Newest Members
Barracuda312, Just Hanging, mossTI, E35, 1975
12339 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
GeneF48 (66), kun wang (32)
Who's Online
1 registered (pattom), 18 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12339 Members
74 Forums
63435 Topics
443443 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#212055 - 03/21/08 04:19 AM husband decides there is no problem
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
I learned that my H was abused 13yrs ago when I was pregnant with our 2nd child, and we were married 5yrs. He was in therapy for a year without my knowledge before he told me.(I found this surprising because it was during this time that he was playing head games with me)anyway he told me,then his family. They all were unsupportive.(His brother his abuser) I forgave him for his treatment of me,and even though he never really shared anything besides that it happened and he questioned his sexuality,he also told me it was known of my business,and when he felt ready to move on, it was my job to let it go,drop the subject. That seemed to work(I was naive) my husband thrived,got a college degree,2 more kids, bigger house,good sex,ect... we were happy.Now we are having problems,and at first he told me that it was due to his csa, now tonight he told me that he does not have any lingering problems from it at all. WHAT? I have been so supportive,I've learned so much from all of you so hopefully someone has some advice. So how do you help when he has decided there is no problem,and where does this leave me?


Top
#212151 - 03/21/08 05:12 PM Re: husband decides there is no problem [Re: NY Daisy]
LJA Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 35
Hi Again NY Daisy,

I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through, and I'm not sure I have any advice... sorry. It's a really shitty situation.... but it may be temporary(?).

The basic timeline of your story sounds so familiar. It seems many survivors dive into school and/or career to distract themselves from the SA, and for a man, society totally supports that behaviour. Working hard and being successful is what society tells us men should do, it's so sad that it happens at the expense of their emotional health.

How do you help when he's decided there's no problem? I dunno, but refusing to go along with his denial seems like a good place to start. I know that can be really tricky and can lead to bad arguments etc. even if done in a gentle way. But you can't go along with the denial. I know there are circumstances where denial is a healthy tool, but this doesn't seem like one of those situations.

Where does that leave you? That leaves you with no-one looking out for you but you. So look after yourself. Love yourself, nurture yourself, treat yourself. Maybe a shift in your focus will by default cause a shift in his. I have to fess up here because I have been horrible at taking that advise for myself. I am struggling with it on a daily basis.

Sorry I don't have better input for you Daisy.
I'll be thinking about you and I'd be happy to continue this discussion if you want to keep posting...

LJA


Top
#212174 - 03/21/08 07:36 PM Re: husband decides there is no problem [Re: LJA]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
thank you LJA for responding. You are right on the money when you say it is a tricky situation, over the years if I brought something up about it, he would immediately snap at me that I would never let him live it down,when it was him that couldn't. So I let him deal with it the way he wanted,obviously it did not work or I wouldn't be here now. I am not going to ride the denial train anymore,and I am at the point where I feel that he uses his abuse to excuse him from his bad behavior,because he knows I then forgive him and feel bad for being so angry in the first place. Your input was helpful,it is always nice to talk to someone who is walking in similar shoes. best wishes, NYDaisy


Top
#212302 - 03/22/08 03:09 PM Re: husband decides there is no problem [Re: NY Daisy]
LJA Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 35
NYDaisy,

I saw something else in your last post that is familiar to me; all-or-nothing thinking on your H's part. Either you keep quiet about his abuse or you are 'never letting him live it down'; you are either for him or against him (where 'for him' is actually 'in denial'). I wonder if its possible to try and work some grey into all that black and white in his perspective?

When I was seeing my T, she kept reminding me the importance of looking for grey. I am wondering if the all-or-nothing thinking is common in survivors? Also, my T had brought up the matter with me because I was the one using it. At the time, I felt I was backed into a corner in my relationship and I was panicking... so I started using all-or-nothing thinking.
It has definitely done me good to consciously start looking for and embracing the 'grey' in life. I even say it to myself if I'm feeling trapped or panicky... "look for the grey, where are you, grey?" I also try to notice when my H uses it. We discussed all this openly many months ago so it isn't too tricky if I bring it up. In fact, it was one of a list of 'thinking errors' we came across and discussed with the aim of getting rid of them from our lives. Thanks for accidentally reminding me about it, i think I'm going to dig it out and see how we're doing.

Another thing that has popped into my head upon reading your post was the 'victim triangle'. Have you heard of it? It sounds like you might be dancing around it...

LJA


Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.