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#212147 - 03/21/08 04:00 PM The Team
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
So small the child
And the eyes
How can I face the eyes
Watching
Judging who I am
I want to hide
Run somewhere where they can't see me
The feeling in my chest is not pain, but so uneasy
Hide
Hide from the eyes
Hide from what they think
Curl into a ball and hold my knees
And yet, I must go out
I must
Cannot stay in
Coward!
Little coward!
Worthless little asshole!
He mocks me
I did nothing to them
Nothing to any of them
And yet, they hate
All of them, the hate
Curl into a small black ball
God, it hurts
Must let go
Must unfold
Must get up
Walk past the eyes
God, please don't let them hurt me
God, please don't let them think I'm worthless
Sissy!
Little girl!
Not like your father!
Your poor daddy!
He's ashamed of you, you know.
See it in his eyes?
Going to join the team next year?
Yes, I'm only going to be in the band until high school, then I'm going to join the team.
Good. Good boy.
Acceptance.
The team.
Tough.
A man.
God, I can't be on the team.
I hate the team.

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#212153 - 03/21/08 05:28 PM Re: The Team [Re: Bobby]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Bobby,
I this one hit me good. In my junior year in HS I was forced to go to a very small school in Apache Junction, AZ. There were not enough boys to field a team unless evey available boy went out for everything and I was drafted. I hated it. I told the coach I was no good and didn't even know the rules and didn't even like the game. He shrugged it off as I don't know what but obviously did not believe me and gave me no pointers. I had to play defensive end JV football and guard in basketball. I never felt so worthless in my life. Dad and mom never came to my games which was good. I remember asking the coach when he sent me in "What do I do as a defensive end?"
He told me to just make sure the guy with the ball goes inside instead of toward the outside. When the ball was snapped he came for me and I just tried to spook him to go that direction. Which he did for a touchdown. My coach was furious as later I realized I was supposed to also try to tackle him. DUH. I was never so humilated in all my life. I never have felt so worthless and I will never ever forget that look on his face all all the people in the stadium. I spent some extra time in the showers which was the only place I could cry and not be noticed.

I wish I had gotten some rules. I might not have hated the team and they might not have hated me.



Edited by Freedom49 (03/21/08 05:30 PM)

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#212251 - 03/22/08 09:54 AM Re: The Team [Re: Freedom49]
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Hey, Roger, have one of those crying in the shower things myself, only mine was after a basketball game. I held the guy to 38 points. Nothing quite as awful as standing in the shower crying and not wanting to go out. I had a 40 mile bus ride ahead of me and cried all the way home, and I was a senior. How embarrassing is that? I'm sorry that happened to you. You never forget those feelings, and coaches know. My coach knew what was going to happen when he put me in there, and so did yours. I feel sorry for that kid now, but then, I just felt like the world's biggest loser.

Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#212259 - 03/22/08 10:59 AM Re: The Team [Re: Bobby]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7819
Great poem, Bobby. A lot of familiar feelings in there for me.

_________________________
Eddie

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#212355 - 03/22/08 08:27 PM Re: The Team [Re: EGL]
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Eddie! Always so good to hear from you! Always warms my heart. Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#214789 - 04/02/08 05:30 AM Re: The Team [Re: Bobby]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Man, does this one ever hit home. I wasn't able to get involved in sports like football when I was kid, as I was asthmatic. So I didn't even know what the "end zone" was. And like you, Bobby, I had asshole teachers who didn't have the slightest clue about how to help boys who were totally clueless about the sport we were playing. They just threw us out there.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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