Feeling like Scooter today. Someone I used to be but don't feel like all that much anymore.
Anyway, I was going to post this in member only area for some reason then thought better of it and decided to put it here.
During my last session with ma T, we talked about HALT and all that. Well I've been thinking about it anytime various thoughts or feeling pop up or any desire to fall into old coping habits comes up. For those who might not know, it's stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. I guess things that you feel that can bring up the need to cope in one form or another. So for me I've found that probably 95% of the time it's that big L that killin me. I'm Lonely. All the damn time. During my session my T also asked if I had any friend or anyone at church that I could really open up to. The honest answer was no. I've never had any close friends, especially not guy friends, that I could open my heart and soul to. So as the next few days passed, this feeling got worse. I feel so dang alone and separate all the time.
Believe it or not, coming here makes it all the worse. I don't know why, but when I read posts it just end up feeling all the more alone. I avoided the site yesterday almost completely, and I certainly didn't post anything. I'm ok being here today, but on days when I'm feeling particularly alone, I just can't stand any reminders of how alone I feel. It's a loneliness that just plain flat out, hurts. I hate it. I have my wife and that's great, but connecting with her doesn't help the loneliness I feel.
I just have this seemingly insatiable need to connect on a deep level with other guys. Sucks to look back and realize that probably 99% of all the friends you've had were completely on a superficial level and that 1% only touched a little beyond that but no further. I've opened my heart to my wife completely, and it's been a wonderfully healing experience, but how do I do that on the male side of things? My wife was truly the first person I ever let in, and that was only in the past month or so. I'm just at a complete loss as how to heal this. I don't how. I was never shown or taught it. I need it to be fixed. So that I can teach it to my own son, so he doesn't end up isolated and alone.
This stuff just plain out stinks. Rots. Reeks. However you want to put it.
And think, this is actually a good day for me :-) I'm actually in a pretty decent mood. Listening to the awesome tunes of Ophelia's Mirror. Guess it's those good days we're able to open up a bit and begin to ask those questions that'll hopefully allow us to continue on this blasted journey.
Just one last thing before I go. An update on my med situation. Haven't changed a thing, but I was hugely depressed yesterday, and the day before that I cried for the first time since starting the meds. Was good. Think maybe my system is leveling out and adjusting properly.