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#211868 - 03/20/08 12:11 PM uh oh
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2469
Loc: UK
uh oh

it is only three weeks i have off university and i have enough work to keep myself busy enough so that it will be like i'm still in university.

so why do i feel so unsettled, so anxious, perhaps even fearful.

this is what i have been waiting for, time off. but i have been a creature of habit and have come to hate it when the world relents and shows me some mercy because that only gives me opportunity to fall.

i was sitting on the bus on the way home and realising it was my last day i almost wanted to cry i just felt completely lost and vulnerable.

i need the constant battle, the constant distraction, because if i'm not continualy fighting in this subversive battle of education then i am just that little boy with all those pains who will never be accepted and never be normal.

i rather fight to discover the secrets of scientific knowledge than ever have to accept the lonelyness of my mind that lives in a world very much of its own. i have thought recently that the estrangement of my mind to the world could be symptomatic of some kind of light autism which in its blandest de>
_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#211878 - 03/20/08 01:06 PM Re: uh oh [Re: king tut]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
KT,
You do know. I see it in your writing above. Your running, hiding in your studies, afraid of what my overtake you if you slow down long enough.
Lewis it is not a bad thing. You have 3 weeks to process your feelings and your memories and your pain. The shame and guilt you feel will not go away. It is in you and it is a lie. You were a kid. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Those things were the effects of being sexualized before your time. It is not your fault. Really it isn't. Accept what happened. Forgive yourself, the boy, and love your self the man now. That past is a part of you and the more you fight to resist it, the more power you give it. Take away the teeth in those foggy memories, by accepting them and forgiving the boy you were.

Your burning up a huge amount of energy keeping the scafolding up and steady when deep down you know it is a house of cards and will eventually crash. Read the posts Lewis, Read how after years of building the walls, so many of us have had them crash with horrible consequences to us, our family, our friends, and our jobs. You have a chance to process with a T or here perhaps right now at 19 and spend the rest of your life at peace. You know you want to, you know you need to that is way you keep coming back an posting.

I have come to know you Lewis by reading your heart felt post which are so articulate, I have come to love that heart and I know it is hurting with a pain so familiar to this site. Think about what I have said. Talk to someone who has an understanding of this stuff. Most of all, forgive young Lewis.


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#211893 - 03/20/08 02:11 PM Re: uh oh [Re: Freedom49]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
King Tut, I think it's fantastic that you are recognizing and dealing with these things at this stage, learning about yourself, and understanding what your doing.

What you say reminds me very much of the position I was in myself during my degree. I'd insist to myself that I was fine, ---- yes I had some hangups rfrom what happened to me, but I knew where they were so it was fine. The fact that I had days of depression, was terrified to walk into a crowded colidge bar, panicked when someone even touched me or mentioned the s word, all this was fine. Afterall, I was here, at a prestigious uni, doing a degree in philosophy, getting caught up in creative work, engaging with other theories, going to lectures, ----- even on days when I was so depressed I could scarecely bring myself to think, I stil had lectures to go to and reading to do, and on those good days when I could muster the creative energy, then I could work on my essays, formulate new theories and cryticize other people's.

the problem is that as soon as that contact with others went I fell appart. My masters was a fiasco and the work I did was done only when I'd got into a total panic about deadlines, on an adrenaline overdose. When I was depressed I just became paralized, which caused me to panic more about not working.

then when I started my Phd this cycle became really severe. It took a major shock in november to make me realize what I was doing.

I'm a year and a half into what was supposed to be a three year phd and have thus far written 7 thousand words of a 70 thousand word thesis. I want to write it, i'm stil interested, but the more I try on those bad days, the harder it gets.

Yesterday I had a meeting with my tutor, admitted that I was trying to deal with the after effects of abuse, and will be taking my Phd part time from now on, so that I can work on th good days, I don't have to panic on the bad ones.
Oh heck! I've just written a wrant, I'm really sorry about that. I'm just trying to say that I really admire you for considdering yourself now, when you have space from work, and examining how your academic work relates to dealing with what you went through.

It's something I really wish I'd done earlier in my education myself, and I think your very wise for doing it now, and that not only will it help your wellbeing, but it'll make your academic work better in the long run.


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#211960 - 03/20/08 08:29 PM Re: uh oh [Re: dark empathy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Lewis,

I can remember doing the same thing when I was your age. I had just been readmitted to my university after a disastrous stay in San Francisco, and I escaped by throwing myself into my studies. Looking back, I can see now that this really didn't help me so much. It just allowed me to escape from the need to face things. As a result, I am facing them now, in my late 50s.

You will hear guys here saying over and over how proud we are of you guys who are dealing with all this at such a young age. It's true! And you're worth it. Yes, you ARE going to learn some things that will be difficult to face, but you will also learn some hugely empowering things too. You will learn that none of it was your fault, for example, and that all the bad feelings you are trying to hide from are false feelings you picked up in abuse.

It's a tricky business trying to make the transition from teenager to adult, especially with recovery issues and a university course on your plate. But keep talking about this, not only with us, but with other guys in the Teen Forum. One of the reasons we have the age limit set higher is to make it possible for you to relate to other guys your own age on these and other questions.

Much love,
larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#211968 - 03/20/08 08:51 PM Re: uh oh [Re: dark empathy]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2469
Loc: UK
Thanks Roger and Dark Empathy

you've both given me a lot to consider

i think i'm only just realising, this really isn't going to be easy is it, i think i was still holding onto the hope that it would just go away or that i could just solve it like an equation

it is true that the shame and guilt is still there, against all reason it is still there

forgiving myself, i have the perfect little black book to start that journey in, i will work on that

i don't think people on the outside understands how abuse affects people

going off on a tangent a little

i have an american lecturer in physics, he's the best in his field and very sure about himself and likes to try to be funny, and he expects his audience to be sure of themselves, and so he likes to engage people in this energetic way, and i find myself finding it hard to keep up the charade with him, because with him i think he can see my weakness, i don't know why, and then i cant feel sure of myself and i feel ashamed and unworthy and i have to look away because i cant retain a belief in my ability to be worthy. and now you have given me some insight in to why that is, because i still have that shame and guilt and i still havent acertained strongly enough that it wasn't my fault. i feel like a lowly being at those times, i feel, somehow, dirty i guess. this kind of thing cant be corrected with a phrase such as "i was just a kid", but after a lot of work, then that phrase can summarise and remind yourself of that. i often try to respond in the threads that promote recovery through this kind of understanding, but the fact is, you have been doing this longer than me, and so before i can be at the stage where those words can remind me of what i know to be true, i have to first find what i know to be true, and that will hopefully be part of my journey of forgiving or understanding the boy i was.

thanks

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#211971 - 03/20/08 09:00 PM Re: uh oh [Re: king tut]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2469
Loc: UK
thanks larry,

your response really does enthuse me, you are completely right, i do have to keep talking about this, and i agree it is also a good idea to relate to the people here my own age too, i think i will make more use of the teen forum

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


Top
#212062 - 03/21/08 05:47 AM Re: uh oh [Re: king tut]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Lewis, what you say proves your going further down the road yourself.

i've only begun to look into recovery sinse november, and it took a seriously painful crysis to force me to do that. it's only now that I am realizing that so many of the beliefs about myself and others which I thought were fixed and immutable, things I thought were absolute aspects of the way reality works are not, that they come from what was done to me.

I very much feel that I'm only starting on this path, I've hardly been looking into it for long, and I stil have to wrestle with concepts and ideas and confront things more fiercely than I ever have when considdering people's philosophical positions, and that work takes more effort and energy than I ever would have imagined.

Philosophy being what it is, I also recognize that many of the positions I hold on issues such as fear of death, interpersonal ethics, gender relations and even the mind body problem, are a direct result of my beliefs about myself and others and what I went through in the abuse.

Some of these I stil think are useful positions, others I'm now questioning.

i deffinately hope one day I can not just believe again that I am fine, but actually have these things dealt with, in as much as such things can be.

I'm certain it's possible, but only with a lot of effort, and a lot of support from others, and I certainly think that road would've been easier if I hadn't had years of throwing myself into work and just saying "oh yes I'm fine" to battle against.

I'm really sorry, I've ended up just wranting about myself again, when what I'm really trying to say is I think your amazingly wise for what your doing now, and I only hope I can do the same.

Best of luck on the journey,

Luke.


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#212286 - 03/22/08 01:57 PM Re: uh oh [Re: dark empathy]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
King tut-------------------you amaze me------------------your strenght and insight-----------------------when i was your age -------the only thing i was concernerd with was--------------------getting drunk and smoking pot-------------------i guess it didnt help that my parents were drunks--------and i found the only way i could have a conversation with them was when we were drinking together--------------------until we all got to drunk -then the fights started-----------------your signature is great----------------------you will reach--------beyond--------------------steve


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