My name is Brandon. I am 18 years old and was sexually abused starting at 5. I am here to tell my story and to ask for others opinions, so I can try to break the cycle that is destroying my life!
I grew up just like any other boy. I remember liking sports, playing, and even had my first "girl friend" in kindergarden. It wasn't until the age of 5 that my life would start to change. I grew up really close to my older brother and my older cousing. I was 5, my cousin 6, and my brother 7. My dad would bring me and my brother over to my cousins every day and I considered him like a big brother.
We played together, we hung out together, and did everything together and one day me and my cousin were alone and he said he wanted to show me something. He brought me into his room and told me about what his friend was doing to him and said that he wanted to do it with me. He told me that he wanted me to touch him and I thought that it was wrong but being 5 i listened and gave in.
It started as only touching once in a while but quickly moved on to oral. I never really liked doing because he told me I couldn't tell anyone and it didn't feel right. But I continued to do it because I felt that he really liked me that is why he always wanted me to do that.
This probably went on for about a year and then my dad caught us. He was so mad and told me that it was not right and to never do it again. Although he said that it still continued. I really liked my cousin and one day he stopped doing it and was completly mean to me. I didn't understand why he didn't want to do those things to me anymore. I felt (at the time) that he didn't like me anymore and there was something wrong with me.
As I got older I thought about it all the time. I hated my self. I wished that I could forget that it ever happened BUT I CANT.
At about 8 years old I was introduced to my half sister (who was my age) and we quickly got to know eachother. I liked her up until she too wanted to do things to me. We were playing one day and she asked me to lay naked on the bed so she could rub up and down on me. I didn't feel comfortable to do it. But she talked me into it. I wouldn't get naked but I told her she could do it if she laid a blanket on top of me. The whole time she was doing this to me I felt very discusted and I was really upset with her.
That was only time I was "abused" by her. After that for years all I could think about was what my cousin and my sister had done to me. It made me hate my self and feel very different from everyone. I stopped caring about life and all I wanted to do was to erase what had happened to me.
I can remember being suicidal at even the age of 9. I wanted to kill my self becuase I hated what they had did.
But, I wanted it to continue to do it to my other friends.
At 10 me and my neighbor friend (boy my age) were talking and I told him what my cousin did to me and then I did it to him. I didn't like doing it but it made me feel "wanted" to do it.
Then at 11 another boy friend of mine started touching me. And that went on for a while.
This has affected my life! My whole life I have been attracted to women mentaly but attracted to men physically. I don't want to be gay and I don't want to be attracted to men and I feel that being abused has screwed up my outcome in life.
I had my first and only serious realationship with a girl at 15 and I had lost my virginity to her. The sex was good at first but as the more sex I had the more I lost interest. At first I loved sex and then I couldn't keep it up. I would loose all arousal right in the middle of sex. It was very embarrasing. We dated for a while but I couldn't continue to be with her.
Now any girl that I am attracted to I can't get it up or when I do... I can't keep it up.
So I started to debate whether or not if I was gay. So I told my self I will have one last thing with a guy and it will debate if I am gay or not. I met a guy for a one night stand. I went over to his house and we both masterbated and gave oral. I sexually enjoyed it but felt very discusted by my self.
I am more comfortable around women but I want more than just friendship with a women. I do not want to be gay and I do not want to be attracted to men.
I want to be with a woman but I have a lot of self issues that I need help with before I can do that.
I am not really feminime but I am not all of that "manly" either. I just don't know what to do.
Could someone give me advice on how to get over what has happened to me and allow my self to get close to men with out wanting to be sexual with them? And to cope with what has happened and to start a new life with women??
Thank you! I know it is long but I hope someone will read this!