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#21206 - 05/19/03 12:46 AM My Protector & Best Friend
mattandrew Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/26/01
Posts: 376
Loc: Florida
As of Tonight i have experienced yet another loss in my life and a loss of self thru the loss of my grandfather.My Grandfather was my protector as a kid from "The SA" that was occuring in my childhood.This man i could talk to about anything and also bounce things off of him and learn from him and gain knowledge and wisdom that i would have never gained if not for his grandfatherly aproach with me.

This man protected me and my adopted brother and now is with my brother,i think.I stood at my grandfathers casket today and as i placed a letter in his casket, i felt a piece of me leave forever and i feel an emptiness i have never felt before even with the losses i have experienced in the past.

I was able to discuss in some detail with a few of the men in the chat tonight about this issue and some of the feelings i am now having,this helped me to see some things even while under the influence of alchohol.I have been drinking since coming back from the funeral parlor as i am trying to get how i am feeling off my mind and to just be able to relax tonight but,i can't seem to do this.I am really going to have to re-evaluate how i feel tommorrow after going to the funeral service.Just thought i would post about some of how i am feeling as some of how i am feeling stems from the SA and the male authority figure i looked up to and respected in my life and learned so much from.I feel an emptiness that i just cannot explain but, i know this piece of me will never return and somehow i will learn to compensate for this piece of me that i feel empty from.


More tommorrow after the funeral and after i have had a chance to really focus on how i feel and how this relates to the SA impact and my recovery from my own SA.


Matt

_________________________
M.A.N. ,
Boy who was trapped in society's nightmare & moving on thru healing & accountability.

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#21207 - 05/19/03 03:28 AM Re: My Protector & Best Friend
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
Im sorry M,
that is a big loss - grieve all you need to but remember you are not alone.

(((((((((((((((Mattandrew))))))))))))))

_________________________
"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

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#21208 - 05/19/03 09:04 AM Re: My Protector & Best Friend
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Matt,

I'm sorry for your loss, too. I hope you will be able to remember the best experiences you had with your grandfather and maybe recall some good feelings.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#21209 - 05/19/03 10:22 AM Re: My Protector & Best Friend
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Matt,

I am truly saddened to hear of the death of the person who meant so much to you. As you grieve over what can't be anymore in one way, maybe it will help to think of the quallities of your grandfather than inspired you so much and talk about them to us or to a friend. It can help us all to learn of a man who was genuinely fatherly.

Yesterday I looked at the film "Dad" with Ted Danson and Jack Lemmon. I do not suggest you rent it and watch now. But because I watched it, I feel some bit of your pain and a whole lot of my own.

Grieving is a difficult method of healing--but I think that it is one that almost always works.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#21210 - 05/19/03 12:47 PM Re: My Protector & Best Friend
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Matt
it feels like the end of the world when you lose someone like your Grandfather, but it isn't.

You were lucky to share some good times with him, talk and listen to him - because you trusted him.

All those good talks have sunk into you, you've learnt some of what took him so long to learn, some of his wisdom and ways.

That's something you now have, something you can pass onto someone who will one day look up to you.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#21211 - 05/19/03 05:38 PM Re: My Protector & Best Friend
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
"Don't walk in front of me,
I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me,
I may not lead.
Walk beside me,
and just be my friend."

(author unknown)

Dave & Sugar

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#21212 - 05/19/03 08:55 PM Re: My Protector & Best Friend
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Matt: I'm so sorry to hear about your great loss and so sorry for your pain. Take care of yourself friend.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#21213 - 05/19/03 11:30 PM Re: My Protector & Best Friend
Marc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/25/03
Posts: 256
Loc: Tucson, AZ
Matt,

I wish I could say something to make you smile.

My best attempt would only fall tragically short.

Know that I think of you and hope for you the best. I'm sending my best thoughts to you in your time of need.

I hope it helps comfort you some.

Marc


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#21214 - 05/20/03 01:59 PM Re: My Protector & Best Friend
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Mattandrew:
Quote:
As of Tonight i have experienced yet another loss in my life and a loss of self thru the loss of my grandfather.My Grandfather was my protector as a kid from "The SA" that was occuring in my childhood.This man i could talk to about anything and also bounce things off of him and learn from him and gain knowledge and wisdom that i would have never gained if not for his grandfatherly aproach with me.
Matt I havwe taken a while to answer because I too suffered the loss of a protector. Not from SA but from Alcohol. I know the pain.

But I do have the benefit of time to really see it as it is. My Sponsor died before I got my 5 year medallion in AA. I was devistated.

He was a crusty sob but a straight shooter and he more than any one kept me on the right path, kicked the poor mes out me. Would not put up with any bullshit from me about how hard it was. He kept me focused on the goal. "Dont drink today".

Well Matt I am 27 years in aa and I still focus on the goal that he showed me. I loved that Man and thought the world would end for me when he died. I felt that he had betrayed me for leaving me alone.

During my medallion presentation someone suggested that I get another sponsor. I replied and I think this is what I said.

"Replace Fred. How can I do that. There is no one else like him on earth. And I dont have to replace him. He is with me always. I have learned from him and so a part of him lives on in me.

Matt I still feel that way. And you will too about your GRANDFATHER. He is there forever in your mind and in your soul. He will continue to touch you throughout your life and also the lives
of those you touch because he is your role model.

He is part of what makes you unique.

Your brother wolf
Mike

aaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhooooooooooo

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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