with, or perceive things as pleasures at all.


One of the goals I'm trying to work on is being more in control of myselff, rather than just sitting there and experiencing things, which is another reason i'm expending this mental effort confronting and wrestling with those negative ideas and concepts, though it's often extremely painful and exhausting.

Oh heck! I'm sorry if that came out wrong, I'm not saying I'm doing well at this, only that I'm trying. I know I've certainly got a really long way to go and many things stil to deal with, some of which will be even harder, more immutable and difficult to manage than my concept that nobody can ever have feelings for me, ---- which has had a massive effect upon my life and my relations to others. The way that a lot of people on this site have dealt with their own issues and worked through things stil astonishes me.


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