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#2114 - 04/28/04 01:07 PM Why???
nordicelt Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 15
Loc: Kenosha, WI
Hello everyone,

My internet browser at home is not working, so I have to post and respond to the board from work.

I came home from working a 10 hour shift last night and I just starting sobbing. I Tried to stop it, but I couldn't hold it back.

During that time, I was asking myself, why was I abused, why did the man( my gym teacher) who had the authority to stop the other boys from beating me choose to abuse me instead? Why was I punished?

The memories became so clear to me. I remembered what the locker room looked like in every detail, the smell, the bathroom, the shower area and even the gym teacher's office. I remember what every boy looked like. I even remember what the gym teacher was wearing when he would punish me. I remember all of it!!

Why did this happen? Why did he hurt me instead of protecting me? How did I fail?

During my thoughts about the sexual abuse I experienced as a child, the memory of being raped as an adult reared it's ugly head.

Why wasn't the word "No!" enough? Why didn't he let me go after I did those things he forced me to do? I told him how badly he was hurting me and he still did not stop. Why? I was never mean to this stranger. I never insulted him.
Why did he rape me? Why?

There must have been something I did. Something I missed. I must have done something to deserve this? What is it?? All of this must surely be repayment for something I've done in the past. What comes around goes around.

I am absolutely terrified. Why has my life become such a f**ked up mess?

I feel very raw and vulrunable as if the skin has been torn off my body.

Tim


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#2115 - 04/28/04 01:35 PM Re: Why???
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Tim,

I want you to listen to me, okay?

It wasn't your fault.

It was NEVER your fault, EVER.

You didn't do ANYTHING to deserve what that bastard did to you.

He is an animal. All of those people were animals.

You are a special, unique being and you deserved better than you got. You deserved to be protected.

Please believe me, you are innocent. You always WERE innocent.

My brother, we're here. We believe you. We know the truth. And so do you.

PM me if you need anything. I'm here.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#2116 - 04/28/04 03:17 PM Re: Why???
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Tim,

I can only reiterate what Scot has said. It was never your fault, you never asked to be abused and raped. I asked myself the same questions over and over again for most of my life. I finally decided that I'll never know the answer, there will never be a satisfactory answers to the big 'Why?' questions for me. I've quit asking. I've accepted that it happened, there was nothing that I was capable of doing about it back then and I cannot change the past. You did nothing wrong. You did nothing to 'deserve' that. It wasn't your fault and it never was.

What do you do to make yourself feel better? What do you enjoy doing? Give yourself a treat, listen to music, take a bubblebath, something to reward yourself for making it this far in life. The problems we have in life come and go but life goes on. You made it this far and that's wonderful. The past is behind you, live today like you want to live, tomorrow is yet to come.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#2117 - 04/28/04 05:12 PM Re: Why???
Arthur Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/29/04
Posts: 25
Loc: Florida
Your story is filled with pain. It echos pain I have felt. You did absolutely NOTHING to cause this man to abuse you. He, the predator, saw you as easy game, because because he was bigger and stronger than you were and he was a trusted authority figure, to boot! Once he choose to victimize you there was nothing you could have done to stop him. You were exactly who you were supposed to be: a little child in school, a place where you were supposed to be able to learn things and grow up over a process of several years. It is not a child's fault, not yours, not mine, or anyone's fault except the one who chose to molest you.
As I slowly heal from my experiences of being molested, I feel so much sadness and hurt and loss when anything reminds me that my healing isn't over yet. Sometimes I feel like doing something, I don't know what, to keep from hurting but for anything I have tried, the effects didn't last long and were almost always self-destructive. If I quit on myself then the molester has won - Quitting means I am not a human being with worth and value (and who hurts when my worth and value are abused). Quitting on myself means I accept that I was and am an object for the molester to use how ever he pleases to use me.
I refuse, no matter how much hurt I feel, to quit on myself and I hope you don't quit on yourself either.

Art

_________________________
Art

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#2118 - 04/28/04 06:18 PM Re: Why???
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Tim, men abuse boys because they have some overwhelming need to exert power over so powerless person. Some only want to show power over little kids, before puberty. Others only like to do it after puberty. I think whether it is a child or an adult, that is the key. This person is sick in the mind and needs to use and abuse power so that he won't feel so inadequate or whatever bugs him.

You did nothing, as an adult or a child that gave up your right to say NO!, STOP IT!, Get AWAY! But in some way they were able to take away our ability to stop the rapes and abuse.

In your case, the teacher betrayed you as well as the boys who bullying he permitted. I truly hope this pathetic individual is no longer permitted to teach or be around children.

The adult, well, what can I say. When John Walsh's little boy was kidnapped and murdered he sought to understand the why--a priest relative had no answers, neither did his doctor, or anyone else. But John was a frieind of the coroner and the coroner had a veery simple explanation if we can accept it. He told John: "there are evil people in our world and these evil people do evil things."

It doesn't take away the pain. It does help me at least understand that there was nothing any of us could have done to stop the evil short of murder of the perp--and that is not an acceptable solution.

I am saddened to see you hurting Tim. Don't try to make sense out of the senseless, we can never make it something we fully understand.

Serenity to you.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#2119 - 04/28/04 07:46 PM Re: Why???
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Tim
It's the question we all want an answer to - "WHY ?"

and unfortunately it's also virtually impossible for us to answer completely.
If we do get close to answering 'why' then another aspect of the same question arises, or at least it does for me.

As far as my abuse goes I'd have to ask about 7 or 8 different people, and get as many answers. I just can't do that, so I've accepted that my version of "WHY" will have to satisfy me.

And that is - they were so inadequate they needed to show their 'power' by abusing boys like me.
They really were feeble and insignificant people, why else would they need to demonstrate their 'power' by raping and abusing ?
How do I know how weak they were ? well, I've come to realise that I was a pretty ordinary boy, and naturally stronger people who were comfortable with their sense of 'power' over younger boys didn't need to demonstrate that 'power'.

Somehow power corrupted them, sex was just the vehicle they chose to demonstrate that abuse of power.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#2120 - 04/29/04 12:11 PM Re: Why???
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
I've given up trying to comprehend the "why" of what they did.

I wish that people were all one thing or another, "good" or "evil." Then it would be easy to blame the perps. My father was a good man who did many good things but among the not-good things he did are some of the things he did to me.

But only he and I knew/know about the not-good things and he is dead. All the others, family and friends, think of him, call him a "good" man without qualifying.

The young men and older boys were like that, too. I'm sure they did good things and were thought of as "good" people.

Communities, friends, and families love these people and have reasons to feel that way.

That's what has made it so hard for me to deal with my feelings of guilt and shame and so hard when I want to protect other children, including my grandson, from having these things happen to them.

So, no, I don't much blame myself for what they did to me anymore.

For a long time I questioned what it was about me that caused those bad things to happen to me.

Was it because I was mentally weak? Was there something "bad" about me that made it seem all right to do bad things to me? Was there something about me that made it seem that I would like or enjoy those things happening to me?
Was it because I was a worthless kid who didn't deserve anything better?

Should I have said something? Should I have been saavy enough to know that my silent cries for help had to be audible? Was I worth listening to anyway? Would my voice have been loud enough?

It took me a long time to see that all those questions are bogus. Its hard now to see how I could ever think that any child could deserve those things, was reponsible for them happening.

That change in viewing myself didn't happen all at once. First, I began to see that the infant I was and then the older boy I was (5 and up) didn't deserve it, had no way of protecting himself from what happened.

It took me longer to see that the 17 year old wasn't responsible and then, lastly, it has been only recently that I have begun to see that the 40+ year old wasn't at fault either (still struggling with that one.)

The way I see it, I was trained from the beginning to see myself and think of myself in a way that was not true, was not naturally me.

Its been hard, but in truth it has taken less time to make a lot of progress towards seeing myself differently and uncovering the true me that they undermined and hid through what they did.

I think that what happened will always have an effect on me but I am astounded now as I begin to realize how I will be able to build upon other, positive parts of my experience to the point where they will largely overshadow the negative parts of my past experience.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#2121 - 04/29/04 04:05 PM Re: Why???
nordicelt Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 15
Loc: Kenosha, WI
Hello everyone,

Thank you for the responses to my initial post.

I have been letting go of the "Why?" question since yesterday. Yes, I have been trying to make sense of the SA and rape thing and I can't make sense of that either. I am letting go of that too.

As far as overcoming the self-blame, shame and guilt, that is another matter. I don't harbor as much shame and guilt about the child abuse as I do about being raped as an adult. Despite of all these months of talking with my Psychologist, I am still stuck in that rut. I feel bad about that too.

Tim

Tim


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#2122 - 04/29/04 04:47 PM Re: Why???
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Tim - my opinion is that when we finally admit to ourselves (however long that takes....days / weeks / months /years) that we were abused, we can drive ourselves mad wondering why us?

Wrong place, wrong time! It could just as easily have been the kid that sat next to you at school! The kid that lived next door to you. The bloke that bought a drink just before or after you.

Any person that was vulnerable - some of us had it forced on us, others were slowly groomed!

Some bastards simply make themselves feel better by using their 'False Authority' to damage others!

You see these abusers everywhere - Paedophiles, Bad Managers at Work, Authoritarian Teachers (usually with little real authority) and it goes on.

They all believe that 'No'is the same word as 'Yes' when it suits them.

It's difficult to move on and stop blaming yourself - please try to.

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#2123 - 05/01/04 10:00 PM Re: Why???
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Tim,

my heart is with you. I wonder that sometime, not only 'why me', but why the hell anyone? I think it bothers me more that it happen to others then myself right now.

I do think one thing, and is probably just me and my mind, but it is something I rather insist on thinking in myself. I feel that there IS a reason why, if it does have to happen, it happen to me. Perhaps it happen to me instead of some other little boy because I could survive it, and he couldn't. Or that he would go and become an abuser himself, and I won't. Something like that, I feel, maybe it is 'good' thing, partly, that it happen with me, because I know I will never do it to another.

But why it happens to others? I don't know. I'm sorry.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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