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#212314 - 03/22/08 03:47 PM a quiet rant
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
my best friend has been tied up with productions where he teaches. my other good friend has been out of town. my work schedule sucks ... i'm traveling so much i'm blacking out on planes. and now my T has had a personal emergency and needed to cancel our session today.

i'm not blaming anyone - or even trying to find fault with anything - just whining i guess. i'm alone and i don't like it. ok - so now i can do that reading my T asked me to do and i've been putting off. now i can get some stuff done around the house...

no matter how hard i try today, i can't convince myself that my life isn't going down hill so fast that soon i'll just run into some brick wall or off some cliff that i don't even know is there...

totally feel out of control. nothing is working.

what do you guys do when you hit those spots where you feel like the end of the world has come and you don't have the strength to jump to safety? how do you keep going? where do you find the strength when you're completely drained. where do you find the desire to even try?!? i feel completely alone but i know others have gone thru depression, anxiety, panic, and intense loneliness. there has to be a way to beat this.

there just has to be.

M


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#212337 - 03/22/08 07:16 PM Re: a quiet rant [Re: MarkK]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Last Christmas I knew the hurt was coming and I decided to just go with it. Instead of fighting with the current I let the wave take me to where it wanted to and made my way back from there. It was by no means pleasant or easy but it was easier than fighting with the sadness. It is okay to be sad sometimes, something my family wouldn't allow me to be and that just made it impossible when I was sad.

Obviously not an answer Mark but it made the time go by a little easier. Also knowing that it would come to an end made it easier as well.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#212342 - 03/22/08 07:41 PM Re: a quiet rant [Re: mogigo]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Up until now my only defence against those depressed patches is the knolidge that whatever happens I will continue, I will go on and through. I may be worthless and lost and alone, but at least I'm stil me, stil being.

Over the passed few days, ---- sinse in fact I've officially decided to do my Phd part time and thus don't have huge panic attacks about work and trying to muster creative energy on the bad days (which is it's own form of torment),I'm trying to wrap my mind around the concept of trying to considder myself the way I would considder another person, trying to care for and look after myself the way I would feel compelled to do if it were somebody else who was hurting and in pain.

I know this sounds arrogant and over heroic, and I hope people don't think I'm trying to say that I'm some sort of super altruistic hero. I'm certainly not!

It's just trying to get around the idea that instead of thinking "I am worthless" and feeling upset about it thinking "somebody feels as if they are worthless, what can i do to help"

this is an idea my friend the counceler suggested and one I've been wrestling with in my bad moments. I haven't conquered the notion yet, but I'll keep plugging away at it, and hopefully one day I'll learn to look after myself, even though I know I don't deserve it.

I'm really sorry if this isn't helpful, as I said it's an idea i'm stil hammering away at myself.


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#212356 - 03/22/08 08:33 PM Re: a quiet rant [Re: dark empathy]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
MarkK lets face it sometimes life just plain sucks. You try to deal with it as best you can and as soon as you make a little progress ..Wham the floor falls out.
What do I do.... well not much you can do I just fall back and punt. I go swimming, I take a hot bath or sit in my hot tub. If I cry I cry so what. I have my pity party, wear the silly hat and blow on the sill noise maker and then get up and do something. Just one thing. Something positive. Rake the yard. Clean my desk off. Reorganize my closet or rearrange the furniture and clean. Just one thing that I can look back and say something positive was done that I feel good about. Then I tackly something else.
Head down. Eyes on one thing. Keep moving. I have noticed that these times do pass and as bad as it was it can swing to a great day next week. I just have to hang on. I wish I has something to tell you that was better than this. This is however, all I know. Hang in there Mark. You will make it.


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#212362 - 03/22/08 09:26 PM Re: a quiet rant [Re: Freedom49]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
know it will come to an end. hang in there. i'll make it. do something positive. keep moving. look after myself like i would someone else. fall back and punt. let the wave take me where ever and fight back from there.

or maybe just realize that i'm not worth the effort. i think it's the isolation that hurts the most. there's this little boy in me crying out desparately for someone to find him.

i just hurt.


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#212368 - 03/22/08 09:53 PM Re: a quiet rant [Re: MarkK]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Your the only one who can find him. It is you he is crying out for and lonely for. Buy him a teddy bear and a blankie and tell him your here for him. Hold that bear. Close you eyes. Go back to when you were 3 and 1/2 feet tall. Say hello.

By this your telling him and you that your worth it. Which all of us here know.



Edited by Freedom49 (03/22/08 09:54 PM)

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#212370 - 03/22/08 10:00 PM Re: a quiet rant [Re: Freedom49]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
i have the stuffed bears. and a small stuffed dog i can hug and feel him close.

what he needs is someone that can do him some good.


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#212420 - 03/23/08 02:34 AM Re: a quiet rant [Re: MarkK]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1977
Mark,

I don't think I have the answers, but lately as I have been dealing with this stuff (and I know my experience is different than yours, yet I still feel tons of pain from my past) sometimes I just need to keep keeping on and try to move forward. When I am caught in an emotional space where I feel trapped and helpless, and I don't know how I am going to handle it, I try to accept that I may have to hold of until the future to attempt to address, trying my best to let it go until I am more able to deal with it. Most importantly I am trying to not be self-destructive as a means of handling overwhelming situations, just knowing that is doesn't fix anything and creates more troubles to deal with. Not sure if that helps, but some days can just be bad. Rest is good as well I think.

Take care,
Eric


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#212426 - 03/23/08 04:28 AM Re: a quiet rant [Re: ericc]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Mark, you speak of not being "worth it"

the idea of being "worth" anything myself, worth other's time and concern, worth not feeling so hurt, worth even bothering with is one I really struggle with. It's just so obvious to me that it doesn't fit, doesn't apply to me at all like trying to push a key into the wrong lock.

But one concept I'm trying to struggle with at the moment is to forget the idea of self worth when I am down, and just deal with the idea that I am hurting, that someone is in pain which ought to be stopped. It doesn't matter whether that person's worth anything, the point is that that person is hurting and needs taking care of, and that person is me.

I'm really sorry about continually hammering away at this, this is a battle I'm fighting at the moment and an idea I'm trying to wrestle with which seemed very appropriate here, as Eric said, the idea of "taking care of myself" I really and truly hope it helps mark, but I'm incredibly sorry if it doesn't.

I understand the pain your going through right now, and I really do wish I could do something about it myself.

I hope you can make it through this and come out the other side.

With you in spirit,

Luke.


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#212521 - 03/23/08 04:02 PM Re: a quiet rant [Re: dark empathy]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
i'm truly not strong enough
i can't do it
there is no way to make it thru this pain alone
i cannot find the words that will come close to the misery i feel
the emptiness
and uselessness
my family is out doing things with friends today
so no one must witness the tears
or hears the cries
of the man as he becomes the child
and screams out in torment
alone


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