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#211774 - 03/19/08 10:13 PM like a blade
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
.



Edited by MarkK (04/16/08 02:16 PM)

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#211777 - 03/19/08 10:19 PM Re: like a blade [Re: MarkK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mark,

That is the story of so many abused boys, and they were all innocent - just as you were. They also had already the strength they would need to deal with all this - just as you do.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#211778 - 03/19/08 10:21 PM Re: like a blade [Re: roadrunner]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
what makes this one so pathetic is the "injury" is recent
very recent

and i still fell for it

m


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#211781 - 03/19/08 10:40 PM Re: like a blade [Re: MarkK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mark,

I'm sorry to hear that, but you are so not alone! Many guys have been hurt in the same way - "falling for it" again. The problem is that those old broken ways of relating stick with us.

Personally speaking, I think we can take responsibility for our safety and future without taking blame for what lies in the past, especially not when that past includes so much fundamental harm done to us at such young ages.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#211782 - 03/19/08 10:44 PM Re: like a blade [Re: roadrunner]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
i have no problem realizing i am responsible for my present safety and my future.

and i have no problem accepting the fact that i am a complete failure at the present - which doesn't leave much hope for the future.

i think it has something to do with the fact that as long as i feel i need other people around i'm going to be betrayed - and until i can figure out this hermit thing - and TOTALLY be independent - i will end up being hurt.

at least there's no shame in posting stuff like that last poem - just another statement of my reality. trust & get burned. trust & get burned.


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#211928 - 03/20/08 06:21 PM Re: like a blade [Re: MarkK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mark,

Let me explain a bit more what I meant. This may not be a perspective of any value, but it helped me a lot at an early point in my recovery. Basically, I was looking back not so much at the abuse, but at things that happened afterwards - broken ways of relating to others and the world that came from abuse but were things that I myself did. You know my story so you know what they are: alcohol, drugs, and for a time, prostitution.

One way I could have looked at all this was a perspective of blame. That is, I could have looked back to the past, I could have listed all the broken and dysfunctional things I did, and I could have said "I am to blame for all that". Looking at my present, that would have left me with a pretty miserable opinion of myself and of what my prospects were for the future.

The other way was a perspective of responsibility. That is, I could look at where I am right now, list all the things I need to fix or address, and say "I am responsible for all this". That is, I could admit that no one can do the hard work or make the tough decisions but me. No one can take the risks but me. Still, looking at my present that would give me an entirely different picture. I would be setting myself a positive agenda: this is me moving forward, here is what I have to do.

Do you see the difference? In the second perspective - the one I opted for - the past is the past. I can't change it or redo anything. I am powerless and helpless if I keep looking back in my effort to see who and what I am. It's only now, in the present that I can become powerful and self-assertive.

Can this help you? Only you can say. But one way to look at all this would be to say, okay, am I really a hermit? If so, how can I change that? You can say "I have a history of getting burned", but do it with the idea of adding to that the question "How can I change that?" You might say to yourself that we all need other people in various ways, and that the question is how to recognize, set, and keep safe boundaries.

I'll stop because this is already too long! But I think it's useful to look at our choices. If I choose the perspective of blame I will always be looking back, focusing on things where I am helpless and powerless, and taking blame for things that were largely not my fault. But if I choose the perspective of responsibility I am giving myself a set of forward-looking, positive and self-affirming challenges - a kind of agenda. I think we need strong support in therapy for this, but this shift in thinking - and that's really all it is - made a world of difference for me.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#211933 - 03/20/08 06:38 PM Re: like a blade [Re: roadrunner]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Larry,

You don't need to apologize for the length of your posts - i always find them heartfelt and meaningful.

and yes, i do see the difference in the perspectives you talked about - i just don't know how you throw that switch - make that "shift in thinking".

i have a good T. it's hard only seeing him for an hour once a week - but atleast i get to see him that often. i'd be lost without him - he is the first and only T i've ever had that truly trusted with 'me'.

Originally Posted By: roadrunner
say, okay, am I really a hermit? If so, how can I change that?
or do i want to...

i know what you're saying .. really .. just hard to focus on it right now.

m


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#211945 - 03/20/08 07:23 PM Re: like a blade [Re: MarkK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mark,

That focus will come. These aren't things we can throw a switch for - like turning on the lights. It's all stuff we have to work on with our T; in a way we just have to keep working at it and "allow" it to happen.

Mike Lew once gave me a great tip on such things. He stressed that the very first moment we do something new, or take an important step, that was the first possible moment we could have done it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#211946 - 03/20/08 07:31 PM Re: like a blade [Re: roadrunner]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: roadrunner
He stressed that the very first moment we do something new, or take an important step, that was the first possible moment we could have done it.


that's one of those phrases that i think has been overdone. and done over. and over done.

kinda like "Just do it"

m


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