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#212034 - 03/21/08 01:03 AM Re: what was it in me? [Re: johnnymike]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1970
johnnymike: Your last paragraph I think is so very important. Unless someone is hurting someone else, who should really care if they are different than others? It just shouldn't matter, and is not reason for abuse or any other sort of mistreatment.

ST: I question the same issue all the time. It should have been so easy for this not to have happened (along with so much other junk). I said no many times, I didn't even agree to the bet he formulated after he couldn't convince me to do it (my heart was in my stomach, scared or least confused and unknowing what to do). I lost the bet (which wasn't even bet as I never agreed to it, but I just figured I could win the game we were playing and it would stop so I kept playing), and I just sort of gave up and let him have what he wanted. I just gave in. Part of me questions if at that point did I want it to happen, but I don't think that is the case; I really just sort of gave up. Why??? I just know after I was violated I started to become a (willing?) participant in this mess. Screws me up to think about it and what it did to me. But I know in my heart I wanted the whole propositions to end and it not to happen. But it did happen and it created a world of trouble for me. Sorry, I'm getting off track here I think. I don't think you are the first person who figured after the fact they could have done a better job preventing it. But you were just a kid right? You are not alone in the beating of one's self up and doing the woulda/coulda/shoulda thinking. Makes me want to cry thinking how much of that I have done over the years. But again, we were all just kids and we didn't have complete knowledge and skills to know what our options were at the time. Its a messed up situation that no one deserves, and it was never your responsibility to figure out how to get out of a situation you should have never found yourself in in the first place.

DE: Thanks again for the post. No one deserves this stuff.


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#212061 - 03/21/08 05:21 AM Re: what was it in me? [Re: ericc]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2014
Loc: durham, north england
thanks people, once again this is stuf I really need to here other people tell me sinse I'm having trouble telling myself, and when I think of myself at age eleven I can only think of "You think your ****ing better than us, but your not"

I recognize a lot of myself in what you say Eric. My self-isteme had taken a major battering just before at boarding school from what could almost be described as imotional abuse from the teachers and very cleaquey other students. I survived by standing up and proclaiming how different I was, refusing to obey any of the schools very pointless rules (such as cleaning your teeth on a set bell), and forcing the teachers to admit that I did good work. My intelligence became a weapon in that battle, sinse I loved the feeling when a teacher who absolutely hated me was forced to give me a good mark because I was right.

the fact that because it was a boarding school, and the syllabus was both slightly individually tailered to the student, and generally of a lot higher standard than at a mainstream junior school, ----- I was learning the rock cycle, bible studdy and basic atomic structure at age 9, helped a lot.

I then went to said other school where all the things I'd previously used as weapons, my individuality, and what inteligence I had just made me a targit for bullying and what I now know to be abuse (though I didn't and couldn't think of it that way at the time), on a dayly and weekly basis.

Now, I often feel that my individuality is all I have. I feel worthless, apart from everyone, and I genuinely find it impossible to believe that anyone could have any sort of feelings for me, but at least I'm stil me, an individual!

I really admire you for being able to laugh tat what was done to you Johnny, but I just feel it's impossible. though (as I said in the joke thread), what was done to me as i think supposed to be a joke from others point of view, from mine it was just pain and humiliation and fear.

I'm really sorry for the wrant again, and I'm really sorry for not paying attention to the other stuff being discussed here and the issue St has raised, which is obviously an important and major one for many people.


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#212108 - 03/21/08 10:54 AM Re: what was it in me? [Re: dark empathy]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2582
I've seen allot of people here posting about being quiet. I had an interesting experience with a "quiet" person recently. He's a very nice and decent guy, in his early 20's. He got engaged about 4 or 5 months ago. I was talking to a member of the family of the girl he's engaged to. Apparently they don't like him much. So I asked why. They see him as uppity and arrogant. Why?? Because he doesn't talk much. How freakin crazy is that??? I know this guy, I've worked with this guy, he's not uppity or arrogant. He's just extremely quiet and shy around people he doesn't know well. Heck he's quiet around people he does know well. So it seems to me that many people simply assume that someone's quietness is arrogance or some such crap as that. I did my best to inform that person the truth. I hope they took it to heart and realize that he's just shy and quiet and not arrogant in the least.

Hope that tidbit of info I gleaned from a talk and connected here can help someone.


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#212899 - 03/25/08 02:50 AM Re: what was it in me? [Re: JustScott]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
A lot of good thoughts for me reading this thread- on the "quiet=bad" issue; it reminded me that there are individuals, families, and even whole communities that can feel threatened by a surplus or lack of "output", as it were.

To me, this makes a strange sort of sense- after all, in movies with more than one bad guy/tough guy, it's usually the baddest/toughest who talks the least, yes?

The chattier one is usually proven to be "weaker", at least for the purposes of the movie; another example would be domesticated vs. wild dogs, etc. It is often said that wolves or feral dogs only bark as puppies, and only housecats continue to "meow" into adulthood.

Sometimes it's as if ordinary society were a great pack of hunting dogs, and all others are by default seen as weaker prey, or a frightening solitary adversary, such as a cougar. No one dog will ever run from a rabbit, yet neither would the dog respect it; No single hound would ever take on a cougar, yet would quickly summon the pack to take the dangerous outsider down....

often i have felt as if i were surrounded by barking dogs, who insist i must either be rabbit, or cougar, since certainly i can be no dog, such as they, quiet and peculiarly scented as i am-
i am left envying neither rabbit, nor cougar, nor dog, for that matter...


When we speak, many cannot bear it, and think us liars, or deluded, in some way. When we remain silent, many think us either soft, or a demonic instrument, and seek our destruction, however unknowingly; and so we are left frozen, between honesty and silence, finding no ground upon which to rest-

Truly those such as we know the bitter taste of, "Damned if you do, damned if you don't".

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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